Insane Career Paths: Doomsday Prepper

The world is crumbling around us, perpetual wars, refugees, huge losses of human life. If you’re a little on the paranoid side (or see how you can capitalize on the paranoia of others) then you can correlate these events as precursors for the end of days. Are we in the throes of the apocalypse? I mean the environment is imploding on itself, we are running out resources at a pace that will result in food running out in the near future…actually we might be pretty close to the end…But before I go full blown manic street preacher, let’s see if you can make a perfectly insane living today, pre-apocalypse™ (post-apocalypse was taken) by being (or catering to) a completely insane doomsday prepper.

See Also: Insane Career Paths: The Way of the Ninja

A name by any other insanity

The term preppers really means survivalist. But because survivalist conjures images of a bearded disheveled Hill-Billy with a shotgun, most non-disheveled (but still) Hill-Billies with a shotgun prefer the term prepper. OK, so we have come to the point in time where we have to be politically correct towards paranoid food hoarders/gun nuts? Maybe we’re closer to the end than I thought.

Cashing in on The (eradiated) Conspiracy and Paranoia

I would like to introduce you to the airwave freak-show known as Alex Jones, don’t believe me, look at the video, and I genuinely hope crazy doesn’t rub off. Self-proclaimed conspiracy theorist and government skeptic (when the President is a Democrat) Mr. Jones has a multi-million dollar suite of media channels and online prep/survivalist stores. He has even branched out into firearms for paranoid rednecks, embossed with a stylized Spartan helmet and the acronym Molvn Labe which he translates to “come take our guns”.

Because that’s exactly what the world needs, fired up, armed rednecks with a stamped rifle they believe says: “Come take my gun”. It actually means a much more redneck appropriate “Come and Get it”…or “Come and GITTIT”.  Although he claims to be an idealistic uber patriot anti-establishment, anti-big-money, anti-government activist he has no problem making a buck off his conspiracy theorist brethren. Actually not just one buck, but 5 million of them, in the same way, the establishment, government and big money does.

His shop offers all sorts of unproven snake oil including anti-radiation pills, testosterone boosting drops, supplements for anything that a foil hat can prevent (i.e. microwaves, mind control beams, carcinogenic electromagnetic waves etc.). It’s not all smoke and supplement mirrors, though. This guy is crazy like a fox (well a fox that is suffering from mad hatter’s disease) so he sells everything a person expecting impending doom and societal collapse might expect. The store includes the aforementioned agro logoed firearms, a ready packaged 4 week supply of food (which includes chocolate pudding Cosby would approve), seed banks so you can replant the scorched earth and special pouches for your tablet and phone that blocks RF signals, tracking and keeps your personal information safe! A great accessory for any aspiring domestic terrorist!

The strawberry industry is funding Al Qaeda!!!

If that confused you I apologize, it was said while I was writing the article, and I just had to wedge it in there, thank you for participating.

Cashing in on (not) being eradiated

On second thought the not part didn’t need parenthesis, but it fits with the motif so we’ll just go with it. So, another niche market of the impending-doomists™ (I think I just made my own moniker for the crazies!) is a variety of bunkers that can be buried deep in the ground to protect you, your family and your harem of lady-survivors that you will use to repopulate the earth (“we’re not f*cking honey, we’re procreating!” you can use that freely after the apocalypse if you want, I’ll allow it).  

I found a total of four companies offering various products after I lost complete and utter faith in society. The first company Rising S Company seems to be the Rolls-Royce of the bunch. It offers a reasonably priced 4.2 million dollar shelter, with amenities that include: water storage tanks (that gather water from an underground reservoir), solar powered LED lighting, a motor cave that leads into what looks like a three car garage but could easily be a six or seven car garage, a grow room, three (two bedroom/two bath and toilet) living quarters, blast doors, air filtration system and fully equipped gourmet kitchen. It is a 8.000 square foot behemoth (which is about the size of the average Hollywood villa) that is ready sit and rot in a 4.2 million dollar hole like the ones they built in the 50s!

The other companies also have high-dollar offerings, that protect against this calamity and that catastrophe, but the company Vivos puts you through an application process to able to buy a unit. So in essence they want to have a hand in restructuring the post-apocalyptic society. Oh, that’s another thing about Vivos it actually offers units in a larger colony per se. The price per adult (again if you have the necessary set of skills that will help the colony as a whole survive) is $35.000 and per child a lean mean $25.000. That amount guarantees being locked up underground with 80 strangers in Indiana (of all places…its sucks and I grew up there) and over 500 strangers if you’re from Europe, and you know how much Europeans love stinky cheese and dislike deodorant. You’ll need a hazmat suit when you’re inside the freakin’ shelter.

Cashing in Fat (eradiated) Cows

So the NRA already has some very “motivated” lobbyists in Washington, pushing their pro-gun agenda, but much like any true-blue capitalist, the NRA now also has a survival e-shop. It offers the usual fair with long lasting food in dark military-esque containers, all sorts of knives, tactical pens (those are pens that you can write with AND inflict serious bodily damage on an assailant), machetes (now in desert tan AND tactical black!!!) but the most intriguing item was the highly suggestive NRA survival tube.

Sure I might seem juvenile for associating the word “tube” with the male anatomy, but so be it. My favorite item was the epically vikingly named: NRA battle axe, which is shown with a hilarious ghost trail, indicating its moving, much like you would see a toy advertised in a catalogue with a cartoon star in the corner emblazoned with “NOW WITH KUNG FU ACTION”.

So, yeah…that’s my article about doomsday preppers, if you’re not at a loss for words due to the randomness of this article, feel free to leave a comment in the section below.