Please allow us to ask you a question: are you just eating Wonder bread all the time? Also, do you spend at least a quarter of your day watching pornography? What about your daily attire? Are you still in your pajamas by the time the latest episode of "Dr. Phil" rolls around? If you answered yes to at least one of these questions then it’s perhaps time you start a job.
While many protest to the idea of getting a job, arguing that it takes away from our leisure time, the fact is that most of us wouldn’t have any idea what to do with all of that free time. Some of us would just watch episodes of "Seinfeld" or "The Simpsons" all day. Others may just play the trombone for 12 hours. A job is necessary not only to provide stability in our lives, but also to give us some meaning, even if it’s just eight hours a day.
Indeed, a job is meant to put groceries on the table. But it can be so much more than that. You just have to believe. Are you reluctant to get a job because you’re afraid you won’t be able to get your 11 a.m., 2 p.m. and 7 p.m. catnaps? Are you also terrified of the prospect of not being able to watch your daily soap operas? Pish posh. It’s time to get a job.
Here are 11 signs you really need to get a job:
1. Have You Taken a Look at Your Fridge?
Take a moment, get up from your chair, head to your kitchen (we understand that may be difficult at this juncture in your life) and open up your refrigerator.
What did you see in that fridge? Oh, just soda, margarine and white bread? If it’s because that’s the only thing you can afford then now would be a perfect opportunity to apply for a job. A job can help you earn more money to buy more nutritious food. Depending on bread and butter won’t stave off the inevitable decay of your body.
2. TV Guide is Your Only Reading Material
Sure, a TV Guide is a thing of the past. Are there any millennials that read these things anyway? But the TV Guide channel is still around and is still used by people of all ages. If the TV Guide channel (or the magazine) is your only kind of reading material then you really need to get a job. When you have a job, you get a chance to read newspapers, business reports, magazines and perhaps it could even encourage you to pick up a book! Stimulate your little gray cells.
3. Your Bank Account is Looking Pathetic
Your bank account is running on empty. It looks pretty bad at this point. You’re a few dollars short of an overdraft, and, in the words of a Duke Ellington tune, that ain’t good. It’s been a year since you’ve worked so you obviously haven’t had a regular paycheck. The biggest payday you had was when you received a $200 tax rebate, which you used to buy pizza and two video games.
4. Track Pants? You've Given up on Life
By wearing track pants in public, you’re telling the world: "I give up! I can no longer handle being alive. You can judge me if you like, but I just don’t care." Track pants are good for the gym, but elsewhere it’s rather unflattering. If you’re heading to the grocery store, movie theater or a fast-food joint, leave the track pants at home.
5. There is Zero Conceivable Reason For You to Wake up
Let’s face it: if you don’t have a job right now then we can surmise that there is no conceivable reason for you to wake up in the morning. You have nothing to live for at this very moment. No, checking the latest sports scores isn’t so meaningful. Sorry. A job at least provides you with some dignity and meaning to get up at 8 a.m.
6. Laziness Thy Name is You
Lazy...so lazy...If standing up has essentially become an extreme sport for you then obviously something is wrong with you. You like lying in your own filth, you procrastinate just to pick up the television remote and the junk mail in your mailbox continues to piles on and on. You’ve become the incarnation of a sloth. May God have mercy on your soul! Get up and move around.
7. Your Pets Work More Than You do
Yikes! Your cats are actually doing more than you are doing right now. They’re cleaning themselves, running around chasing each other and playing with a ball. What are you doing? Nothing, except sitting on your behind. Even your hamster is accomplishing a lot more than you: running on a wheel.
8. Skills? What Skills?
A few years ago, you went to college to obtain skills in the field of computer engineering or culinary arts. Fast forward to the present and the skills you had are gradually vanishing. Your idleness has conquered your mind. You pretty much can’t do anything anymore. Is it true that using the can opener has now become a difficult task for you?
9. The Only Physical Interaction is With Your Landlord
When you work, you interact with people every single day, at least once. When you’re not working and you have very little funds then your odds of communicating with someone face-to-face greatly diminishes. In fact, the only kind of physical interaction you have is with your landlord, who is demanding his rent, which is already late by three months!
10. You Troll the Internet Way Too Much
You’re bored. We get it. But why do you feel compelled to be the biggest troll on the Internet? You won’t achieve anything by demeaning others, relishing in the fact that someone’s relationship ended or encouraging others to kill themselves because they vote Republican. Stop trolling Twitter, YouTube and newspaper comments sections. Instead, spend this time by being more productive. You know, searching for a job, going for a walk and maybe getting a haircut.
11. Your Parents Lie About What You do For a Living
You know it’s been a long time since you’ve held a position at a company, that your parents are embarrassed about you and have started to lie about what you do for a living. During dinner parties or a night out with their friends, they say that you’re starting your own business, you’re writing a book or you’re considering going back to school. They won’t concede that you’re just sitting on the sofa picking the fluff out of your belly button or picking your blackheads on your chest.
There is no doubt about it: you really need to get a job. At this point in time, it doesn’t matter what job you get. Just work. Do something. Become a productive member of society. Let’s put it this way: when you lie on your deathbed, do you want to look back at yourself lying on the sofa watching television and picking your nose? Or do you want to see yourself being productive?
What did you do with your free time when you didn’t have a job? Let us know in the comments section...