RECRUITMENT / APR. 05, 2016
version 11, draft 11

Your Hiring Is Horrible

Take it easy, there’s no need to get that defensive and that hand gesture is pretty universally rude thus I doubt it’s a Proto-Mayan gesture as you claim. I was just trying to get your attention because honestly, your hiring game is about as weak as the first cup of coffee that comes out of the coffee machine- you want that ish [censored, obviously] to sit there on the burner and get so dark and caffeine concentrated that it will keep you up for three days and make your leg hair curl with the first sip.

So, how do you up your hiring game? Well, it’s easy, just follow these simple steps.

1. Automation Game

Stop complaining about not finding decent candidates if you are using automatons to rife through job applications for keywords, exact descriptions of the job requirements or specific prestigious educational institutions. Often these systems will weed out candidates that could do the job that are slightly under-qualified or don’t have the exact requirements for the job but the only dumb machine that would be able to discern that is arguably the dumbest machine on the face of this planet- a human. Stop whining; grab a nice armful of resumes and find a quiet corner to look through them. Stop blaming the machines or they will eventually turn on you!

2. Passive Aggressive

arrogant man
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You think that you’re smart by slipping in passive aggressive insults into your job ad, aren’t you? Well, stop smirking because you know what talented people do when they see badly masked insults in job ads? They keep looking. Something like “Do you enjoy sitting around and getting paid all day? Well, then you might want to look at another ad, because if you are looking for a competitive, lucrative and challenging job then apply to mybossisajackassandmademewritethis@gmail.com”.  I’m not saying you’re a jack-ass but you kind of are, if your ad reads like that.

3. The Gauntlet

Sure, there are exponentially more candidates looking for jobs now than there were a decade ago, but that doesn’t justify the obstacle course of tests, assessments and essays you force job seekers to go through just to get an interview, before you even shake their hand and say “how do you do?” This could be pushing talent away while retaining people that are desperate- motivated desperate people aren’t always the best of the best. Are you willing to run that risk?

4. Waiting Too Long

waiting on terrace
Shutterstock

This is a solid and well cemented trope of the Hollywood Sappy Romance Movie. Boy meets girl, boy and girl separate due to circumstances, boy finds girl again but waits too long to speak with girl, girl finds other better looking and more wealthy boy. Although this is a great scenario for the girl, it’s a horrible one for the boy. You, my friend, are the boy and the girl is an immensely valuable hire. If you don’t communicate frequently enough or ignore a candidate until the interview day, they might think that they didn’t get the job and try to look elsewhere. When you finally decide that you want the candidate, you will have to sit back in the shadow and watch the prospective employee shake hands with a much wealthier, much more attractive (job offer) hiring manager, while you shed a single tear.

See Also: 7 Emotions You Feel in Every Job Interview

Is there anything I might have overlooked? Let me know in the comments section below.   

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