JOB SEARCH / APR. 17, 2015
version 5, draft 5

White Collar Jobs are for Sell-Outs Man

hippy style

Hey man, like thanks for showing up to our transcendental meditation circle. Feel free to breathe in the good vibes and cleanse your chakras, which look backed up, man. Let me just hover my hands over your body, the waves of interpersonal heat will heal, nature and feed your chi. So what do you do for a living man? Oh, don’t say! You’re a corporate lawyer? Not cool man, not cool. Here are some jobs that’ll make you get away from the Man, man.

See Also: Crazy History Lessons (not taught in school)

Pot smoker Farmer

Medical marijuana is like legal in 18 states and Canada man. Three of those 18 states actually allow recreational use of marijuana too. People like their Kush and they’re going to get it too. Sure it’s hard work, farm work always is man, but you’ll have Mother Gaia (Earth) under your toes and the sun warming your skin. It’s a pretty sweet set up man. Hey, who knows maybe you can get a medical card for your ‘migraines’.

Shirt Maker

First you got to learn how to silkscreen, but it’s really not that hard. Once you get the technique down, you can pump out two a three shirts a day and sell ‘em at the local guitar store or visiting music festival. It’s creative, you’re your own boss and you can write hilarious things like ‘I’m with stupid’ and…and…well, I can’t think of any right now, but you get my point man.


You won’t be working at the Four Seasons man, but you can definitely make a mad chunk of change. I’m being quite literal here, because your way to laid back to harsh your mellow with ‘how hot the soup should be’ or that a customer got ‘a tofu burger and not a double bacon colon destroyer’. So you’ll probably only be tipped in nickels and dimes. Put your smiliest of squinty faces on though and say ‘Namaste’ they don’t know better man.


Look you love food, right? Especially after you’ve taken your ‘migraine’ prescription and they do say: ‘Do what you love’. So why not try your hand at cooking? It’s creative, fulfilling and delicious man. You’ll even get free meals every time you work a shift. Like one shift you could be eating a burger, another you could have a hot-dog, you could probably even pilfer a couple of fries. That just sounds alright, man. I’m hungry all of the sudden; let me go see what I have in the fridge.


So I only had soy sauce and vanilla bean ice cream but this is straight up epicurean! Impressed by the epicurean? Yeah, me too man, I have no idea where that came from. But I diverge, or is it digress? Any-who mimes, right? Everyone loves mimes and they never get punched in the face or get garbage thrown at them ever. Wow, man actually all that does happen, bro I just completely harshed my buzz. Yeah, but miming is still a good career option if you can duck beer cans fast enough.

See Also: Corporate Fashion Advice from a Deranged Street Preacher

Do you know of any other jobs that might be interesting to a hippie? I mean, I really can’t keep dealing pot out of my van, it breaks my parole.

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