So you are a designer/writer/self-proclaimed canine stylist. You’re good at what you do and you know it, but even so there are times when people might want to give you a bit of constructive criticism. Instead of taking it into consideration, you prefer to berate said critic and pelt dog berets at them. This is how to deal with criticism when you are a diva.
What is a Diva
To know how to act, you initially need to know what you are. A diva is a term borrowed from the opera, and means a celebrated female opera singer. In recent years, it has come to signify a talentless hack (no matter what gender) with family money that acts slightly less appropriate than a 2-year-old throwing a tantrum in the middle of a crowded supermarket. Great examples of modern day divas are: Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, Nicki Minaj, January Jones, and Katherine Heigl. To truly embody the diva, you must be notoriously difficult to work with, and have unending and exasperating demands.
How a diva acts
A diva never allows anyone to judge their work. Even if you are a male diva, the preferred tool to deal with criticism is a freshly moisturized open hand slap to the face. If the criticism is combined with unmet demands for Oreos that were held in a 24-year-old virgin’s cleavage for exactly three minutes, then you can use objects to inflict further damage. How dare they give you Oreos that were held for only 2.4 minutes? Grab a cellphone like Naomi Campbell, beat a few cops with your purse like Naomi Campbell, or hold your assistant hostage for a few hours like Naomi Campbell.
Make sure everyone knows who you are, even if you’re not relative anymore
The diva’s most used phrase is “Do you know how I am?” Usually, they won’t, so you must approach this gross indignation by raising your voice with the vitriolic proclamation “DO. YOU. HAVE. ANY. IDEA. WHO. I. AM?!!” Make sure you add the pauses between each point; a diva is always dramatic. But not unlike ex-star Amanda Bynes, make sure when you make your proclamation not to have any form of identification with you. Just mimic her response “Just freakin’ Google me” Yeah, I am absolutely sure that the huge terrifying TSA agent is going to happily oblige.
It doesn’t matter what socioeconomic class they are in, they are always below you.
What if they are a cop? Oh please, you snap those fingers above your head and tell them who you are. So what if you rammed your flaming Maserati into the second story of an orphanage for blind children?! You did those little buggers a favor, as they couldn’t be blessed with the sight of your divine visage. What a horrible life to lead. Or you could demand the star treatment in a burger place by cutting in line and asking your condiments be put on your burger because it is far below you to pinch open the packets yourself. Yeah, I’m looking at you Busta Rhymes, and while we’re on the subject of criticism. how ‘bout you make something a bit less crap. OH NO, HE’S COMING AT ME WITH AN ACTION FIGURE OF HIMSELF! RELAX, DUDE, AREN’T YOU THE ONE IN A MINIVAN COMMERCIAL?
After being beaten by a diva with copy of a diva, I think my argument has come full circle. Have you taken criticism like a diva before, or have you worked with a diva? Let us know in the comment section below.