10 Things You Probably Shouldn't Get Caught Doing at Work

We all know what work is but as an internet writer protocol mandates that I define it in the first sentence/paragraph of my article. Work is a place we go to where we spend eight hours doing something we hate to make just enough money to barely scrape by. It is also a space were almost all elements of our personality that make us interesting (i.e.: excessive drinking) are restricted and refined into a boring beige facsimile of our real selves… It’s called being “professional”. There are a lot of things that are disallowed under the premise of being “professional”, so here are a few things that you should definitely avoid doing at work.

See Also: Companies That Are a Cool Place to Work

1. Boinking


If you’re unfamiliar with “boinking”, it’s a colloquial term that means fornicating, having coitus, bumping uglies, or f*cking. Although it happens in many workplaces all around the world, at various times during the day and night, and probably happening right now in your office, it’s definitely frowned upon. Why? Well, it’s simple: everything becomes more complicated when you introduce feelings, and once you exchange bodily fluids with someone (that’s a polite if not gross way to say “doing it”), feelings will inevitably follow. Maybe I should give you some examples to demonstrate: asking a coworker to help you with a project, no sex = fine; with sex = awkward crotch staring. You know what? Since I’m not entirely sure how human intimacy and interaction work, maybe we should just move on.

2. Glug Glugging


Hitting grandpa’s cough syrup, doing a dab of moonshine, having a stiff one is not only allowed but encouraged (see: happy hour) after work. At work though, alcohol consumption is a completely different monster. If due to crippling addiction you must imbibe, you must do so in a very incognito, under-the-radar type of way. There are various gadgets that can help you drink at the office (like those brought to you by Baxbo), but you need to keep in mind that: a) people can smell it on your breath, and b) once you’re drunk, you need to make sure you don’t, well, act drunk.

I understand that the crushing monotony of data entry can madden even the most even-tempered human in the world, but do you really want to risk stripping down naked in the middle of the workday and screaming: “I am Rum Royalty! All bow down to the King and his little prince!” Also why the hell are you calling your unit the “little prince”? That’s just weird.

3. Keeping Livestock as Pets


According to a Virginia Commonwealth University study, having an office pet benefits job satisfaction and lowers stress levels. The thing is if you work in a 6x6ft cubicle (2x2m for, well, everyone else), you are not going to have space for your pet llama, goat, horse, cow, or Shetland pony. Another consideration when working in a pet-friendly environment is “aroma”. Chickens, pigs and smaller barnyard animals might fit the size requirements but definitely won’t fit the “aroma” requisite. It might also be a good idea to avoid pets that freak people out like tarantulas, snakes, scorpions, centipedes, and poisonous frogs. I don’t care how cute you think your pet walking stick insect is, it will probably give most people the heebie-jeebies.

4. In the Nude


This is a general social rule. Nudity is not appropriate in public unless you are in a strip club, a nudist colony, or you’re a member of an Amazonian tribe. This is also another warning against alcohol, because alcohol lowers inhibitions and lower inhibitions result in lowered trousers. If you are an exhibitionist or a nudist, keep it in your pants until you get to one of the nudity-approved locations I just mentioned. Maybe I should mention that you have to be an employee (not a patron) to be nude in a strip club. Just in case.

5. Smoking (Inside)

This covers anything that can be lit and smoldered, including tobacco products, marijuana and, yes, even electronic cigarettes. Granted, electronic cigarettes don’t smolder but only douchebags use them and nobody wants to work with a douchebag, right? Well, anyway, this smoldering rule of thumb can apply to many other things, including incense (both religious and of the hippie kind), smudging sticks (which are bunches of sage that are burned during Native American religious ceremonies, and also by new age hippies), and your ex’s hair during a voodoo hex ritual. You want to burn things? Burn them on your own time.

6. Taking Radioactive Materials to Work

This will most probably get you in trouble with the federal government, too. They generally frown upon taking deadly materials into places were a lot of people congregate. Wait, why do you even have radioactive material?

7. Sleeping

Unless you live in Japan, sleeping on the job is generally frowned upon. It even has a name: inemuri, which literally translates to “sleeping while present”. But, sadly, this isn’t an article about how unbelievably awesome working in Japan is but… wait, I think I forgot what this article was about… maybe I need a nap.

8. Intolerant Trolling

I’d like to think that we are in a time in history where we can tolerate if not embrace people that are different from us… and I would be tragically mistaken. The world is a terrible intolerant place, chockfull of bigots, racists and sexists. Don’t be like that, and if you are, don’t express yourself… No one wants to hear it. If you start feeling the hate boiling up, spread your legs far apart, and head-butt a doorjamb – trust me, it works beautifully.

9. Sharing Bodily Fluids

I really shouldn’t even be mentioning this, firstly, due to its grossness, and secondly, due to the fact that you’re hopefully not five years old. On the other hand, you might be doing it without even realizing. I’m sure plenty of you out there have experienced a “sprayer” which is someone that you could easy tell to “say it, not spray it”. There are a few more extreme examples that you should avoid, but for dignity’s sake, I’m going to completely ignore.

10. Being Violent

Any type of violence is unacceptable, be it fruit-related harassment or legume-throwing. I know both of those are food-related but I’m starting to get hungry. The bottom line is if it’s hurting someone physically, mentally or emotionally, it’s wrong and you shouldn’t do it at work… or anywhere else, for that matter. If you feel the need to hurt someone, follow the same rules as the intolerant person: find a sturdy doorjamb and head-butt it until you see little flecks of light – that should clear you up of your violent impulses.

See Also: First Job Antics (Part 9): One Thing You Should Never Do at Work

Are there any other behaviors you should definitely avoid when you’re at work? Let me know in the comments section below.