Look, I’m not going to sit here and give you a course on courtesy. I think it would be more fun if I actually do the opposite. So strap yourself in because these are 10 habits of extremely rude people.
Scratching in Public, down there
There are a few requisites to civilized society, one of which is: when in public everyone is asexual. Forget you have junk and what you do with it. You have an itch though that only a hand can scratch, what do you do? Go ahead and scratch, who cares if Judith the receptionist is giving you dirty looks, she can scratch any time she wants with that high counter in front of her. Get in there and scratch that itch.
Talking loudly on the phone
A calm, soothing office environment is highly conducive to productivity. But who f*ckin’ cares? Your buddy just called you telling you that the bet you placed on the game is all but lost and he’s giving you guff for it too. WHAT THE HELL MAN? You aren’t some soft spoken pansy, but an evolutionary step above Neanderthal, and just like your ancestors you have a very limited vocabulary, most of which are guttural sounds and grunts. How else are you going to get your point across but by doing so loudly?
Why would you think of anyone else?
See polite soft-spoken people usually are just aware of other people as they are of themselves. They will stand holding the door open for the next person, brew a fresh pot of coffee when it’s out and clean up for themselves. And that’s why they’re complete shmucks.
After you go to the gym, you have to take off your work-out clothes, shower and then change into your street clothes. It’s so much hassle. Just use excessive amounts of body spray (which according to the commercials everyone loves) and go on your merry little way. If anyone confronts you about the aroma that is emanating from you (that smells like a sleazy night club and animal urine), just inform them that this is the smell of a man. A very unapologetic man.
Make a fuss and ruckus
Remember that malarkey about a calm soothing office environment? Well, your pissed and you want to show it, so go ahead and bang on your desk, loudly shuffle papers around and cuss (remember loudly) like the love child of a truck driver and a sailor.
Get really, really close
One thing that’s over rated is personal space. Everyone goes on and on about how important it is to give way when people walk towards you and keeping a respectful and non-threatening distance when talking. Shut up, what are you a submissive Omega? No! Get in there and impose yourself on the person you’re talking with. Remember if they can’t smell what you had for breakfast (which was garlic eggs, with chive and sour crème crepes and huge mug of black coffee), then you’re not close enough. Also, if someone is walking towards you and they don’t give way, shoulder check them, the harder the better. When standing in line make sure you push up on the person in front you as much as you can, it’s bound to make the line go faster.
Why hold that noxious mess in? Let your posterior roar like a lion. Your flatulent fortitude might even gain you some admirers.
See Also: How to Be a Corporate Zombie
Are there any other social mores that you couldn’t give a flying flip about? Let me know in the comment section below.