[In Southern accent and delivered zealously:] All you heathens are consumed by your greed and insatiable excesses! Hell has a special extra warm spot for your ample buttocks to sizzle while you are consumed by the sulfurous flames of demonic flatulence! You stack your money high! But you are morally bankrupt! You invest in stock but never in your salvation! You want to know what you do to enrage the Almighty Lord Cthulhu?! Oh… You really do want to know? OK, here are the seven deadly sins of the rich.
OK, so first, let’s talk about the “deadly” part of the seven deadly sins. In most religious scriptures, deadly means that it kills a person’s charity, morals and principles. Deadly by definition though is a certain behavior that will promptly end your life. Since I started this article so secularly, I thought I’d continue that format and just concentrate on the things rich and famous people do that can release them from this mortal coil.
1. Speaking Your Mind (Pride)
There are many luxuries that come with wealth (such as being able to cover your bed in money and roll around in it nude, and swimming in a pool of coins… at least that’s what I assume are the luxuries available to them). Another advantage of being rich is opening your mouth and allowing any and all cognitive diarrhea you’ve produced to spew forth.
Working class and poor people have to always watch what they say so they don’t piss off their boss, customers, coworkers, and spouse. That’s because most poor people’s relationships are codependent (which I know isn’t super healthy, it’s just the way it is), so every interpersonal dynamic they have is based on their need of the other person and vice versa. Rich people are usually masters of their own destiny, and have very little need and dependence on other people so they can express themselves however the hell they want. A big mouth can get you into big trouble though, as Charles Dickinson would tell you. Well, if he was alive.
Back in 1906, Dickinson got into an argument with a certain gentlemen lawyer and former Tennessee Senator called Andrew Jackson (yes, the same one that became president and had his face printed on the $20 bill). During their heated argument, Dickinson (a plantation owner and rival racehorse breeder) claimed Jackson cheated on horse race betting and called his wife something unsavory. Maybe poopy-head or something equivalently offensive for the period (poopy-head is timelessly offensive). Actually, he called her a bigamist – wow, honestly, that’s a pretty decent burn and wasn’t untrue considering the fact that Rachael Jackson hadn’t finalized her divorce from her previous marriage before tying the knot with the soon to be Prez.
After being treated for his ha-burn, Jackson challenged Dickinson to a duel. The crappy thing was that Jackson cheated at duels just as much as he did in horse race betting (he’s been dead for long enough; I doubt he’ll come back as a zombie to challenge me to a duel and, if he does, that would be really epic). Dickinson managed to shoot first and hit Jackson in the test, but as his face on the $20 bill testifies, he survived the hit.
Jackson attempted to shoot Dickinson but his pistol misfired, which under the gentlemen’s rules and conventions of dueling ended the bout. But ole Andrew was no gentlemen and to hell with convention: he re-cocked his pistol and this time murdered libelous Dickinson. He was never charged for murder and his political career never took a hit.
We have all indulged ourselves to excess at least once in our lives, either from overzealously attacking an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet as the proprietor grimaces at you or at a feast thrown in your honor. Actually, not many people are privileged enough to eat themselves to the point of death at a feast that was intended to celebrate their life.
An admittedly goofy-looking (see image above) 18th century French physician and philosopher, Julien Offray de La Mettrie, was thrown a party by Milord Tirconnel, the French Ambassador to Prussia (yeah, this was so far back that Prussia existed), as a show of gratitude for curing him of some obscure old-timey ailment. Probably feet rocks, mental moss or something equivalent.
At the feast, he overindulged in the fancy-sounding pâté de faisan aux truffes (which very roughly translates to bird liver mush with super expensive fungus). Again, we are talking about the old-timey times, so La Mettrie developed a “gastric illness of some type” and died shortly after.
I mean, come on. Most poor people would die from overindulging in unhealthy, cheap fast food. This guy killed himself by eating excessive amounts of one of the most (even by today’s standard) expensive foods … in one sitting.
OK, so just like the entry about keeping your mouth shut, being working class also means that you’ll be taking a lot of preverbal ship – yes, I meant ship. It sounds like “shit” which I wanted to avoid using, but look what your incorrigible correcting made me do!
Simple people have to nod in defeat every time some rich bastard yells at them; after all, you can’t keep your job if you’re not levelheaded. Rich folk, on the other hand, can yell, cuss, spit and even kill people without repercussions (again, see the entry about keeping your mouth shut). Man, this rich thing sounds great – how do we get in on it?
So you’re filthy rich, you eat with spoons made out of francium (the rarest element on earth, and an unwise choice considering it’s radioactive and evaporates in 22 seconds), bathe in Chanel No. 5 (which is a laughably affordable at $26,000 a gallon), and feed your pet caviar whole truffles and edible gold (yep, it’s a thing).
What do you have to be envious of? Well, it’s not your envy that can bring you a horrible death, but other people’s envy of your wealth. It’s so widely accepted that there’s even a whole Hollywood movie trope dedicated to it: murdering for insurance money or to inherit a valuable estate. Unfortunately, that’s the best case scenario; worst case scenario is going through the traumatic experience the Getty Family had to deal with when one of the children was kidnapped in Italy by the Mafia.
The kidnappers asked the family for ransom, but that meant they would be exposed to opportunistic criminals if they paid up. So the criminals said OK and sent J. Paul Getty III, 16 years old at the time, to a newspaper. Well, part of him, at least – namely an ear and a lock of hair. Luckily, the Mafia eventually let him go but he was sadly never able to wear glasses again.
Money and power is an aphrodisiac for many, so you can expect to be getting more than you can handle, as a rich prick. And when I say “getting,” I mean getting sex. You’re not very smart for a genius multimillionaire are you? Oh! It makes sense that you inherited all that money from your family. I can’t see how someone like you made millions… You also became president by using your dad’s name? That’s great.
Anyhow, there are dozens of historical examples of STD-ridden people with more money than they deserved. Napoleon was one, although he didn’t die from the disease but rather from the treatment which happened to be arsenic back then.
Come on. All rich people are greedy. How did they become rich, after all? Sometimes though, to make more money than you have, you must deal with characters that are… well, let’s say less than savory. I won’t mention specific names, however, since there is a myriad of millionaire drug and arms dealers that bit the bullet because of their transactions. Get it? Bit the bullet? OK, moving on.
Now, being rich and lazy is a little of a paradox: to become rich or to stay rich, you have to work a lot more than your average blue collar peon. Sometimes though, after an overly wealthy person accumulates their weight in net worth, they decide to sit back, kick their feet up, and let the chips fall where they may – most of the time, those chips fall straight into their gullet (this applies to both the American use of chips and the British version). Combined with the excessive use of heart-destroying stimulants (prescription or not), these laidback well-funded porkers usually end up in an early grave.
See Also: Top 10 Habits That Make You Rich
Do you know any other esoteric sins that the wealthy indulge in? Let me know in the comments section below!