5 Reasons Why You Are Still Single

Being single isn’t really that bad, it saves you money: no fancy dinners to pay for, no gifts to buy, it allows you the personal freedom to be the slob God intended you to be; if you choose to only wear pants when you’re in public, more power to you, just don’t be surprised if the neighbours call the police complaining about a strange smell emanating from your apartment. Here are a few reasons why you currently can sit on your couch in those sweat-pants caked in suspicious looking stains.

See Also: Why Are You Single?

No Sharing

It’s ingrained in our genes to gather and horde all resources available to us. If our ancestors killed some sort of ancient animal like a woolybinger (I don’t know what ancient animals are called, do I look like some fancy monocle wearing ancientiologist?), they would eat as much as they could possibly handle and then give their tribe the rest (then I’m sure take a nap; woolybingers are really rich). The same impulse makes us want to eat the entire 10lb. bag of Cheetos by ourselves even if all the bright orange colouring makes your heart palpitate a little. When you’re single you can.


No Primping

Yes, if you’re single you don’t have to maintain anything that isn’t showing. No more razor-rash from over correcting your bi-daily man-scaping (you’re a hairy man and that’s nothing to be ashamed of). Let that hair grow, but you might want to clean up your neckline when your back-hair starts poking up over your collar. OH! You’re half Ape on your mother’s side! It all makes sense now.

All Decisions can be impulsive

See when you have another person to deal with you have to respect their wants and needs, be considerate of their emotional state and do an elaborate multi-hour suggestion-rejection tango-like conversation to decide what to have for dinner. Now you can make decisions on the fly, you want to stick that three week old black banana in two pieces of toast and a pickled egg for dinner? Go for it! Also, it’s the only thing you have in your fridge so…Go for it!

Financial

OK, so we’ve spoken about how much cheaper being single is, but there are even more unseen benefits from being single. Say your friend has a new start-up, Turnip Hats for Cats, and he wants you to invest, if you had a partner you would have to consult them, make sure they’re OK with Turnip Hats for Cats and then invest. Now that process is abridged to “THAT’S HILARIOUS! Who do I write the check out to?”

Bathroom Preferences

Bathrooms are battlefields for relationships. One faction wants shell shaped soap, the other faction is fighting for a shower curtain that makes it look like someone was murdered. One faction wants the seat on the toilet to be put down, the other wants to have the luxury to pee in the sink. Both are reasonable requests…actually dude, the sink thing is pretty gross, but when you’re single you can pretty much pee in any receptacle your sick heart desires.

Are there any other reasons why you are single? Let me know in the comment section below. Let’s just keep it a little censored folks; I really don’t want to hear about your bathroom habits.