Ah, you long for the days when things were simple, when phones had cords (or, if they were cordless, the further away you were from the charging base, the more static the connection would become). You miss the days where the biggest distraction at work would be your electric green slap bracelet, not endless streams of friends’ personal information being beamed directly to your smartphone. You also miss the times when every meal and glass of water was a game of Russian Roulette, with dysentery being the bullet in the chamber (maybe chamber pot is more appropriate). You feel like you were born 10/20/250 years too late and it can sometimes be really hard for a nostalgic person, especially at work. Well, let’s go back to the 90s, be it the 1990s, the 1890s, or the 1490s.
1. Slow Time
Slowing things down can take a lot of the day’s stress away. Just like slow-cooked food; although the time involved is much more, the results just melt in your mouth… Maybe that’s a bit of a labored metaphor, but you get what I mean, right? Although your boss is adamant that you should use the company’s internal communication network for security reasons, you can’t understand how exactly that’s safer that using an 18th century letterpress. Your memo is on a physical piece of paper that can be destroyed or made into a cone to hold freshly roasted chestnuts/sheep’s trotters from the street vendor.
2. Tyrannical Technology
So what if you want to use a typewriter instead of a computer to draft up your expense reports? Sure, you have to use tons of paper and multiple sheets of carbon paper to create multiple copies of your memo regarding the availability of mutton in the vending machine, but beyond increased cost, extra labor hours and the complaints of everyone else in the office regarding the melodious clickety-clack of your typewriter, you can’t understand why your boss has such a problem with it. It’s probably because he’s pretty miffed he can never find you due to your refusal to use the company cellphone. If you’ve told him once, you’ve told him a thousand times: he can leave you a message on your machine. You even have a custom greeting message by worldwide famous hip-hop artist MC Hammer – you’d think he’d want to get the answering machine.
3. Quotes Bespokes
It’s universal knowledge that most people are insufferable sods. Even though you constantly quote 80s gems from Back to the Future, Ghostbusters, Jaws (“we’re going to need a bigger boat”), and 9½ Weeks, your attempts at spreading a little old school bliss go unappreciated. Sure, when someone asks you for a pen, you could be boring and say “Here”, or you could open your legs wide, squat, and say: “SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!” Or when Darla in reception tells you that your wife/husband tried calling you, you could say “I’ll give ‘em a call” or you could say “E.T., phone home” instead. And finally, when you’re sitting in the board room as your boss coordinates your workload, you could say “Anything you need, Mr. Boss Bossington” but “Go ahead, make my day” sounds much better. I still can’t see how people don’t enjoy that?! “Hasta la vista, baby”. “Nobody puts Baby in the corner”. OK, I’m done… No, actually: “Wax on, Wax off”. Now I’m the done.
4. In a Galaxy Far, Far Away
At some point in life, everybody has imagined themselves strutting down the street with musical accompaniment, much like John Travolta in the opening scene of Saturday Night Fever (see video above). So why would it be problematic that you walk around with a huge, monolithic boombox on your shoulder? I mean, when you’re trying to reprimand someone, what better music is there than “The Imperial March”? Or is there a better song to listen to on Friday than Montell Jordan’s “This Is How We Do It”? No, the naysayers can shut their non-musical mouths; everything is better with music, especially anything with 2 Unlimited’s “No Limit”. Oh, I think I just had a nostalgically induced music orgasm.
5. The Dress Code
Sure, there is an unofficial dress code at work, but no one says that your shoulder pads have to be prudentially small or that your pants can’t taper to an ankle-squeezing cuff. Yet every time you show up in your best 80s suit, you get the hairy eyeball. Even all the other clothes you have, including your Zoot suit, windbreaker, and even Renaissance dignitary seem to be unacceptable. OK, I guess the windbreaker making that “swish, swish, swish, swish, swish” sound whenever you move can get a bit annoying, but Lucy’s bangles jingle just as bad when she walks. No matter how many times you explain that you must wear the codpiece, they still insist you stop wearing it because it’s offensive… Fine, if they feel that it’s work appropriate to expose your genitalia, so be it.
6. Speed No.2
Sure, things are blisteringly fast today, from computers to cellphones and internet connections to music. What the hell is that? How is that music? It sounds like someone spilled Coke on their radio and then recorded it.
Anyhow, as the idiom goes: slow and steady wins the race. Who needs 10 mbps when you can have a solid 56K? Also, why mess with computers with superfast processors when you can do stuff with a Pentium I? Added benefit of the Pentium I computer is that you can play your favorite DOS games without emulators and other complexities! Don’t even get me started on the gaudy, million-color displays today’s computers have; I’m a black screen, green letters type of guy… At best, I’ll compromise for black screen with white letters, but that’s it.
7. Distraction and Remakes
Tell me how a normal, well-adjusted individual that lives in the past can function in this society that is dedicated to pooping all over previous artistic accomplishments? How can I concentrate on my work when Hollywood insensitively remakes grand opuses such as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Transformers, and even Mad Max (which was admittedly awesome, but I would never verbally express that). This isn’t the first time this has happened, either: people have been crapping all over the previous versions of beloved franchises since the beginning of cinema with Dracula, Ocean’s 11 (come on, George Clooney is sexy, but he’s not Frank Sinatra sexy), and Scarface (I’m sorry, 1930s’ Paul Muni has 100 times the charisma Pacino has). It’s a sad state of affairs that preoccupies your thoughts and makes ever activity during the day harder and longer. No, that is not a phallic joke; stop chuckling like a child…
Are you nostalgic? Do you struggle at work? Well, let me know your troubles by contacting telegraph office number 323, stop. Or if you’re into that newfangled technology, you can leave a comment for me below.