CELEBRITIES / NOV. 14, 2015
version 5, draft 5

Why It Would Suck If Johnny Depp Was Your Boss

Johnny Depp is known for being an extremely talented actor. He also happens to be extremely eccentric. What is, however, even more eccentric than the real Johnny Depp is the characters he embodies in his movies – from an artificial man with scissors for hands to a racially insensitive Native American sidekick (whose name literally translates to “stupid” from Spanish) to a possibly pederastic candy maker. As quirky as his roles are, I felt it a would be an injustice to simply write an article called “What It Would Be Like to Work for Johnny Depp”, so I decided I would pay tribute to the characters he’s played throughout his extensive movie career and write about just how shitty it would be to work for one of them. Also, this is under the assumption that Johnny Depp switches into his various iconic roles spontaneously, even in his everyday life – which he totally does (unconfirmed). This is why it would suck if one of Johnny Depp’s characters was your boss.

See Also: Occupational Hazards: Actors

1. Sweeney Todd

 

First off, you would be working in Victorian England which, if Charles Dickens is to be believed, sucked. History concurs, as the rapid urbanization of London during the Industrial Revolution set up the grounds for mass exploitation and impoverishment of the lower classes. Rich people, on the other hand, are pretty much fine any era you look into… well, maybe except the French Revolution.

Anyhow, on top of the poverty that you were subjected to, you would also have to work for a murderous barber and his meat pie-making confidant. Sweeping up hair is gross enough; imagine if it’s mixed with blood and viscera. And, honestly, who wants a severance package that actually involves severing – as in your throat. On the other hand, you’re poor in the Victorian era, and you’d probably die of cholera before Sweeney could even get to you.

2. Mortdecai

This man is a mess, even for a debonair, Old English-style gentleman art dealer and swindler. He has at some point an undefined (also known as Hollywood ethnically generic) Asian mafia after him, as well as an ethnically generic Eastern European gang (a Hollywood staple) and the cops, which he is initially a consultant for. Throughout the entire adventure, his ever-loyal (but assumedly slow) henchman/bodyguard Jock gets punched, kicked, shot, and finally loses a finger while assisting Mordecai get away… Yeah, you might want to steer away from an employer or position that includes “loss of appendages” as an occupational hazard.

3. Frederick Abberline

4. Willy Wonka

5. Jack Sparrow

Off the bat, this guy is a criminal, no matter how you turn it, flip it, and reverse it (thank you, Missy Eliot). A pirate is a criminal that boards a privately owned vessel and commandeers (see: steals) it. Also, we see at a moment’s notice that he will gladly turn over his friend and right-hand man to an octopus-faced Davey Jones as collateral for his debts. Getting fired is one thing, but being relegated to a damned ghost ship, inhabited exclusively by sea-like creatures, is a completely different (sea) monster.

Oh, and even if you are a second tier character aboard one of many of Sparrow’s vessels, where he can’t use you as a trade out of one of his agreements with demonic dead pirates, keep in mind that said dead pirate has a vendetta with your boss who sends a giant squid-like sea monster after him to take him out… Not exactly a person you want to be around in the open sea.

6. Edward Scissorhands

Sure, it seems like fun to have a boss that can’t yell at you for goofing off, messing up or being late, but on the other hand (see what I did there? Hand? Edward Scissor…hands?), he has the ability to stab you multiple times with the ease of a five-year-old picking his nose. Also, judging from the scars all over poor Eddy’s face, I’m going to assume that he is clumsy as hell, and there is nothing worse than a clumsy person with razor-sharp implements attached to his appendages. On the other hand (see, I did it again), while in Edward’s employ, you will never struggle to open another box, envelope or blister pack again!

An untouched subject in the movie was how Edward went to the bathroom… I mean he eats (well, attempts to, at least), and when any machine has input, it must have outpoop – I mean, output. If he can’t do it, guess who might? Yup, the person getting paid to assist Mr. Scissorhands… Just don’t startle him if you want to avoid an involuntary appendectomy.

See Also: Jobs Perfect for Bond Villains

Have you worked with Johnny Depp or any of his imaginary on-screen characters? Share your experiences with us in the comments section below.

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