Being single can be pretty great: you can scratch anywhere at any time without getting dirty looks, you can walk around in your underwear with holes big enough to taint even the most vivid imagination, and you can eat anything you want whenever you want without someone “caring” for you or “worrying about your health” and crap like that. But being single comes with a different type of nagging: the nagging desire to fit in, find someone, and get some on the reg. Here are a few more of those struggles only single people will understand.
1. Perpetual Third Wheel
Having an extra wheel is great! It lends a motorist a sense of security, because it’s always there waiting to pick up the slack when the stupid, normal-sized wheels drop the ball. When it comes to the non-vulcanized flesh and bone version of the third wheel, though, it’s practically invisible when a couple’s present. They’ll sit there fraternizing, cooing and heavily petting each other as you awkwardly sip you beer. When they asked you out for a beer, you never thought there would be this much saliva involved, which brings me to my second point:
2. Being Used as an Alibi
Let me explain: take one philandering co-worker, add another unfaithful marriage-wrecker. Now how do they engage in their illegitimate banging of boots incognito-like? Easy: they just say they’re with you. Yes, when you have two spoken-for co-workers that are engaging in unspoken bonking, they’ll need an excuse to get together to grind their naughty bits together. That’s where you come in, because when Scott’s wife asks him where he’s going to go after work, Scott’s going to respond: “I’m going to have a drink with Simon Completely Singleton.” Transversely, if Megan’s boyfriend/husband/fiancé/f*ck-buddy asks where she’s going out after work, she’s just going to say: “Oh, a few of us are going to go for a drink after work.” Later on that night, you will be sitting alone drinking your beer while watching Scott’s foggy windowed Honda Civic violently shake for three minutes.
3. Being Asked Repeatedly to Stay
Over time, it’s usually well accepted. I mean, it’s extra money, it keeps you from sitting alone in your empty apartment pondering the futility of life, and it allows you the opportunity to work shirtless once everyone goes home for the night. If you’re single though, and there’s a shift that needs to be picked up, slack that needs to be… well, picked up, also, and anytime the boss needs someone to stay after work to meet a deadline, guess who they’re going to ask? Tom with the three kids, wife, and adorable rescued three-legged dog? Nope. Scott with the two boys, his wife at home, and Megan waiting to engage in sexual congress with him at the drop of a hat? Think again. It’s you! Because it’s a general assumption that if you’re not in a relationship, you don’t have a life, either. Granted, that isn’t completely untrue, but even single people with no obligations, responsibilities and very little stress at home like days off, too, damn it!
4. Being Hit on at Work all the Time
WHO?! YOU?! AHAHAHAHA, HAHAHAHA, HAHAHA! *Wipes tears from eyes* I’m sorry, I forgot who I was talking to. Just ignore this one.
5. The No Bitch Zone
Ha! You thought I was talking about a bitch, as in an individual with and abrasive personality, huh? Well, gotcha, you presumptuous bastard! I was using the term “bitch” as in “to complain.” A great benefit of going home to someone after work is having that someone to complain to about work. If you’re single, you’ll just be forced to sit and drink away any disgruntlement and bitterness all alone.
Are there any other struggles that I might have forgotten to mention? Please let me know in the comments section below.