Stupid covers a wide spectrum of behaviors, from the ignorantly blissful to things that make you question if someone was evolutionarily stunted. There are various cases when stupid mixes with work, and the result is mortifying, terror inducing embarrassment. Here’s how to avoid being a social pariah because of clothes.
1. Avoid any article that can make you an unknowing exhibitionist
There are clothes that are workplace friendly, pant suits, button-up shirts, slacks and blazers. Unfortunately, they don’t do a great job promoting your unbridled sexual prowess. The thing is sexy clothes are tight clothes, and tight clothes under pressure tend to come apart, ride up or pop open. You might think your pectoral muscles are something that should be admired, made into a bronze statue and venerated. However, you’d feel like a monumental jackass walking around with your shirt open down to your navel like an impoverished John Travolta from Saturday Night Fever.
Don’t think that women are impervious to these clothe related structural failures. You think that your gams (gams? Really? What is this 1930s?) are the bee’s knees (ok now your just doing it to annoy me) so you want to gift the world with the vision of your beautiful legs. So you choose your shortest (still borderline appropriate) tightest skirt and venture out. Now I will give you a series of challenges and see how your gam-exposing attire fairs: reach for something high, now squat down, oh your skirt rode up exposing more than your gams? What do you know! Now sit, oh! You busted the zipper wide apart. What…a…surprise.
Solution: Wear something loser.
2. Trying too hard
Most workplaces are not catwalks; the only workplaces that are catwalks are actual catwalks. Keep the high fashion, avante garde pieces for your nights out. No one wants to see your crotch exposing male frock (that’s a thing trust me, and for the love of pie don’t google search it, or you’ll get an eyeful). The clear see-through plastic button up shirt you’re wearing is not a flattering addition to your business suit. I don’t care how good your pecs look Terry! Nobody wants to see a man that looks like a pickled herring in a vacuum sealed bag.
Solution: Avoid Crotchless Male Frocks, Clear see-through button-up shirts and anything too out there. That would include the pants-suit ensemble with the nipples tassels on it Nancy. If you want to add a bit flair to your business casual look, use a scarf, a pocket square or funky socks.
TMI for all you non-millenials out there is an abbreviation of Too Much Information. If you’re about to call me out for repeating myself, I’m not necessarily talking about clothes that are too tight. Flowing, lose clothes can be just as revealing as tight clothes. Linen pants, silk shirts and skirts on windy days might expose a bit more than your fashion sense.
Solution: Stick to traditional fabrics, dress slacks and cotton shirts.
4. Victim of the Cheap
We all like a good bargain and if it fits like it should or even better fits great, it’s a win. What won’t be a win though? When you’re in the office restroom and your trying to wrestle your pants/skirt closed because the zipper crapped out on you post-crap.
Solution: Just avoid the cheaper stuff, pay a bit more or have your dignity make a payment.
5. When in doubt don’t use color
Solid neutrals and earth tones outfits have been the fashion impaired saving grace for millennia. The more color and pattern you add to your outfit, closer you walk the line between business casual and clown casual. If you think that clown casual sounds fun, then I’m going to assume you’re unemployed and haven’t been employed for quite a while.
Solution: You’re killing me, pay attention: solid neutrals and earth tones
Have you had any embarrassing wardrobe malfunctions? Let me know in the comment section below!