The Holiday Belly mocks you every time you try to squeeze together the top part of your jeans. You get winded going up three flights of stairs or when you abruptly adjust your position on the couch. It’s coming, and you know that you’ll jump on the bandwagon (or probably awkwardly drag yourself onto it wheezing and sweating). The dreaded despicable and repeatedly destroyed New Year’s resolution. According to Forbes.com only 8% of people actually keep their New Year’s resolution. Just to give you an idea of how sadly small that number is, count out 100 M&Ms and take out 8. That’s how many people keep their resolutions. Yes, you can eat the M&Ms, you’ll be on a diet on January 2nd anyhow. Here are 10 New Year’s resolutions you won’t keep anyway.
1. Lose Weight
Impressively and without any surgical enhancements you’ve gone from a B-cup bra size to a C-cup this year. Unfortunately that is the medical miracle it sounds like when you consider you’re a guy. In the past year you never saw a Twinkie, Ho-ho or Baconator that you didn’t love and want inside you. Love though is a self-destructive, soul crushing emotion that hurts as much as it pleasures (yes Justine I still can’t get over the fact that you took Shellie Von Pondscum my pet turtle when we broke up, I loved him even though he gave me Salmonella three times, bitch). However, I digress. So you want to get that mountain of man-goo you call a body combat ready and speedo worthy. Unfortunately, the odds are against you fat-a**
Every month you watch a battle royale between your paycheck and bills. If we were to personify said paycheck and bills (Disney style yaaaaeeeee!), your paycheck would be a meek 90 pound weakling with narcolepsy. Bills, on the other hand, would look like a gorilla, a polar bear and Chuck Norris had a child that does steroids. With a little training though, you think you can bulk up your paycheck and give it a fighting chance. You’ve decided to cut back on superfluous expenses such as your antique hair comb collection and bring balance back to the land of Checkbookardia. Ha! Good luck with that.
3. Fall in Love
7.125 billion Potential mates and you’re still self-loving like its 1994 I think is a pretty strong indication of a lost cause, moving on.
4. Quit (insert bad habit here)
Smokers, drinkers, soft drink drinker and nose pickers have probably been muttering these words for millennia. I can just see it now: primitive man sitting around a fire with his primitive bros wrapped in scraps of animal hides, when suddenly a saber tooth tiger pounces on him and drags him away as he screams in agony. One of the other primal guys says: “That reminds me, I really want to quit red meat this year.” the other members grunt with approval as another friend is gored by a Wooly Mammoth.
5. Enjoying life to its fullest
Really? No seriously now, one of the most popular New Year’s resolutions is essentially Y.O.L.O. Is there such a thing as below zero belief in humanity? Because I think that about as much as I have right now.
Giving feels better than receiving. Volunteering is an honorable, and charitable way to spend your free time. Unfortunately, it’s soooo much more taxing than sitting on your couch covered in bright orange Dorito’s crumbs binge watching Suburgatory.
7. Be Less Stressed
You have a magical way to lower stress?! Get it patented already! we are going to be millionaires! What do you mean it involves meditation, ignoring things you can’t change and watching cat videos online? What a scam! And how happy do you think little Tommy’s going to feel when you ignore him because he’s in art school.
8. Spend more time with family
Not to be combined with previous resolution as it will render the attempt to lower stress ineffective.
9. Learn something new!
Be honest with yourself. The last time you read anything was a bottle of Head and Shoulders while on the john because you forgot your phone. Not common knowledge but learning requires reading I understand how that would confuse you. If you’re dead-set on learning something new let me help you at least. The cow goes Moo.
Again this involves you detaching your behind from the couch which can be a herculean task. Just open Google maps check all the landmarks and act like you been to your destination of choice.
Have you kept any of your New Year’s resolutions? If you have, I am seething with jealousy at the moment. I would still like to know about it though so please leave a comment in the box below.