How to Be A Trophy Husband/Wife

Are you stuck in a dead-end job? Is work completely below you? Do you loath the fact that you must mingle with the working class peons on a daily basis? Well do I have the solution for you! You need to find yourself a proverbial sugar-momma/daddy (or both if that’s what swings your ding-a-ling). But where do you start? You can’t be bothered with the menial task of clicking through pages and pages of research can, well worry not, I can help you! The only down side is that you’ll have to have someone read it to you.

See Also: Gods And Goddesses of Hollywood: The Hard Way to The Olympus

Be attractive

There are other ways

OK now there is another way, even if you’re unattractive. This method isn’t the cheapest or the most painless but consider yourself an investment that will pay out dividends. Oh my God, you don’t know what dividends are? They’re pay-offs. For love of everything that’s yellow! You don’t know what an investment is? It’s when you pay money with the hope to eventually get more money back. Stop looking at me like that, it’s a real thing…no, this isn’t a cylinder scheme, investment is a real thing. And by the way it’s called a Pyramid scheme but I am still really impressed you know the word “cylinder”. Anyway, with a little bit of plastic surgery anyone can be fixed up to look amazing, even if it looks like you’re the illegitimate love child of a mangy hyena and a mythological tentacle-d creature. OK, maybe I took it too far; if you indeed look like that, maybe you should contact a witchdoctor first, just in case you might have a case of the ancient gods possession.

The Right Place at the Right Time

Oh Hi! See, now that your grill is fixed I don’t feel like I’m looking into the eyes of a hellish beast visiting from the sulfuric depths of purgatory. Wow, they did a bang up job getting rid of that tuft of hair you had on your nape! Oh….oh they used it for that bald spot on the side of your head. Well none the less you might not be able to find a millionaire sugar-momma/daddy but you could aspire for a hundredaire or maybe even a…no, no, you know what, let’s just stick with that. So where will you find your future hundredaire? You need to put yourself in the haunts people of a certain status and social standing frequent. In that case you should be OK at a bowling alley, KFC or Pawn Shop (or alleyway behind any of them). The Pawn Shop is a great place to figure out your future partner’s wealth too! If their trying to pawn dryer lint shaped into an Elvis Presley bust, you might want to try your luck on the next patron. Actually, Elvis Dryer Lint Bust guy/gal might be perfect for you.   

Social Media/ Online Dating

Oh my God, we’ve tried everything and the only time someone didn’t run away from us screaming was that guy that jumped the 2 m. fence in one bound. Not exactly the reaction we are looking for here. So there is this ancient trick, passed from generation to….oh never mind you already stopped listening didn’t you? Can you please stop staring at your shoes? I know their gold and shiny, but you’re not helping one bit. OK, so now that I have your attention again let me reveal this secret. Top down selfies could make a werewolf seem attractive. I don’t know the science behind it, but I do know it has helped hideous individuals of both sexes trick themselves into relationships since the ancient days when social media was introduced. Although I doubt you’ll bother, you can do a bit of market research and see which characteristics are the most attractive to the type of person that you want to attract. Which is an unusually short list, the most popular characteristic being: “Not a Serial Killer”?

There is a little bit of work

Being a trophy husband/wife actually does demand a bit of work. Your job is to look good, and that means working out, watching your diet and generally keeping yourself together. Well as together as you can be, that is. You’ll need to intermittently go to the gym, get waxed where your partner pleases you to be waxed (in your case the more the better), get regular manis and pedis (seriously you look like you could fly off with a baby lamb with those talons) and frequently visit the salon. Oh you thought that you’ll just get to lay there and meld with the couch? Au contraire mon frère, being a trophy partner demands work, have you never heard the saying ‘looking this good isn’t easy, I just make it look easy’? Of course you haven’t, you can barely breath while keeping your walking in sync.

See Also: What Comes After the Internet? A Look into the Future of Technology

Are there any other ways you know of that can score you a sweet pot-bellied hundredaire? Well share you wisdom with the listless masses in the comment section below.





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