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10 Best Excuses for Not Showing up to Work

Not all of us are Tim Locketts, a man that retired from a Unilever factory after a 30 year service without missing a single day. We get sick, have personal emergencies, families, car troubles and troubles with our homes. If you’re like me you might even have cactus farm troubles. Sometimes the excuse is significant, other times its completely unsubstantiated and ridiculous. Because life is stranger than fiction, I’m going to list off the ridiculous but true excuses.

1. Beware of the angry ex

You should definitely fear the wrath of the ex. Sometimes it’s moderate like hacking your facebook page to post a picture of you in your Naughty Super Mario outfit. They could also damage personal belongings or even hurt you. If your ex is angry and cunning she could even steal all your pants which would mean that you either go to work pant-less or you don’t go at all. I vote on pant-less, it shows dedication to work and it is very comfortable. A corporate employee chose the latter option, of course his manager was extremely understanding and extremely amused.

2. Mind over matter but not technology

We all have moments in our life that we aren’t proud of. A misdemeanor for vandalism, a night in the drunk-tank, some even have a D.U.I. arrest. A dedicated employee (with a past) called his boss saying that the sobriety device, which is basically a breathalyzer that doesn’t allow the car to start if the user has even one drink, prevented his car from starting. Maybe he wasn’t that dedicated if he was drinking before work. Nothing like a stiff drink and corn-flakes for breakfast

3. Six feet under

No, the employee didn’t die and obviously it isn’t an excuse if you actually can’t call in (would you haunt the boss as an alternative? “I’m noooot coooooming in toooodaaaay”). The employee in question was attending a funeral, lost her footing and ended up in a newly dug grave. An excuse so honest which I’m sure her boss could dig it.

4. Amorous malady

When things get frisky we sometimes tend to ignore the repercussions. A man called his boss to let him know that he wouldn’t be showing up to work after his girlfriend handcuffed him to the bed and lost the key. You could say he was a little tied up! Get it tied up? I’m sorry that joke was horrible in the 60s when it came out, and it still is today, move along there’s nothing else to see here.

5. Amorous malady the revenge

If you’re looking for the epitome of awkward conversations to have with your boss I present you Mr. Lover X. Mr. Lover X called his supervisor and told him his wife just caught him cheating so he’ll have to take a personal day to sort some things out. At least he’s loyal to his professional obligations.

6. Liquid Woes

A man driving to work spilled coffee on himself, returned home to change shirts, and got a flat tire in his driveway. Apparently this man has never heard of travel mugs or emergency shirts. If you don’t have an emergency shirt in your car you are exposing yourself to a world full of embarrassing stains, play it safe is all I’m saying. I’m making it my life mission to promote the value of emergency shirts.

7. Iron Man

O.K. sometimes an excuse could be a red-flag that your employee or co-worker might be a danger to himself and others, well because their dumb. A man noticed his button up shirt was wrinkled so decided to iron it. The thing is that he forgot to actually take it off and ended up in the hospital. Aren’t you glad smart reader that it wasn’t his pants that were wrinkled? In the crotchal region?

8. I’ve Bean hurt

Bake beans are a perfect side dish. They’re delicious saucy and pretty darn heavy before you take them out of the tin so heavy in fact that they could break your toe if it fell on it. Its probably also very embarassing when you have to call your boss and tell him that you won’t make it in today because a can of bake beans fell on your foot.  

9. Busted World Cup edition

An employee called his boss saying that he was sick and this story must’ve either taken place during the 80s or to an employee that doesn’t know the fundamentals of touchscreen mechanics because he then put the phone down to reveal the laughter and cheering of him and his friends watching the World Cup. Goooooaaaaaal! Is probably not what his boss said when he returned to work, it was probably more like “You are fired due to dishonesty and unwarranted absence from work” Yeah I think I like “Goooooaaaal!” better too.

10. Busted CSI edition

A woman notorious for calling in sick informed her boss that she was at the hospital because her father-in-law had fallen down the stairs. The next day she called in yet again saying she was involved in an attempted murder investigation. Coincidence?  I think Sherlock Holmes would have a field day with this one.

Out of excuses? You can find a lot more online from the most ridiculous to the most honest. As with great excuses comes great responsibility; if you use up all your sick days, you might be truly sick and not be able to take the day off, you have been warned of the danger of excuses. Do you have any great excuses? Let us know in the comment section below!

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