Career Testing
Career Testing
Career Testing
JOB SEARCH / AUG. 05, 2015
version 6, draft 6

Top 6 Most Overrated Jobs in Porn

Unless you’re a prudish priest that refuses to use electricity and modern forms of communication (Ezekiel still hasn’t returned the carrier pigeon I sent him two weeks ago), then you’ve inevitably been exposed to the porn machine called “the internet”. If you were a horny teenager or a juvenile adult, I’m sure at one point while browsing history’s largest catalogue of sexual deviance (i.e. the internet) you thought: “Getting paid to do sex stuff would be awesome!”

Unfortunately, there are some physical requirements that you need to fulfill to become part of the elite part of the population that gets paid to bone in front of a lens, of which you have none. Having a pudgy body, being endowed like a field mouse and having a prehensile tail doesn’t mean you can’t work in the porn industry. It just means that you can’t work in front of the camera. Here as some of the most overrated jobs in the sticky undercarriage of the porn industry.

See Also: How to Penetrate the Porn Industry

Actor

Ok, so we’ve already established that you aren’t attractive enough to be front-of-the-house talent, that’s fine, but I thought that I’d make you feel a little better about that. Being the talent of an erotic film isn’t as exciting or sexy as you might think. First, let’s do a little exercise (I bet you didn’t think you were going to get cardio reading this article). I want you to put your foot on an elevated surface (desk, table, very confused pet), turn your torso in the same direction as your pelvis and place your hands on your hips (a pose I affectionately call the Creepy Captain Morgan). Now start humping the air like the elevator guy in Gangnam Style (see provided video above). How long can you do it before you start dry-heaving from exhaustion? Five, ten minutes, fifteen? Imagine doing that for hours.

The art of erotic filmography demands close-up shots in the midst of an action most people already have very little control over. So imagine doing the deed while contorted like a Russian gymnast for, I reiterate, hours a day. That’s not all, though. You are exposing some of the most sensitive parts of your body to repeated friction and abuse. Do you know what an epic sesh (that’s “session” for the non-douchey) of sex does to your body and specifically your tender under-parts? Although amazing at the time, a pulled quad muscle and sore ding-a-ling or hoo-ha doesn’t exactly put you in the mood. After that, you’d spend the day recovering, rehydrating and icing down your naughty bits. Adult-actors though just have to push on. I don’t think “push on” is an innuendo, but let’s add a couple of creepy winks for comedic effect. Push on wink, wink.

     

Director

A director in mainstream cinema controls almost all aspects of a movie, from the artistic style, the casting, the visualization of the script and helping the actors understand how they should express the director’s vision. A porn director, on the other hand, does everything in a very different way, including filming. This usually involves being extremely close to your actors sticky parts (which are still sore from the last scene) and being exposed to….ehm…how do I put this…overspray of bodily fluids. There are few jobs outside the medical field that carry that occupational hazard.

Oh, and since we’re are talking about the sticky, soggy, disgusting realities, let’s talk smells. When you physically exert yourself your body produces sweat…sweat is then metabolized by bacteria and produces a smell which most of the time isn’t the best. Add a few other fluids to the mix and you have a hellish cocktail that would make a professional arm-pit smeller (it’s a thing) gag in revulsion. 

Crew (generally)

Erotic visual material is better when consumed sparingly. Why you ask as you furiously masturbate to online porn (and we’ve gone over this before, can you please stop doing that it’s really distracting). Well, because no matter how arousing, sexy or salaciously beautiful, well-endowed people having at it in front of you is, eventually you’ll become desensitized to it.

After all it’s a job and any job no matter how amazing, even professionally testing water slides (it’s a thing) will eventually lose its novelty. So although working on the set of a porn might seem like a professional Shangri-La for the creepier amongst us. Eventually, even the horniest horn dog will look upon the naked sweaty writhing undulating groaning, grunting bodies apathetically while eating a donut and sipping coffee. Another day another money shot.

P.A.

A production assistant is just a polite way to say “set bitch”. A P.A. can be expected to do anything and everything. On a normal T.V. or movie set, the grossest task might be talking the director’s dog for a walk and picking up after Mr. Bubbles Von Fluffington. Some other responsibilities can include getting coffee/food for the production crew or even hunting down some rare boutique chocolate for an over-paid Hollywood diva.

But the role of a P.A. on the set of adult entertainment is…a bit more involved. You could be tasked with cleaning up the “marital” aids or even being the on demand luber…Should I explain that role…we’re already so deep (giggidy) into it I might as well. As I mentioned a few entries ago one of the job hazards for porn stars is genital friction. So, a luber helps by applying lube as needed while the act is still being, well, acted out. The splash back is a real struggle here folks.

Set Maintenance

 porn pizza

Perfect, make sure you mop up all the pizza grease and ehm...well the other stuff too

I gave it that title so you would run away screaming while wildly waving your hands over your head. What the actual position title is temporary stage custodian. Sounds pretty mundane, right? Yeah as a virgin you’d think that, but think for a moment how many sweaty, sticky puddles multiple multi-hour sex sessions would be left behind. Let me help you with the answer…a lot.

Guess whose job it is to clean up all that spilled DNA? Well if you apply for the Temporary Stage Custodian position, it’s going to be little ole virginal you. Definitely not something you would want to put on your resume, especially considering the company that is posting the job is called Kink.com, which I will not hyperlink to. If you want to get your kink on, just type it in your browser’s address bar, I am not an enabler.

Porn Site Content Writer

So you are thoroughly convinced that adult film stages are just nightmarish, graphic Waterloos of fake human sexuality. How about a job where you get paid to watch porn all day and then write concise blurbs about the videos content? Sounds salaciously dreamy right? Well you’d be wrong again my friend. Known in the industry as “Describers”, if you have ever bothered scrolling to the bottom of the page, you will see a small synopsis of the video you are pleasuring yourself too, these guys write those.

A “Describer” will spend 8 hours a day watching naked and semi-naked people doing things to each other and then try to creatively describe what they saw, sounds awesome right? First they have no choice in what videos they watch; it can be anything the porn-a-sphere offers. Also, as an online smut connoisseur I’m sure you are familiar with the lack of diversity when it comes to mainstream porn. I say mainstream because there is a veritable cornucopia of dark sexual perversions that the internet readily provides on a heavily tarnished silver platter for consumption. But I don’t have the gastric fortitude to research and write about it, I apologize forthright to the sick f*cks reading this.

After the initial excitement (giggle) of the job wears off, can you imagine how boring writing about the same dozen things might be? Also, much like porn crew members eventually this can lead to desensitization, and I ask you how fun can adult videos be if you don’t find them exciting anymore. Get up off the floor, I know that’s a terrifying concept for you this is why I’m writing this article so you can avoid jobs like this.

See Also: Completely Unsexy Realities of Being a Phone Sex Operator

Do you know of any other horrible jobs in the porn industry? Let me know in the comment section below.

Get our FREE eBook!
'6 Steps to Landing Your Next Job'

LEAVE A COMMENT

2 comments

View Comments (2)
Career Test
Career Test
Career Test

RELATED ARTICLES

Get our FREE eBook!
'6 Steps to Landing Your Next Job'


G up arrow
</script> </script>