5 Financial Crimes That We Commit Everyday

Although money can affect you psychologically, it isn’t the root of all evil. No, fluffy little bunnies are with their beady little eyes, razor sharp incisors and soft fur. Yep, it is all just a ploy to get you close enough to inflict maximum damage. For heaven’s sake they’re rodents! Even though I have not consulted a mental health professional I’m convinced that I do not suffer from rabbit phobia or Kouneliophobia, I just have a healthy obsession with the evils of these deceptively innocuously cute mammals.

Money on the other hand is just paper that we use on a daily basis (because we have no choice). Other than its potential to give you stinging burning paper cuts it’s basically just a legal government document. And honestly how evil can a piece of paper be? Due to its daily use, sometimes that usage becomes abusage? (There isn’t a red squiggly line under abusage, so it really is a word, I’m just as shocked as you). The problem is, abusing money (beyond spending your laundry money on beef jerky from the vending machine) can be highly illegal, and I hate to break it to you, but we all engage in frequent criminal activity involving currency. Here are 5 Financial Crimes That We Commit Everyday (don’t worry I won’t snitch, there’s a certain unwritten social contract amongst scoundrels).

See Also: 4 Most Lucrative Black Market Trades

Defacing Currency

No matter how much you like to consider yourself a self-appointed virtuoso of the visual arts, you cannot draw on currency. Even making miniscule notes (which many businesses do when making deposits and finishing the day) in the corner of a bill can land you in some preverbal hot water. Like I said this is government property, you think the government would be OK with you defacing a national monument or a government building? No, it doesn’t matter how mischievous the security guard is, the government would still be peeved if you drew a mustache on one of the founding fathers’ marble facsimile.

Well, as currency is both public and private this can be a little confusing, but the take way of this entry is: stop modifying the portraits of your national leaders into David Hasslehoff portraits. Although we can all appreciate a thick, proud pelt of chest hair, the government will probably arrest you for it. If you are dead set on sharing the magnificence of Hasslehoff’s salacious swath of chest hair maybe just stick to canvas, paper or old Baywatch DVD covers. You do have a gift, and you should share it with the world.

The Switcheroo

We know that credit scores are used for everything. From getting utilities turned on at your residence, to getting a bank account and a cell phone. Sometimes people with a less than spotless credit record will turn to a family or friend (and this happens a lot with cell phones and utilities) to sign up for a service so the credit score deviant can avoid deposits, high interest etc. This is illegal, basically falling into the realm of falsifying information or even forgery. Nasty stuff really, so nasty in fact that you can be charged with hefty fines and even jail time if found guilty.

Is it really worth risking your freedom to sign up for a 10 year cell phone contract so you can get the latest Apple device for a lower payment of $100 dollars a month and your left kidney? I understand that you’re a bit of an Apple fan-boy/girl, but come on you can buy a cheap knock-off and save blood dialysis costs in the future. Oh, and that seamlessly brings me to my next point.

Can Real Slim Shady Please Stand Up?

Not Paying Royalties

Yes, even you as a simple backwoods guitar picker must pay royalties when playing a copyrighted song in public. That includes anything written by Creed, Nickleback and Limp Bizkit. You can be subjected to fines, imprisonment or aggressive smashing of your guitar. Not because you’re playing copyrighted music, but because you are a magically unique and insufferable douche that plays Creed, Nickleback and Limp Bizkit. Oh, that faux country emetic noise that’s thinly veiled as music is because I’m an insufferable douche.

Where is Your Visa?

The internet has interconnected the globe into a huge suffocating web of selfie obsessed narcissists and cat videos. OK, OK it also helps us communicate remotely with our homes, loved ones and friends. It also enables us to be illegal migrant workers when on vacation in an exotic foreign land (like Canada for example). Yes, if you even log a minute of online time while abroad you are becoming an undocumented worker. Granted this is an extreme scenario, but financial legality is financial legality. Can you image the hundreds of dollars a year a government loses every year in tax money from the haphazard momentary glances that workaholics steal looking at email inboxes? If it wasn’t for displeased partners and spouses, the amount of lost tax revenue could be massive! THOSE DAMN IMMIGRANTS BRINGING THEIR JOBS WITH THEM!!!!

Are there any other financial crimes that we commit daily but can land us in jail? Let us know in the comment section below!