Be Happy You're Single on Valentine’s Day - 5 Horrible Hookups

The alarm goes off and as you pull yourself through the veil of hangover and after-3am-Taco-Bell, you realize you’re not home. Praying, you turn to your side to see a stark naked and anonymous person in deep slumber next to you. You get up, remembering as much as you’re wearing – nothing – and try to sneak out. Alas, Anonymous has awoken and would like to make coffee for you before you leave. Consider yourself lucky, because it could have been worse; much, much worse.

1. Bloody Hell

OK, so I’m just going to throw you in the deep end. I hope you have your wetsuits on. So, after an extended e-flirtation... what? If they say e-commerce, why can’t I say e-flirtation? Anyway, after a long flirtation via electronic devices (happy?), our female friend decided to have an amorous encounter with the person on the other side of the Interwebs. Of course, as most people know, before you meet someone for the first time with the explicit intent of just bumping uglies, you get rip-roaring-cowboy-yeehawing drunk. No, most people actually met completely sober, strangely enough. Lucky for our heroine, as was her willing copulation partner, she was three sheets to the wind. Just consider the sheets idiom foreshadowing. After engaging in a raucous and fully inebriated boot-knocking, they both passed out. When our friend awoke, she went to the mirror and discovered she was covered in red. She had started her period a day before, but got so drunk she forgot. She went back to the room to the sight of everything being covered, to which she used as a cue to – how do I say this? – get the hell out of Dodge and never look back. How the blood got on her face, I will let you extrapolate.

2. Pregnant Meth-smoking Stripper

So, this classy gentleman finds a young impressionable lady [vinyl record screeching to a stop]. Cue death metal music video directed by David Lynch. Actually, take a degenerate, give him a stripper with a half-shaved head, facial tattoos, high on meth and pregnant, and he’ll tell you it’s the best sex he’s ever had. Good Lord. Please, excuse me; I have to go see if there’s a way to wash your soul. The image below is an artist’s rendition of said stripper.

3. The Toad

This guy met a girl on Tinder. For anyone born before ’95, Tinder is a smartphone app dedicated to hookups. I’ll spare you any other details. So, guy meets girl, girl wants to go back to guy’s place. Girl meets guy’s pet toad on front porch and stomps on it (presumably killing it) while looking guy directly in the eye. Guy freaks out, asks why she would do that. Girls says “Because I wanted you to f**k me angry” This is sounding more and more like an 80s’ rom-com. Finally, guy kicks girl out, but girl returns topless on his back porch and gets arrested. I’m pretty sure that’s more or less how Mannequin finished.  

4. Window Jumper

Ha, you would think this involves a significant other interrupting the adulterous act and one of the two sweaty bodies being forced to escape, right? Wrong. This college-aged man met someone, did the deed, and woke up to being tied by the ankles and his clothes hidden. She sat in front of him, fully clothed, mind you, and asked him questions writing down the answers. The fornicating fiend went to the restroom where our hero took the opportunity to find his clothes in the refrigerator and jump out the window to freedom.

5. Give ‘em an inch and they’ll ask for a foot

So, our last casual cajoler was getting hot and heavy with her crush, outdoors. For modisty’s sake, they decided to move it to the car, when her amore asked her to touch his disco stick with her foot. She was unwilling to participate in this willy-tootsie tease.

I’m not even going to ask, but if you’re feeling bold, go ahead and let us know about your worst hookup stories in the comment section below.




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