Career blogs and employment websites usually provide tips on how not to be annoying at the office or how to deal with annoying employees. But it’s very rare to find articles that give tips on how to be annoying to your team if you’re a complete jerk. You’ve come to the right place!
See Also: How NOT to Deal with Annoying Coworkers
Sometimes, we can be really bad people. We can irritate our co-workers, second guess our employer’s decision of hiring us and become public enemy No. 1 at the workplace. Everything we do, whether intentional or unintentional, irks everyone around us and perhaps we become the target of murderous thoughts.
If your colleagues despise you because of who you are then why not exaggerate your quirks and foibles? If you really wanted to be a terrible person then you can simply go out of your way to be the characters of "Dumb & Dumber," or worse: Harvey Fierstein!
Unsure what to do? Here are 15 of the best ways to annoy your team if you’re a jerk:
1. Overly Kind to Everyone
Here’s a scenario to imagine in your mind: it’s Monday at about 7:45 a.m., outside it’s frigid, dark and a lot of snow. As W.C. Fields would say, it’s not weather fit for man or beast. Everyone wants to be left alone or to just sit in their bed watching Turner Classic Movies with a cup of coffee.
You understand this, so you put on your cheerful cap and become overly kind to every single person you come across. You become loud, you smile from ear to ear and you have the energy of Bugs Bunny. You compliment your one co-worker and you give a big pat on the back to your boss. You are the happiest person in the world right now. How nauseating on a day like this!
Oh, don’t forget the constant high fives!
2. That's What YOU Think/Say
Every time someone gives you instructions or informs you of something important, you should respond with: "That’s what you think" or "That’s what you say." After you utter these words in a serious manner, you walk away and proceed to obey these orders.
3. Interrupting Someone's Count
A huge list is sitting down on your co-worker’s table. She has to count something, which will take a while. When she gets to 132, interrupt with a random number. When she tries again and she reaches 83, interrupt with a piece of advice. When she tries again and hits 231, start talking about a show you watched yesterday.
4. Um, the Computer Mouse Doesn't Work
For some reason none of the computer mice work in the office. Of course they don’t work. That’s because you applied a piece of tape to the back of all the optical mice. How annoying, indeed!
5. Singing Songs and Practicing Accents
Did you finish watching "Singin’ in the Rain" yesterday? Well, now you feel like singing all of the songs in that picture, including "Fit as a Fiddle" and "Good Mornin’." You walk the halls billowing out all of these classic tunes.
After a little while, you got bored of trying to be like Gene Kelly. What should you do now? Oh, here’s an idea: try out your cockney accent, or a Jewish New Yorker accent. During meetings, conversations with your colleagues and phone calls with clients, use these accents.
If you’ve seen "My Fair Lady" then you can do both: sing and do a cockney impression.
6. Look Deep Into the Eyes of Another Person
When someone is talking to you, stare deep into their eyes without blinking or any facial gestures. You just simply stare without moving an inch. Even when they walk away, you just stand there staring at them. Who knows? Perhaps if they return in 15 minutes, you’re still standing there in the same spot.
7. Bold, Uppercase, Errors and Italics Are Your New Friends
If you really want to annoy your team members then be obnoxious in your emails. Yes, we all hate the "LOLs" and the "OMGs," but what irks us even more are special characters, spelling mistakes, italics, uppercase letters and boldness in emails. Here is the perfect type of email to send to your colleagues:
"Hi TEAM, i thought i should email use GUYS because i want 2 know wut use guys want for LUNCH. If use guys could tell me, then i would appreciate teh an EMAIL BACK."
That will certainly have their blood boiling!
8. Following Someone With Lysol Wipes/Spray
Hone in on a target and follow them a few paces back. Every time they touch something, whether it’s a doorknob or a stapler, wipe it down with a Lysol wipe or spray it with some Lysol.
9. Good Morning (But It's 4p.m.)
When it’s the morning, start telling everybody "good evening." When it’s the afternoon, say to everyone "have a good night." When it’s the evening, say to your team members "good morning." Better yet, begin to wish everyone a Merry Christmas, even though it’s October or February.
10. End Your Sentences Abruptly
You’re in the middle of a long spiel about a project you’re working on. Suddenly, you end your sentence out of nowhere. There are a few moments of silence. By this time, somebody will tell you to continue. Just inform them that you forgot so you will start again.
11. Constantly Quote 'Seinfeld' Lines
Someone sneezes, you state: "You’re so good lookin’."
When you’re struggling with something, start to say to yourself: "These pretzels are making me thirsty!"
You come across somebody, you greet them with: "Yo yo ma!"
What the heck are these lines anyway? Well, if you’re a big "Seinfeld" fan then you will recognize these quotes. If you want to annoy the entire office then all you have to do is constantly regurgitate these lines ad nauseum. They’ll never want to talk to you again.
12. When Telling a Long Joke or Story Forget the Punchline
You tell your colleague that you have this funny joke or story. It takes about three minutes to tell them, but by the time you reach the end of the yarn, you forget the punchline. Better yet, as you tell a long-winded story, stutter and stammer all over the place.
13. Use a Straw When Drinking Coffee
For whatever reason, you get chastized if you drink coffee with a straw. People will criticize you, make fun of you or question your decision to use a straw for your coffee. Well, translate this into the workplace if you want to get on the bad side of your colleagues.
14. Talk About Your Flip Phone
Nearly everybody has a smartphone these days - iPhone, Samsung, BlackBerry, Huawei and so on - but not you. No, you have a flip phone from a decade ago. You’re very proud of your flip phone. In fact, you’re so proud that you tell everyone about its features and you show them how it works.
There are many ways to annoy your team. Whether it’s because you can’t stand your co-workers or you are an annoying person anyway, people can get bothered by anything these days. It can be the smallest of things, like drinking coffee with a straw, or the big stuff, like singing 1930s show tunes. Whatever the case, you should test how long it’ll take before you get kicked out of the office. Let’s bet one hour!
If you dislike your co-workers, how do you go about annoying them? Let us know in the comments section below...