Of course they do, are you slow or something? I mean, it’s a well-accepted fact that news channels are usually leaned on heavily by politicians and parties that they lobby, promoting certain questionable views that promote an unseen agenda. I mean, Fox News has become such a popular running joke that the words “bias” and “Fox News” will eventually be colloquially interchangeable. But slinging mud (like Fox News does) isn’t as much fun as watching them fall face first into a faux pas mud pile themselves.
Here are some news stories that were complete bullshit.
See Also: 6 Mysteries That Were Complete Hoaxes
1. Fox News: The Paranoid Maker
If you’re unfamiliar with my play on words there, it’s from a really bizarre European version of Mentos that come in a mint-flavored variation. This candy and assault on the senses comes with an equally senses-assaulting commercial (check it out here).
I digress, though. Fox basically took peaceful yet disgruntled protesters (which is normal. If they weren’t disgruntled, they wouldn’t be protesting. You’ll only see someone protesting about being slightly peeved in Canada probably) chanting “We won’t stop, we can’t stop till killer cops are in cell blocks!” Fox, however, reported that the protesters were actually chanting “We won’t stop, we can’t stop, so kill a cop!” (which isn’t even grammatically logical) and then continued by associating the edited chant with the killing of two New York City police officers – even though the protest was in Washington DC. Just to give you an idea how far DC is from NYC, you could take the United States’ fastest train, which travels at a face-smooshing speed of 150 miles per hour, and it would still take you up to three hours to travel between the two cities.
And yet Fox thought it was close enough that it could tie two policemen’s deaths with a peaceful protest in the nation’s capital. Here’s a video comparing Fox News’ bogus report with the genuine, non-edited C-SPAN report:
2. Taste the Rainbow
OK, so once and a while, the media latches onto complete fiction and creates such a typhoon of paranoid parents that you couldn’t throw rice out of your window without hitting a panicking soccer mom. One of the most hilarious moral panics was that of the rainbow party (and relax, you are going to regret understanding what that means in a second). Basically, a group of teenage girls don lipstick of different shades and then:
- Perform oral sex on different boys. The winner would be the girl whose lipstick was furthest from the, um, well, tip.
- Likewise, the boy who won would be the one with the most shades of lipstick on his, um, his – OK, his penis! Jeez, it’s so hard to keep these articles clean for you Hear-No-Evil Nevilles.
Anyway, if you want to hear the hilarity of a bunch of soccer moms freaking out over something that was written in a fictional book, have at it – it’s actually surprisingly lackluster considering they’re freaking out about their daughters engaging in serial fellatio in middle school.
3. Butt Chugging
I’m sorry, these moral panics are just too ridiculous and fun that I have to share them. The next pearl of misinformation is butt chugging. Allow me to explain: basically, you take a tampon, soak it in hard liquor, and insert it into either your vagina or your rectum to get a nice buzz. That is if you like it accompanied by the burning, hellish sting from you undercarriage.
As contributing editor for the Huffington Post Danielle Crittenden Frum can contest to, after trying it out herself and writing about her experience here, if you want to get to the nitty-gritty insertions and stuff, just scroll down to about the middle of the article. The experience seems so unpleasant that I would almost bet a parent started this rumor so one kid would try it and report back to the rest of the kids that it was like holding a glowing piece of coal in your butt cheeks (but a bit deeper; have to respect the Hear-No-Evil Nevilles).
Just because I included a video with everything else, here are some people talking about the horrifying trend. Also, it would help if your “expert” wasn’t so annoying that you would want to punch him in the face. Also, I’d like to think that if a doctor sees an intoxicated person, they’ll know what to do.
4. The British Medical Journal Egg-Not
Because if you’re going to make up a story, make it big – as in Santa’s jiggling belly big. An article the BMJ (that’s the British Medical Journal, and I just made my abbreviation superfluous by explaining it) published blamed jolly Saint Nick and his ample girth on influencing children to overindulge on Christmas cookies and nonalcoholic eggnog. But before the BMJ could be all smug and British by saying “Cheerio, my good man! Gotcha! Hazzah!” not one but three “respected” news outlets grabbed it up and ran with it. Although kids love Santa Claus, I doubt they would see a fat man in a ridiculous red suit as a role model… they just like all the stuff he brings them.
5. Flying Fox
So we all like a good news story that presents government agencies squandering taxpayers’ money, and the Fox News Network loves people that jump on the most ridiculous of bandwagons to pad their viewership.
In 2010, a Fox morning show reported that the Los Angeles Police Department was considering purchasing a large number of the world’s first commercially available jetpacks for a conservative sum of $100,000 a pop. Even if they didn’t consider the fact that this is the same police station that last year had to depend on private donations to purchase just $1.5 million worth of body cameras for its force. Maybe you can argue that, back in 2010, the LAPD had more funds than what it had in 2008, especially considering it was just two years after the financial crisis and had received such a significant budget cut that it was forced to disband its counter-terrorism taskforce. Oh, and I found all that information via Google, not even using the resources and news conduits Fox must have available to them.
The absurdity of the report doesn’t end there, however. The news agency went as far as claiming the force was interested in buying 10,000 units which would come to the tune of $1 billion. The story was eventually recanted but I’m sure there was one ignorant boob out in Hollywood waving his fists in the air, looking skyward and yelling “Flying cops are an invasion of privacy! I will shoot them out of the sky if they fly over my property!” to which he was promptly tazed, beaten and arrested… because it is Los Angeles, after all. Oh, PS: here’s a video of the jetpack in question with dreamy space spa music, because it’s too cool not to share:
Do you know of any other amusing fake news stories? Let me know in the comments section below!