Insane Careers: How to Become a Messiah

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So you think you’re the Son of God…look I’m just a content writer I’m not judging. But even a God on earth needs a source of income, those strap leather sandals and tunics aren’t cheap. So what do you do? Well, you’ve come to the right (insane) place my friend. Oh, I’m sorry, I mean my exonerated and holiest of the holy friend. So this is how to become a Messiah (and make some money too!)

See Also: Insane Career Paths: Doomsday Prepper

Start a Cult

I mean you are the offspring of a divine being right? Why not tell other people of your glory, via small incremental payments? Like this poor man’s Russell Brand (which also ironically has a messiah complex) named Alan John Miller that claims to be none other than Jesus H. Christ himself. He has even found a reincarnation of Mary Magdalene to back up his story. Mary even has a blog! Welcome to the 21st century Mary. Because I can’t even make this up, this is a direct quote from the website:

Just a little over 2000 years ago, we arrived on the earth for the first time. My name then was Yeshua ben Yosef, or the Jesus of the Bible, the son of Joseph and Mary. Mary’s name then was Mary of Magdala, the woman identified in the Bible as Mary Magdalene. Mary was my wife then, and the first person I appeared to after I was crucified.

So this is the first step, but you have got to admit this man’s business plan doesn’t exactly have longevity. I mean you do know what happens when Jesus comes from heaven for his second earthly house call right? Oh, come on! This would be so much easier if you were a biblical scholar. Basically, if you are Christian, specifically Catholic or Orthodox, you believe that Christ will return with certain signs…small things really like the dead rising and a multi-eyed, multi-horned lamb running rampant. Subtle events yes, but things that would most definitely tip us off that Christ 2.0 is visiting.

So, taking those subtle signs (or lack thereof in our case) I was talking about into consideration: Ozzie Jesus is either: the Antichrist or a charlatan. Having a crappy business plan doesn’t mean that your can’t make money though because if you think that Australian Jesus isn’t grossly capitalizing from the whole “I’m God’s Son” routine, then you might be surprised to find out that his Church of the Divine Truth is actually registered as a for profit privately owned company. It sells books and has a global distribution network…let’s hope paying taxes is part of God’s work.

Just Claim You’re Both

Take a lesson from the founder and leader of the Creciendo en Gracia sect and claim that you are not only the reincarnation of Jesus (now with Kung Fu action!), but you are also the Anti-Christ, as this will allow you to diversify your target audience! So apparently for this to happen, you must be visited by two angels and be able to interpret the Bible in any way that is convenient for your purposes. Which is to make money….I mean spread the word of God, via the Earthly representative which is you. Now, all you have to do is to take advantage of desperate people….I mean spread the word of God. Like the lady in this video, who looks more like a newscaster than a reincarnation of Christ.


To the North!

Russia is an expansive country with lots of natural resources and home to the most convincing Christ cosplayer in the world! Just look at that picture…Jeezus…hahhahahahha I made a joke….Anyway, Vissarion (as he is known by his followers) and his Church of The Last Testament, has over 50,000 followers. In fact, The Church of The Last Testament is thought to be one of the biggest cults in the world.   Honestly, I’m surprised Hollywood hasn’t made this into a movie yet. Vissarion and his followers live in a 2.5 square kilometer expanse of villages, where meat, smoking and drinking are forbidden, but the followers are encouraged to boink and create offspring profusely. After all, why try to convert new believers when you can make them and indoctrinate them before they know any better!

Of all the opportunists on this list though I have to give it to Jesus-Lookalike Vissarion because at least he’s a bit of an ecologist. On the other hand, he doesn’t really like outsiders, so you have that whole racial homogeny thing working against him. Which let’s be honest folks isn’t exactly Godly.

Promised Everyone an Fast Ascent into Heaven

Marshall Applewhite was a peculiar man, and so were the 38 people that followed him to an early grave. Why did they all commit suicide you ask? Well, it’s perfectly logical! They thought that Haley’s comet was a low-flying spaceship and that it would allow them to ascend to heaven when they died, by committing mass suicide. Because that makes sense right? Who hasn’t heard about comets that are spaceships that can help you ascend to heaven through mass suicide? Anyone? I’m the only one? Man, I knew that track suit wearing bastard was lying to me…

The Jonestown Model

Actually I’m not even going to make light of this mass tragedy, other than the fact that it was probably Kool-Aids worst marketing ploy to date. The now infamous Jim Jones’ mass suicide pact that led to the deaths of 914 people was preceded by the murder of 4 other people. The 4 people that were murdered including Congressman Leo Ryan had tried to stop the so-called mass suicide, but was, in fact, more of a mass murder. Jones coerced members into drinking a cyanide-laced fruit drink and those that refused to drink it were forced to by other members. The final death toll was 914 people, of which only 638 were adults.

During the tumultuous 60’s and 70’s Jones preached about equality and socialism. Eventually, he bought property in Guyana and built a commune non-megalomaniacally named Jonestown. Jonestown inhabitants were completely cut off from the outside world, without access to telephones, television or newspapers. As a result of years of amphetamine abuse Jim Jones had become extremely paranoid and was sure that members were attempting to escape from the community. Even though he had run the commune like an insane dictator, with numerous reports of sexual, physical and emotional abuse performed on members that attempted to escape or leave the “Temple”, he convinced everyone that it was for the greater good. Eventually, the combination of drug abuse and paranoia made him snap. The results of his mental decay will haunt history for many decades. 

See Also: Insane Career Paths: Is Exorcism Really a Job?

Would you like to add anything I might have missed? Let us know in the comment section below.