A bitch is not a sexist term as it can apply to both male and female-gendered people. Colloquially, it usually indicates an individual who complains excessively, is perpetually cynical and sarcastic, overly aggressive without warrant or, by definition, a female dog. Although my first impulse would be to write this article in the literal sense of the word, as in what struggles a female dog would have to deal with at work, I’m pretty sure it’s too absurd a concept to pass by my editors. So here are struggles at work only bitchy humans will understand.
1. 99 Problems and I’m the Bitchy One
The reason governments pay exorbitant amounts of money to the people that speak on their behalf is because they realize that one understated, overstated or unstated thing can result in conflicts, tensions and general malcontent. So these countries, that could out and out say eff you to the people they are negotiating with and then start shooting them with various deadly ballistic things, prefer to use diplomacy to defuse any situations. And they’re idiots for it! They still have enemies, right? So why bother being all fake and diplomatic when you can just tell them as it is? Your office enemies don’t have deadly ballistics things, and the worst thing that could happen is you get a little slap on the wrist by HR – big whoop!
2. 99 Enemies Because I’m the Bitchy One
Speaking your mind comes at a high cost, not everyone realizes this. With great bitchiness comes many enemies (that’s a Spiderman reference if anyone missed it, and that’s the comic book version – f*ck the movie version, f*ck it right in the eye).
Very few people will actually like the office bitch because, well, they’re a bitch. Bitches have a specific set of undesirable assets that repels people better than oil repels water. One of which is being meaner than a tenth-grade bully with an oedipal complex and daddy issues.
Let’s do a quick exercise: if a coworker was wearing something regrettably unflattering, would you:
- Tell them that you like their hairdo,
- Quickly change the subject to something weather-related, or
- Mercilessly laugh in their face while pointing at the offending garment and telling them they would fit in perfectly with the cast of The Biggest Loser before the weight loss?
It does feel great to make fun of people, especially when they break down crying, ruining that atrocity they call clothes. But can you see how it can make people dislike you? Come on… think about it for a second... Right, this is getting nowhere. You have about as much compassion as a puppy-killing dictator. Moving on.
3. You Usually Get Your Bitchy Way
Yes, you usually get what you ask for, and you are hated for it, but people just don’t understand why that is. Well, it’s because you have a conniption every time you don’t get what you want. Do they think that it’s easy to put yourself out like that? Actually, moaning and complaining comes natural to you, but you have to have the constitution to do so. And boy, do you have the constitution to yell and moan? You even have constitution coming out your wazoo. Still, they hate you with a passion; I mean, if they could, they would have their own espresso machine, catering service, and corner office. But they suck and they don’t, so suck it, suckers!
4. Are You Dynamic Or Just Bitchy?
It’s undeniable that you’re bitchy but for some strange reason people consider your brutal, tactless nature as an indication of strength and mental fortitude. Why do you have to excuse yourself for everything you do? You just speak your mind because you know it hurts people, and you take sick, twisted joy in that. You just wish everyone around you would know that.
Being dynamic means that you have ambition, you aspire to be better, but as any self-proclaimed bitch knows, you are perfection and you can’t get any better than perfect now, can you, bitch? No matter how many times you hear a coworker say “Man, he/she is so dynamic” while looking around paranoid and you respond “I’m not dynamic. I’m a bitch, you idiot” they still won’t stop. Which brings us to our next point:
5. Being a Bitch Is Scary
Being a bitch is admittedly scary – not to you, but to others. They look behind corners to make sure you’re in a different room, and avoid eye contact with you when you’re in the same room. Then there’s that box of donuts that mysteriously shows up on your desk every day.
You like being left alone, but if there’s nobody around, then there’s nobody to torture and make fun of to help along the hum-drum of the day. Sure, it’s nice to know that you can clear out a room faster than a rabid Ebola-infected Bengal tiger, but it comes with its fair share of disadvantages, first of which is the lack of human entertainment.
6. Bitches Be Free!
The biggest reason you’re a bitch is because you don’t want to be restricted by the various social protocols but you must inevitably abide by some. You can’t, for example, burst into your boss’ office and tell him off for not allowing you to take a 30-day paid vacation or tell him that he’s a f*cknut for not giving you a promotion.
Non-bitchy people don’t understand that these social mandates can have a physical manifestation. You have a nervous tick for every boss that you haven’t called an idiot and a knot in your stomach for every ass hat that you haven’t called an ass hat, in fear that you’ll lose your job. And that, my bitchy friend, is the real struggle… Maybe try being a little less bitchy so you don’t end up giving yourself a stress-induced heart attack.
Do you know someone who is a complete and utter bitch? Are you a complete and utter bitch yourself? Well, unfortunately, I don’t know any clinics or any other type of therapy that might de-bitch-ify you, but you’re more than welcome to take a look at this article about controlling your emotions. Or you can just leave me some passive aggressive comments below.