We enjoy spending endless hours in a constructed virtual world. Sometimes the mind wanders as you (well, your avatar) transverse your favorite post-apocalyptic landscape, and you begin to wonder how awesome it would be to leave the overpopulated, noisy and critical real world behind and work in your favorite virtual one? Well, let’s take a look into this completely absurd prospect and see why it would suck (or not) to work in your favorite video game.
Look, we all come from different backgrounds, have different belief systems and allegiances; let’s not make this about genre or console vs. PC. Let’s just have a little bit of fun, then point and laugh at the insane person that wrote this… the list of games that our hypothesis will take place in, is referenced from the most profitable video games in the world.
1. Super Smash Bros.
Super Smash Bros. is basically every playground conversation dedicated to the interactive digital arts. If your 9-year-old self ever got into a screaming match with another child about Donkey Kong’s ability to beat Bowser, you can know test your hypothesis with Super Smash Bros. The game pits most of Nintendo’s established characters against each other, with a few cameos for good measure and vast nerd appeal such as Pac-Man, Sonic the Hedgehog, R.O.B. (a short-lived and failed robot accessory for the NES system), and Solid Snake from the Metal Gear series. The objective isn’t to kill your opponent, but to knock him off a platform. The entire video game takes place on floating platforms… how easy do you think getting to work on a platform is? And don’t even get me started on the cost of owning and maintaining a helicopter, personal aircraft, or a flying car.
2. The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt
The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt is a critically acclaimed open world roleplaying game… No, not the chain and whips or you don’t have money to pay the pizza man so you have to pay him some other way kind of roleplaying. Similar to other games in the genre, The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt takes place in a fictional medieval world with swords, armor, magic, and dragons. The only way to travel in the game is by horse… now imagine working in a place where not only do you have to deal with rush hour but also horse shit, and that is just plain horse shit. On top of everything else, if you are the weakling you are in the real world, you would be destitute because to purchase things, you need be able to kill vicious adversaries and monsters. The only thing you would be able to do in the face of great evil is urinate in your loincloth, and I’m pretty sure that’s not monetarily rewarded in the game.
3. NBA 2K15
This is a basketball game. You do not have one athletic bone in your body… What would you do, sell hotdogs?
4. Dying Light
This game combines the oft-used zombie trope with parkour, because: “Look guys! I’m totally not beating the undead horse of zombie games / TV shows / movies if it has parkour in it!”
Now think about trying to get to work while dealing with seas of the undead in the derelict historic Turkish town of Harran by way of climbing, jumping and running. You got winded just by the description; how the heck would you manage to do it in real life?
5. Batman: Arkham Knight
The last (allegedly) entry in Rocksteady Studios’ wildly popular Batman: Arkham series puts you right in the middle of the battle for the annihilation of the titular character at the hands of Scarecrow and a team of other super-villains. Just look at the visuals: Gotham (which is the game’s location) is a beautifully dark gothic city, the roads constantly gleam and sparkle from being wet, and Batman is usually on the prowl for criminals. Although beautiful, imagine waking up in the moist, rainy metropolis every day, not to mention all the insane criminals with complicated, convoluted plans which promise the destruction of every single citizen of Gotham City on a weekly basis. Trying to enter data while expecting impending doom doesn’t exactly make time fly now, does it?
Minecraft is a game where you “mine” things so you can “craft” things… a rose by any other name, right? It’s pretty much the only thing to do in the game, except defending you “crafted” structure from various enemies. Hard labor and enemies… I think you’re much more of an artist and gentleman/gentlewoman than a construction worker / monster slayer / house defender.
7. Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare
In Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare (gamers love acronyms… I’m wishy-washy on the topic), you strap on a futuristic exoskeleton that allows you to jump super high and run superfast because “Look guys! I’m totally not beating the dead by a headshot horse of first-person war games if it has exoskeletons in it!” You are thrown into the thick of the firefight and you must complete your mission. I think it’s self-evident why you wouldn’t want to work here. Right dude, close your mouth… Are you drooling? Are you asleep?! Well, I’ll tell you, anyway, because who would want to work in a warzone? And not just any old warzone, but one where exoskeleton-clad soldiers jump around on your roof and shoot each other right outside your front door.
8. Battlefield Hardline
Basically, the same game as above minus exoskeletons, and replacing the soldiers with cops and criminals. Because “Look guys! I’m totally not beating the dead by a headshot (during a heist) horse of first-person war games if it has cops and criminals in it!” Same reasons as above, but with cops and criminals.
9. Grand Theft Auto V
If you have ever played any iteration of the famous open world game, you know that the first few minutes involve completing missions, progressing the storyline, only to be followed by endless hours of using the game as a sociopath simulator. The minute you have the first teeth-grinding, profanity-laden, frustrating fetch or escort mission, you will give up and your attention will turn to how many creative ways you can find to create destruction and havoc with weapons, cars, boats, and planes. Would you really like to live and work in a world where people wonder what would happen when they shot a stack of ten cars with a rocket launcher?
10. Mortal Kombat X
Mortal Kombat is a long-running fighting game series known for its gore, blood and fantastical “fatalities”, which for the indoctrinated are finishing moves which humiliate your opponent via an exaggerated spine-extracting murder (check out this video of all of Mortal Kombat’s fatalities if you’re still unsure what that meant). The only professions I can see being offered in the Moral Kombat universe is combatants, medical professionals and skimpy-costumed fighting tailors; if you have a skill set that pertains to any of those, feel free to apply here. Just make sure to mention that you want to work in the actual game and not the game studio.
Are there any other game locations that you can think of that would suck to work in? Let me know in the comments section below!