WEB & TECH / JUN. 12, 2015
version 8, draft 8

Why You Should Buy an Obscenely Over-Priced Phone

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We live in a consumerist society (I know I’m stating the obvious just bear with me). We frivolously purchase things that aren’t even remotely instrumental for basic survival, but man does it feel good. You buy that brand new shiny package, get it home, wrestle with it for 45 to 50 minutes to try to tear into that virtually puncture proof vacuum wrap, and then you slightly shake the top portion of the box so the bottom softly falls out revealing your new device. The smell of brand new electronics is only slightly less satisfying than the pristine gloss of a new smartphone. Why a smartphone and not a cellphone? Because it’s the 21st century grandpa. The thing is that the moment that your new phone gets slightly blemished, scratched or dropped down the toilet, you’ll start getting a little tingle in the base of your gut. Buyer’s remorse. Was it worth half a month’s salary? Although it’s better for the environment, is having my electricity cut-off because I didn’t have the money as important as that new smartphone? Let’s just take a look and see.

See Also: 8 Mind-blowing Facts Nobody Told You About Gold

Luxury Phones

Why has the value of Jewellery never been hampered? Because of timelessness. Often jewellery will increase in price over time as the values of the materials used increase. But who needs high resell value if they’re effing stinking rich? Maybe that’s the mentality behind luxury phones, because I really couldn’t justify it any other way. When you buy a diamond encrusted, platinum enveloped smartphone, a short few years later it will be close to obsolete. That is if the device was up to date when it was released; case in point, the £6,700 Tag Heuer phone which was already running an outdated version of Android at its release. If you’re the type of person that showers in Dom Perignon and uses dollar notes as hygienic wipes, then this might be the perfect phone for you; you excessively, disgustingly affluent bastard. 

Satellite Phone

If you feel that you would like to look a little more like a drug kingpin, terrorist or a military dictator, then why are you still using that stupid cellphone? Do you want to be like the lowly peons that struggle daily with weak signals, dead signal zones and the dependence of a fragile and government regulated network of cellular antennas? Of course you don’t, that’s why the best solution for you would be a Sat Phone or Satellite Phone? These devices are not dependent on the availability of a cellular network, but instead work off of telecommunication satellites. This means that the phone basically has global coverage, you call at sea, in the mountains and even the North and South Poles with some service providers. An added benefit is that they are relatively hard to trace and intercept communication from them, but can send your location if you are in an emergency situation. Granted the luxury of being traceable only when you choose to will put you back at least $1700, but you really can’t put a price on piece of mind.

Flagships

So you’re not a multimillionaire playboy with questionable business acquaintances and a mountain of gold burning a hole in your vault, so how can you spend money well outside you means? Simple; you go for the flagship category of phone. These little gadgets are packed full of the latest specs, hardware and the highest screen resolution and are so expensive that they cost about as much as a month’s rent. But that’s not a problem right? You’ll just put it on a credit card and pay for it a couple times over by the time you pay it off. No worries though, that will give you just enough time to throw your money in the next over-hyped hole. Phones like the Samsung Edge for a reasonable price of $1500, the “innovative” device with the wrap around screen (that is bound to get in the way when you’re holding it) or if you prefer to feed your children at least once this month, you can go for the cheaper iPhone 6 Plus for a responsible $849.99! There are a few other options too, like the HTC One M9 for around $700 or the Lumia 930 for a measly $400, but that’ll make you look poor so screw the Lumias value for money point.

Bang & Olufsen Serene

If you enjoy being banged by your credit card bill, then the Bang & Olufsen Serene phone will be perfect for you. At a chilling price of $1.275 this phone is jam packed with useless and unpractical features such as a circular number keypad, a side facing camera without a viewfinder (you still have to look through the forward facing screen) and is a clamshell design that opens with the assistance of a motor…because why make something that constantly has mechanical failures simpler when you can add more sh*t to guarantee it breaks? The kicker is that you need a tool box to open the stupid thing because its back cover is secured with proprietary screws. Nice. If you happen to lose the provided screw driver then make sure that your SIM card or battery never go dead. Well at least it opens with the slight touch of the cover, which is nice, but not nicer than being able to readily access your phones battery!!!

Vertu Signature Cobra

As if there needed to be an accoutrement to prove any further that money can’t buy taste or class, the Vertu Signature Cobra exists to do so with gusto. This phone wouldn’t look out of place in the evidence confiscated at a cartel drug bust. I mean look at it, if that’s not the most excessively grotesque thing you’ve ever seen in your life, I really don’t know what is. I mean it’s a black leather and gold phone with a freakin’ gold snake wrapped around the bottom. Oh, just in case the point that money can’t buy taste or class is still not painfully obvious to anyone that sees this phone, it’s also diamond encrusted. At its release it retailed for $310.000. What a bargain. But it should be the perfect complement to your drug operations and sat phone.

See Also: How to Use Sex As A Power Play

Do you have any other phones that should be added to this list? Let me know in the comment section below. 

 

 

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