OK so I have to write this article to keep my job, but if you asked me and I had to answer candidly and truthfully I’d say take one for the team. Ha! Take one…Anyhow, we’ve all been there, actually no we haven’t. Dammit how should I start this thing? Here are 10 creative ways to say ‘no’ to your partner.
1. Boy’s/Girl’s Night Out
OK, so you are reading the signs and they are saying, “Boning Ahead” but you unfortunately got off on the previous stop, “Noboneville”. What do you do? Act like you’re asleep, softly farting every time your partner nudges or caresses you? NO! You want peace and quiet; farts are not the deterrent they once were in the pre-Screech-from-Saved-by-the-Bell-sex tape era, so grab your partner’s phone and start calling people on their contact list. Eventually, you’re bound to find someone a) awake or b) awoken and confused into agreement. That is a friend your partner doesn’t hang out with because they are super annoying but always eager. You just might want to avoid anyone on the list entered as: Psycho stalker chick, Dude with amazing bod or Shitface McD*ck. I mean, you could, but you’re going to have a bad time. Also, remember you are sending your partner out amongst the attractive throngs of bar and club patrons with high sexual desire – use at your own risk.
2. Write ‘No’ on Your Chest
NO always means NO, but sometimes you just gotta spell it out. Emblazoning your chest with body paint, lipstick or a brightly colored condiment might just do the trick. Actually, scratch the condiment; your partner might take it as an invitation for roleplaying “Involuntarily 9 ½ Weeks” and you’ll end up covered in food and leave your partner covered in disappointment. Here’s another idea: commission a bright neon sign that reads NO over the bed – when your partner gets frisky just light that sucker up!
3. FX Make Up
OK, so this needs a bit of work, but if you have a bit of an artistic flair, this might be the way to go. If you want to scare off your partner for a short time, in the morning announce that you will be visiting the salon for a bikini wax. WHAT?! Men can do it, too! Sexist bastard. Anyhow, get home and with the magic of FX make up, make your crotch look like you’ve been wearing sandpaper undies all day. Let the magic happen, but don’t worry, when you drop your trousers:you will hear a yelp of surprise and panic from your partner effectively terminating all amorous endeavors. If you want to put off your partner for a little longer, decorate ’down there’ with a few red bumps and tell them: “Don’t worry babe, that should clear up in about six weeks.”
4. The Bait and Switch
This is an advanced technic and demands psychological manipulation of your partner. But if you have no moral compass and a lacking sex drive, this should do the trick. First bait: send suggestive texts, maybe a sexy pic of you showing a bit of ankle (what? Mennonites sext, too). Here is where the manipulation comes in. The Switch: every time you send a text, find the most atrocious, libido squashing, polar opposite of salacious ankle pics and send them to your partner via a different phone or email. For example, send him/her the picture of his/her Mom’s vacation when she’s wearing her burkini (that’s a swimwear burka, your friendly, informative and slightly unbalanced author) with the email topic ‘Sexy pics’. Since they’re worked up, they’ll immediately open it. Eventually, you will condition them to have an aversion to any type of sexting, so if they want it, send them a simple: “Oh, I want it too, baby” and they’ll be wearing their lockdown sweatpants in no time (lockdown sweatpants are a disgustingly old and ratty piece of loungewear – that doesn’t necessarily have to be sweatpants – which a partner wears to indicate beyond the benefit of a doubt that their ‘region’ is on lockdown. Anybody with even the shortest experience regarding long-term relationships knows exactly what I’m talking about, your friendly, informative and slightly disturbed author).
5. Medical Feigning A.K.A. the Doctor’s Note
Used since elementary school to get you out of a myriad of obligations that you would otherwise be… well, obligated to participate in. When you partner slides over on the couch a bit too close and with a single raised eyebrow, let them know that you have the stomach flu that is making you spew like Mt. Vesuvius from every God-given orifice. The coup de grâce is whip out a doctor’s note indicating its highly contagious nature. How you procure the note is up to you; I do not condone forging, even though forging might be an option in this very specific situation.
6. Bug out
As the possibility of worldwide societal collapse is increasing, a part of the population known as doomsday preppers is looking to military strategies to survive. They have what is called a bug-out plan, which is a set of supplies, a plan, and a location to flee to if they need to rapidly escape their home if under threat. In our case, we can also borrow from these technics to escape from the horrible promise of unwilling coitus. Step 1: keep an overnight bag permanently in your car’s trunk. Step 2: as the deed is getting closer and closer to happening, fake an incoming call. Step 3: act as if a family member (that is preferably outside a 10-mile radius from your horny partner) is ill and you must be there for support. Drive to a hotel, spend the night and return to a worried (and libido-less) partner. Be wary of this technic though, because a perpetual overnight bag and an overnight stay at a seedy cheap hotel could result in accusations of infidelity, but it’s totally worth it to avoid sweaty hot sex with the person you love (or tolerate in the best case scenario, let’s be honest with ourselves, folks).
See Also: Why Are You Single?
So, now you are equipped with the knowledge to effectively stave off any type of sexual advance. Go forth and (don’t) procreate any children.