WORKPLACE / AUG. 25, 2015
version 7, draft 7

What It’s Like to Work With Your BFF

BFFs for anyone over forty is youngsters’ speak for “Best Friends Forever” and is often followed by an ’awe’. To illustrate my definition you might see two whippersnappers playing on their newfangled phones when suddenly they get a “like” (don’t worry your feeble little mind about what that is) to which they will exclaim, “OMG Becky you just ‘liked’ the picture of my hamburger that I’m eating right now as you’re sitting here next to me! BFFs” to which Becky will respond in one of two ways: with a high pitched squeal or an ‘awe’. Now that you’re versed (slightly) in BFF language let’s take a look at what it’s like to have a workplace BFF (awe).

See Also: How to Make New Friends at Work

Inevitability of work BFFs

The Office

Why do people have work BFFs? Well, because humans are inherently social creatures, going back to the days that we would sit in circles and pick bugs out of each other’s fur, or if you’re a creationist, from the days that we were all an inbred little family that was forced to band together like a prison gang for protection. At work you are forced to spend the majority of your waking hours with a specific set of people and inevitably you will find the one like-minded individual that shares in your obsessive passion for Shetland pony equestrianism.

This will make the daily soul-crushing grind a much more tolerable experience, as you will be able to share the latest miniature saddles, high stirrups and Shetland Pony riding innovations with your BFF. Also, you will finally have someone to talk to as most people will avoid an individual that smells faintly of horse excrement and hay.

Lunch

For some reason people love to be around other people when they eat. This baffles me; you don’t seek companionship during other life sustaining actions, do you? Oh…right, there’s a lot of people that go to the bathroom together. Well, aren’t you a little know-it-all. So if you’re not a weird loner like me, you would much prefer to have someone to shoot the breeze with over your pickle, pineapple and peanut-butter sandwich (foods that start with P inherently go together right? That’s my contribution to the culinary arts).

Also, there is a possibility of escaping the confines of your prison like office, to experience a platonic lunch date. Allowing you the freedom of an endless choice in culinary treats that are within a 100 foot radius of your workplace, because that’s how far you can go before you’re shock-collar goes off. Yeah, I know….that work release thing is a pretty big drag.

Gossip

Gossip is defined as people talking sh*t behind other people’s backs. I swear that’s the Merriam-Webster’s official definition. Well, talking sh*t behind other people’s back is pretty boring and makes you look significantly more mentally unstable than you are when you do it by yourself. Your BFF will also be a significant asset for gathering new information, which you can then use to destroy your adversaries! Isn’t that the point of gossiping? Oh, it’s not? Well like I said I’m a weird loner so I wouldn’t know what the purpose of gossip is.

Alibis

Oh, maybe I should’ve said ‘excuses.’ Alibis usually have to do with crimes, but if you do commit a crime, I guess your work BFF could commit perjury for you. But even if you don’t need a time and place you were when your boss was tragically electrocuted by a toaster (that was engraved with your initials) that was flung through his window while he was taking a bath, your BFF can collate your excuse for missing a day at work. Or where you were when your boss tragically and unexpectedly slipped in a puddle of motor oil and fell on an unfortunately placed bed of nails.

Venting

Look, being a boiling, seething ball of resentment can have a negative effect on both your mental and physical health. Sure sitting at lunch plotting various nefarious schemes to get back at the people that vexed you can be a very productive and creative process. But once and a while it’s nice to be able to express your disdain for almost every one of your co-workers to someone. You can even ask them for their feedback regarding your ideas and plans to undo your nemeses. There is bound to be a piece of the puzzle your missing but worry not because your BFF will point out that putting arsenic in someone’s coffee is traceable.

Sharing

I know you’re not comfortable sharing things, but normal humans do it all the time. They share food, personal stories, drinks, clothes, shoes, almost everything. Once you get your office BFF you’ll also be able to share the fact that your previous boss didn’t just disappear but, in fact, has been living in a cage in your sound isolated basement/music studio for the past two years, and that he has become a surprisingly competent electric bass player. If your BFF is real, they won’t turn you into the authorities. Just in case they are not a sociopath like you, you might want to avoid telling them about your equestrian themed sex/tickle room, riding crops used outside of riding usually freaks people out.

Partner

The true test of BFF’s loyalty is when you finally decide to enact your plan to commit a hostile takeover the company. If they are on board to storm the boardroom, announce that a coup d’état is taking place, then you can pretty much assume that your work BFF is going to be your real world BFF until you get arrested. Actually if there’s one place in the world where a friend is very beneficial it’s prison. How will you shank the bitch that cheated you out of cigarettes without someone you can pass off the deadly weapon to?

See Also: How Friends can Help you Succeed or Drag You Down

So hopefully I have convinced you that having an office BFF is great for accomplishing your goals and taking out people that stand between you and taking over the company your work at. I mean sure you could do it the traditional way, by working through the ranks, waiting for your supervisors to take notice of your hard work and reward you for it, but there’s nobody that has time for that. Just make a BFF. Do you know of any other benefits of having a work BFF? Let me know in the comment section below.

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