You are a suave M.F. my friend, you dress impeccably, you make sure your street style is on fleek and you make the ladies swoon. Of course, most of the ladies you’ve met have ten teeth between the six of them and live in the attic above the honky-tonk bar. But that’s what you’ve got to work with in the backwoods town you live in.
But, now you’ve out-grown your hometown and need a place a little more cosmopolitan to sow your wild oats, so where should you go? Here are some of the best places for an Incurable Bachelor.
Las Vegas, U.S.A.
So you want to live your life like it’s a perpetual bachelor’s party. If there is one city that is famous for its bottomless buffets, constantly flowing booze and legally available love for hire, its good old Viva Las Vegas. What other city affords you the luxury to treat your date to a Haute Cuisine eatery or a $9.99 T-Bone steak and all you can eat trimmings buffet seven days a week. What other city is flooded by Rubenesque pasty tourists year round, just plump for the picking?
Even if those pickings are a little too heavy for your weak pick-up lines, you even have a Plan B (that could potentially result in contracting a venereal disease). What says good wholesome fun than a city that was built by the Mafia so people can indulge in a myriad of vices? And you know that your sequined satin jumpsuit won’t even elicit a double-take in the city Fat Elvis made famous.
So this entry might seem a little an irreverent or even an absurd to anyone that knows anything about Birmingham. Tripadvisor has voted Birmingham (twice I should mention) the most boring city not only in England but in all of Europe.
No I am only slightly deranged, let me make my point and we’ll see who’s crazy. First of imagine how exciting you’ll seem in the most dull city in Europe. Second what do a lot of people do when they’re bored? Watch cat videos on Youtube, fair enough. Watch T.V., touché. They have sex you libido-less twit. So imagine how much sex you will be having in a city that’s full of people that are bored to the edge of death.
Much like Birmingham, Brussels was also voted (in the same poll coincidently) as one of the dullest cities in Europe. It’s the seat of the European Parliament, European Commission and NATO, and just to add insult to injury it’s full of dull bureaucrats. Here’s where Belgium’s most famous products come into play. Super high alcohol content beer and chocolate. So not only are you dealing with people so bored out of their mind that they would readily engage in (what I imagine would be very stiff and awkward) intercourse, but they’re also drunk and munching on chocolate.
From the chocolate, we can extrapolate that most of them are really lonely…why else would they move to Belgium? Pfft, because they’re dignitaries, politicians and diplomats you say? You know in your heart of hearts that strong beer and chocolate trumps all that. Also you know politicians are freaks I mean look at all their scandals. That’s my perspective I’m sticking to it.
New Orleans, U.S.A.
I don’t know if you’re privy to a tasteful little event that takes place in New Orleans called Mardi Gras. People sip local libations, enjoy the famous creole cuisine and a type of jazz music characteristic of New Orleans. Actually it’s more like a full-out riot, but with booze, beer, boobs and food that’s so hot it singes your soul (amongst other less-than-mentionable parts of you). If you thought there was an incongruity with the “boob” part of the aforementioned list let me clarify. Mardi Gras is very famous for the beads that are thrown at the crowds during the inaugural parade. It’s not really the actual beads that are famous, but their result. When these tacky plastic beads are bestowed onto a buxom young (or old, Mardi Gras is not an ageist institution) woman they are obligated by social contract to reveal their breasts. The more you know right?
Furthermore, Mardi Gras is basically a no-holds-barred opportunity for complete and utter debauchery. People participating in the festivities usually also engage with abandon in sexual acts of all sorts, including…you know what never mind, you can search Google if you have a high tolerance for sexed up drunkards, a healthy curiosity and a less than healthy mind.
New York, New York, U.S.A.
What can I say other than it’s probably the sexiest city in the United States. Also, it has one of the best male to female ratios in the country. Add on to that all the fancy places you can go on a date including the MoMa (The Metropolitan Museum of Modern Art), the Guggenheim, the Metropolitan Opera, Broadway [inhales deeply], the Empire State Building, the Statue of Liberty and the Brooklyn Botanic Garden just to mention a few.
It’s also home to fashion houses, Broadway, and Julliard, so you can expect an ample presence of jaded fashion models, actresses and performing arts students that wouldn’t give you the time of day. Also, New York is home to some of the most powerful, affluent, and, filthy rich, alpha-male bankers in the world which you will compete with when vying for beautiful women’s affection. May the best man win (a little heads up, that’s probably not you).
You know what? Maybe you should just go back to Backwoods. Susie-Lou isn’t a fashion model and she has a lazy eye, but she’s a sure thing, maybe you should just cut your losses is all I’m saying.
Do you know of any other place that would be perfect for a bachelor? Let’s avoid Bangkok though for various reasons. Let me know in the comment section below.