WORKPLACE / APR. 27, 2015
version 7, draft 7

Top 8 Craziest Office Rules Ever Applied

Ah, the workplace! A space where you work. There are certain unspoken rules that apply, like don’t tend to matters of personal hygiene in the break room, and certain rules are a bit more tangible (as in if you break them your ass is grass) such as: you’re required during all working hours to wear pants. Which is reasonable, but some are a little less, “please could you stop wearing short shorts, Tom” and a lot more, “I was eating galvanized steel bolts, while sipping chilled kerosene when I came up with this rule.”

See Also: How to Tell if You Can Become a Boss

1. Not permitting anything cell phone shaped in pockets

phone in pocket
shutterstock

Yes, people would get in trouble for anything cellphone shaped in their pockets including, gum, wallets, packs of cards (what are you doing with those in the first place? Are you some sort of workplace magician?) and even tins of breath mints.

2. Disallowing the word ‘problem’

on the phone
shutterstock

You would get written up if you used ‘problem’ instead of ‘challenge.’ In my opinion the difference is semantics. Literally.   

3. German Burger Kings are where laughter goes to die

burger king
nbcmiami

Laughter is strictly prohibited at Burger Kings in Germany, or at least the one our witness works at. Teeheehee, NEIN!!!

4. The Facial hair facsimile

weird beard
strayhair

One place does not allow any facial hair except a fully grown moustache, the other place only allows beards, but they must be of a ‘respectable’ length. If you wanted to grow facial hair at both places you needed to take vacation and return with regular, appropriate face fuzz.

5. Might as well join the military than work for Disney

donald
Wallpaper

Yep, the happiest place in the world is also the most miserable place to work. Their dress-code and personal appearance regulations are practically militant.

6. Might as well go back to elementary school than work for Amazon

I will be good
investorplace

First, you’re not allowed to drink anything but water that must be stored in a clear bottle for monitoring. You are not allowed to wear lipstick, watches or chew gum. Also, if you talk too much you could be separated from your neighbor. The punishments aren’t that punitive though, all you have to do is sit in the corner until you’re sorry for what you did. No, actually do any of those and you’ll get sh*t-canned faster than you can say Amazon Prime.  

7. The Infamous Amy Baking Company Contract

Although old news, time does little to dilute insanity. So if you’re unfamiliar with this saga, Amy and Sam Bouzaglo were participants in Gordon Ramsay’s show, “Kitchen Nightmares” which visits food service businesses in crisis and tries to help them. When the show aired and displayed the insanity which I could never convey via the written word (see video above), the couple became a viral sensation. After the Facebook rants and the threats against reviewers of their establishment, a contract for employment with Amy’s Baking Company surfaced which had reasonable demand and well….not so reasonable demands. It mandated that the employee would have to work every weekend and holidays, and not doing so would cost them a whopping $250.Oh, also any tips made by the servers is given to management. No bags/ purses/ wallets are not permitted on premises and any bags/ purses/ wallets will be subject to a shakedown…I mean inspection upon the employee leaving the premise. Furthermore, too much talking and fraternization is forbidden between employees, as well as visits of family and friends.  Finally any A.B.C. employee is not allowed to work in any other establishment within a 50 mile radius of the establishment, even a year after employment. Reasonable I’d say.

8. Underwear must be worn at all times

pants zipper
instructables

I left my favorite for last, because it’s not that this is unreasonable, it’s that its enforcement is a little iffy. How would you check that? And if you were looking so intently at someone’s “region” so intently to discern that they are pataloon-less, wouldn’t that constitute sexual harassment?

See Also: How to Keep Your Job During the Apocalypse

Are there any other crazy rules that I might have missed? Let me know in the comment section below.

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