Making It (By Faking It)

When people ask you what you do for a living, your response is always a Barney Stinsonesque “Puuleez” because you don’t even know. The one thing that’s for sure is that you look like a boss while doing it. Every day you wear a sharp suit, Italian wing-tips that would make Yves Saint Laurent jealous, and put your all too big I’m-not-compensating-for-anything-car in the executive parking spot right outside the building. You’ve glided through life on your charm and charisma but you want to go even higher, and here’s a few ways you can.

Never talk yourself up, pay others to do it

Self-promotion is never cool, it’s lowly pitiful and sad. When other people talk you up though it creates a persona, a myth, and the greatest part about it? You don’t even have to live up to the expectation, because most people will probably never meet you. They’ll just know the legend. Once you get a little inertia going you won’t even have to, well let’s say grease the gears. People will talk about you just so they can say they know the legend which is you.

Be a networking powerhouse and keep it tight

There’s a colloquial saying that goes: “Money likes Money”. Make sure that you look like you come from money, for example, if you don’t know which fork and spoon to use and a fancy dinner, never eat when you’re out. Use the duality of status and money to your advantage. If a lowly person never ate out he/she would be weird and suspicious. Someone that’s rich and successful though? He is an interesting elusive eccentric. On that note, if anyone asks who you associate with tell them they are too powerful and you respect their privacy.

Never use specifics

That’s what distinguishes you as a person of status, people lower in the pecking order know their place and their responsibilities. You on the other hand do so many things that you can’t keep track because that’s what ambitious people do, or at least what they say they do. If anyone asks you, you do everything. Sales? Check. Marketing? Check. Design? Check. You can’t seem incompetent, so anything you’re asked is definitely in your significantly large-still-not-trying-to-compensate-for-anything wheelhouse. If you find something you can’t do, don’t worry, there’s bound to be a kiss-up or lackey out there that will do it for you. Then you can proudly smear your name all over someone else’s work. Speaking of kiss-ups…

Use kiss-ups to do everything for you

From bottomless espressos to taking your suits to the cleaner’s, kiss-ups will do anything just to bask a little in your high-status-infused glow. Don’t be afraid to rough them up a bit too, they’ll never say anything to risk the possibility that you’ll pull them up with you as you progress. Also the more subordinates you have around you the more important you’ll seem. To see if a kiss-up is up to the task? Take off your shoes and put them on your desk, if they take a jumping leap to give you a foot massage then you’ve got yourself a keeper.

The bigger the better

When they say living large that isn’t exactly a euphemism; everything in the upper crust of society is huge. Houses, cars, parties and investment portfolios are all Mike Tyson in his prime big. If you want to fake it to the top, you’ve got to supersize.

Are you living large? Have you faked it to make it? If you have any other pointers for your faker brethren let us know in the comments below. Then you’ll be able to add published writer to your list of achievements.