How to Deal With Cannibal Co-Workers


The corporate environment is a dog eat dog world. People are consumed by others to sustain and progress their own careers. Bosses throw their subordinates under the bus to save their own hides and the man/woman lowest on the totem pole usually has a perpetual fire under their ass. Can you survive this urban jungle? What does it take to out-maneuver those out to get you? Well, let me impart some sexy, salacious wisdom on you.

See Also: How to Be a Corporate Zombie

How to Dodge the People Eaters

Strategy 1

So Tom is out on the prowl again; he’s already taken a bite out of Nancy in corporate and is now making a b-line straight for you. What do you do? He’s upper management, the job market sucks and without this job you couldn’t make ends meet. I recommend using the artful dodge. Much like in Charles Dickens book where the Artful Dodger was a master pickpocket that took Oliver Twist under his wing, you too need a protégé. When a hungry upper management member veers down on you, not unlike the Artful Dodger, throw your protégé at them and make and artful escape.

Strategy 2

What if you’re the type of person that has no redeemable qualities, talents or societal value? It’s going to be pretty damn hard to find someone to look up to you, let alone want to see you as a role-model. Worry not you social pariah, there other was to get away from your man eating management. Have an exit strategy in every situation you might find yourself. Never confine yourself in a space that only has one exit, make sure that you wear tight fitting clothes (that are workplace appropriate though) to avoid being grabbed or being tangled in fake plastic plants and always have a decent excuse to leave the room. The more embarrassing your excuse the less people will question it, on the mild end of the spectrum you can go with something like: “I have a urinary tract infection and need to go to the restroom frequently” and on the more extreme side of things you can go for: “I ate at that burger place last night and have had explosive diarrhea all day.”  Then make your not so elegant exit.

Strategy 3

When the man-eaters are on the prowl, being low profile could keep you out of trouble. Camouflage works great at helping you blend into your surroundings but isn’t really office appropriate attire. Try the invisible man technic, where you paint yourself to blend impeccably into the background.  However, this does mandate that you must stay in one place the entire day, even when the prowlers are dangerously close, sniffing around for new victims. But, if you have the testicular fortitude to pull it off though you can cost through your workday without being eaten or more importantly interrupted!

Final Strategy

If you have no way out, are cornered or trapped in a mob don’t worry, by sacrificing some of your flesh you will be able to work another day. Let them take a little bite out of you for a distraction and then run as fast as your stumpy little legs will carry you. I know it will hurt and expose you to potential infection, but extreme times demand extreme measures.

Have you ever dealt with a cannibal co-worker before? How did you escape? Let us know in the comment section below.


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