How to Be a Corporate Zombie


The everyday grind can break down even the toughest of people, trying to strike a balance between home life and professional responsibilities can be emotionally and physically tasking. Trying to get through the day in one piece is often a herculean task that can beat up even the most resilient of characters. On top of that you’re also a member of the undead.


Being hit by an axe, chopped with a sword or shot can wreak havoc on your perfectly composed (and decomposing) corporate outfit. Even in my infinite wisdom as an almighty content writer I cannot give you a solution or a short-cut, you’re going to have to deal with it. If it helps, you could just consider it part of your charm, after all, it would be pretty strange to see a zombie (even a corporate one) dressed in an impeccable Armani suit.


They are delectable, sweet and sometimes a bit charming, but if you want to keep your job for all of eternity you’re going to have to be smart about interpersonal-zombie relations. Don’t go for the most popular guy/gal in the office, try nibbling on the weird dude in accounting that creepily massages everyone he stands behind. Not only will nobody miss him, but they most probably will be grateful to you for sending him to the great cubicle beyond. Just a word of advice though, make sure you don’t turn him because if you think getting touched by a living person is creepy, try the same thing with a zombie.


Again as I mentioned above your choices for sustenance need to be socially acceptable. Don’t expect to be invited out for drinks after you’ve eaten One-Liner Tom’s innards, everyone loves that guy. Try eating a supervisor or a boss instead, not only will it make you an office hero but you might actually get a day off to attend the wake. Added bonus is once your boss becomes a zombie you’ll have a little bit of an in with him/her. Birds of a feather right?


Because you’re undead doesn’t mean that you have to neglect your appearance. If bits and pieces of you are falling off mid-conversation or negotiation, the person you are speaking to might find it distracting. Before you start your day take a look in a mirror, make sure everything is where it’s supposed to be and walk with confidence (or shuffle). If you see any shifting or decaying, a little bit of super-glue and concealer will go a long, long way.


All work and no play make Jack a dull boy, right? You could join everyone else and chase the ‘living’ all night, but that can get old quick.  Try to take in a movie (there will always be some fresh meat at the concessions counter, the only downside is that their fingers will probably taste like that bright yellow artificial butter and M&Ms), go to a live show (if it’s in a bar even better, because what drunk person is going to notice another stumbling mess) or even make friends. Zombies make friends really easy too! Just find someone that seems approachable (and slow) and give ‘em a bit of a nibble. In about 15-30 minutes, you’ll have someone you can groan ‘BRaaIIInnsSS’ at all night long.

See Also: Top 10 Ways Technology Makes us Look Stupid

Are you a corporate zombie and would like to share your experience? Well, let us know in the comment section below and a safe distance. I’m warning you I have a cross-bow.





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