Does Global Warming Mean the End of Fast Food?

give up one thing

Global warming is coming for your six patty high, 30.000 calorie, half-a-pig’s-worth-of-bacon burger. Global Warming doesn’t sound like hippie sh*t anymore does it? If you thought being environmentally conscientious was only the realm of leaf eating, beard-wearing liberals, you’d be wrong my bearded, heavily armed, meat-eating friend. Global warming is going to take every last succulent piece of bacon, beef and brisket with it, all while raising ocean levels dangerously. And that’s got to be the worst party trick in history.

What the Hell are you talking about?


I know that the intro sounded like the ramblings of a matted-haired lunatic with a cardboard sign that says, ‘THE END IS NIGH!!!’ There is a bit of logic to my lunacy though. Fast food chains are putting on a full court push to promote chicken instead of beef.  Why? Huge droughts in the cattle breading areas in the U.S. are resulting in diminished yield, and if you know anything about the basics of supply and demand, you know that high demand and low supply means higher product price.

Where’s the beef?

If my reference is way too dated for my younger viewers, please feel free to see the ad above. It’s of an old lady who frustratingly realizes that her beef is abscond (that’s missing, pick up a book once and a while). With an authoritative tone she demands: “Where’s the beef?” It’s funny because when the ad came out people misconstrued her request as a sexual innuendo, but I digress. Scientists say that if greenhouse gas production isn’t curtailed soon, the American Southwest (cow country for all you non-‘Mericans) will suffer a 35 year drought. You know the last time we had a mutli-year drought? Right before the great depression and it only lasted for eight years.

The dollar menu’s going to change…soon

According to Reuters’ Richard Adams, the increase in beef prices resulted in McDonalds losing money on each McDouble sold.  McDonald’s bottom line has been taking a hit for the past 11 years, so further profit losses could be detrimental. The financial ramifications extend well beyond that though. With the big three carb-peddlers (McDonalds, Burger King and KFC) being mega absorbers of raw ingredients, the chicken industry is gearing up, but this could result in overproduction and the catastrophic drop in prices, in most cases of already low wholesale prices.

So no more beef?


No, I didn’t say that, stop stock-piling 30 pound beef flanks for a second and listen. The cause of all of this is greenhouse gases. The stuff your 40 litre V8 pick-up truck spews out with gusto is going to make beef production difficult. It’s a pretty cruel fate you have their buddy, one of your favorite things causing another one of your favorite things to disappear. Next thing you’ll know there’ll be a G Man on your door-step asking for your military spec assault rifle.

What can I do to save my Big Mac


Relax, like I said this won’t stop beef production, just quell it for a while (35 years). Your Big Mac won’t become extinct it’ll just cost $15-$25 without fries and a drink. Wait, where are you going? To McDonalds to 50 pounds of Big Macs? Well at least you won’t have to refrigerate them, they last for years.  

How do you feel about fast food thieving Global Warming, is it working with a liberal agenda? Let me know in the comment section below.