Every office has a resident jokester, and more often than not, no one likes them. The pranks are irritating, they’re not funny, and the prankster generally finds themselves hilarious. They constantly laugh at their own “jokes” and insist on receiving high-fives from everyone following their latest “epic” prank. Think Michael Scott from The Office. It’s not that practical jokes don’t have a place at work, or that you’re a joyless drone with no sense of humor, either. But taking credit for the stuff just seems so juvenile. Childish. Immature. And dumb.
The best pranksters do so in secret. Whether it’s your office BFF or the resident douchebag, you’re of the opinion that no one should know who did it. This is especially true when you want to annoy the crap out of someone you hate in the office. Stealth is your religion. Covert is your middle name.
You need to be a prankster ninja… a prinja. You can’t just smash them in the face with a cream pie, cackle and point like a maniac, and then walk away. That will undoubtedly get you an appointment with your boss or HR. You can’t spend hours preparing said pranks, either, because the longer the setup, the more likely someone will see you doing it and rat you out after the fact. That’s not secretive. That’s the opposite of ninja (what exactly is the opposite of ninja, anyway? I’m thinking sumo wrestler).
So, what to do? Thankfully, you live in a marvelous and technologically advanced time, where impossible is nothing, and less than $20 can buy you some pretty amusing devices. The trick to pranking a colleague you hate is threefold: quick, cheap (because they’re not worth it), and anonymous. You can even feign indignation at the immature prinja after each event… just don’t lay it on too thick. You want to torment and annoy them, but you don’t want to be identified. It’s not worth risking your job, right?
There will be people you dislike or feel indifferent about at the office, and there will also be people you hate with a fiery intensity. Those people, for whatever reason, deserve your prinja wrath. They will rue the day they crossed you! They will bitterly regret making your revenge list! Maybe you’re getting them back for a previous prank. Maybe they keep using your favorite coffee mug. Maybe they stole your parking space one too many times.
Hate a colleague at work? Here’s how to secretly get them but good. Revenge, hilarity, and no possibility of reprisal or consequence. It’s the prinja code.
1. The Airzooka
Our first entry does require a little finesse and timing if you don’t want to get caught. The Airzooka and its larger, more menacing-looking big brother, the MegaZooka, blow a concentrated ball of air at your unsuspecting victim. It’s harmless, so if you do get caught, the consequences should be minor. But why bother? The Airzooka can be irritating. Blast them from behind at every opportunity (but you need to be quick and quiet – pull the trigger, then hide the weapon). Even better, you can blow papers off their desk from a distance and mess their hair (which seems like nothing, but as we all know, some people despise anyone or anything disturbing their carefully coiffed curls).
And the cost to you? The Airzooka retails for a mere $12.99.
2. The Prankster Pack
It’s time to get high tech. The Prankster Pack sells for less than $15, but includes not one, not two, but three prinja devices (each one about the size of a tealight candle) to add to your arsenal.
Device 1: The Annoy-a-tron. Beeps, meows, crickets, knocks, and doorbells are periodically emitted, and your colleague will have no idea where it’s coming from. Device 2: The Ringtone Annoy-a-tron contains five common ringtones to mimic a ringing phone. But where is it, dammit?! Device 3: The Eviltron contains six scary sounds, including an unidentifiable scratching, a sinister child laughing, and a whisper asking “Hey, can you hear me?” Did anyone else hear that?!
You make your selection, and hide the device in your victim’s office or cubicle. They’re hard to find because of their small size, and they even have a magnet to increase the possible hiding spots. The website claims over a month of use on a single battery.
3. The Phantom Keystroker
Is there anything as annoying as a computer that just won’t cooperate? This one requires a minute alone with their computer. It will work on a laptop, but a desktop with a USB port in back works best. You simply plug the Phantom Keystroker into any USB slot (preferably one not easily visible), and walk away. The device looks like a regular thumb drive, but it has three settings on the side: cap locks (it will periodically turn it on), mouse (it will cause random and odd cursor movement), and keyboard (it will occasionally write out gibberish sentences when you’re target is typing). There’s even a time delay slide switch so you can choose how frequently it goes to work. Used wisely and secretly, the Phantom Keystroker will drive anyone crazy as they try and figure out what’s wrong. You can even chime in with an occasional and sympathetic “Stupid tech, am I right?” from your cubicle next door.
4. Micro Sonic Grenade
Subtle, this one is not. The Micro Sonic Grenade, as the name suggests, is a tiny (it’s about the size of a stick of gum) piece of plastic that emits an ear-rattling siren in the 110-115 decibel range. Obviously, everyone in the office is going to hear it, so it’s not the stealthiest option on this list. You set the timer for 5, 30 or 60 seconds, and then either toss it at your target (like a grenade) or hide it somewhere near them (the infinitely more prinja choice). If anonymity is part of your plan, you’ll need to hide it somewhere they will never find it (so you can retrieve it later) or resolve yourself to only using it once (it’s worth the sacrifice, of course).
5. Liquid Ass
No matter how old we get, most men still enjoy a good fart joke or prank. And that’s where Liquid Ass comes in. It smells like a horrible fart, wrapped in a dead skunk, dipped in fresh manure, and mixed with rotten milk and eggs. A few discreet sprays near your victim’s desk or door, and a powerful, gag-worthy, eye-burning stench will soon assault them. Highbrow? Not at all. Hilarious? Indeed.
6. Sonic Nausea
Okay, this one goes beyond simple yet harmless pranks against someone you strongly dislike. It’s harsh and should only be used for the truly heinous in the office. The Sonic Nausea device is small and runs on a single 9-volt battery. It’s easy to hide. Set it up near your nemesis’ desk or chair, and it emits (unnoticeable) ultrahigh frequency sound waves that can cause headaches, sweating, irritation, nausea, and even vomiting. It doesn’t work on everyone, and it’s obviously not something you’d want to get caught doing. Still, it might be worth the $40 investment if there’s someone truly deserving of your wrath at work.
7. Wrong Number Generator
The Wrong Number Generator is self-explanatory. It attaches to a landline cord between the phone and the wall jack, and will periodically change any dialed number to a randomly selected one. Even better, 25% of placed calls will go through as dialed to throw your target off the scent. Imagine the fun you’ll have watching them get increasingly angry with the “piece of crap” phone that keeps dialing incorrectly. Hours of entertainment! It’s the most expensive item on this list (approximately $90) but it practically pays for itself with the delight it will bring you.
Revenge is a dish best served cold, but it’s even better served anonymously. Use these devices and tricks to get back at anyone on the wrong side of your good side. Put your prinja skills to good use. Stay safe. Stay secret. And stay in the shadows. Job safe, prank played, revenge served.
What’s the best office prank you’ve ever played on someone you hate at work? Leave your additions in the comments section below!