Hello, poor people. My name is Mr. Juan Percenter, and I’m sorry for your destitution but it is not my fault – I am both rich and powerful. Know that with vast empires – with stacks of cash and international real estate holdings – come more problems and responsibilities. Like the Biggie Smalls song goes: “Call me Big Poppa”. No, wait, that’s not it… we just did this in Hip-Hop 101 at Ithaca… Oh, right, “Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems”.
So as your financial gains grow exponentially, so do your problems. Why, you ask? Well, it’s below me to tell you, so let me turn it over to this lowly article writer.
[Awkwardly picking at string coming from shirt:] Oh, hi! So, I see you’ve all met Mr. Juan Percenter. He’s a pretty big tool, huh? Yeah, I know. I’m paid to hang out with him all day until he wants me to talk to the “99%” on his behalf so he doesn’t besmirch his aura with what he calls commoner aura. What a douche. Anyway, so he told me to let you know why it sucks to have money and prestige, and I’ve got to get paid, so I’m sorry but I’m sure you understand.
Money Brings Solicitors
See, each income bracket has its own type of solicitors. Poor people get pestered by insurance salesmen and travelling salesmen (sorry, Mr. Juan Percenter told me to put that in… he hasn’t been exposed to real society since the 1950s, as I’m sure you can tell). Higher income individuals, meanwhile, get harassed by people that want to tell them about the newest and most exciting investment opportunity, and filthy, stinking rich people are constantly badgered by governments and dictators to lend them money.
Sure, you have a trillion dollars and a uranium mine, but that doesn’t mean you can just give your money and uranium away to irresponsible governments… they’re the worst! They’ll incur tons of interest and then end up declaring bankruptcy or war on a different country, make of mess of things, and just leave it like that! Then you have to go and give the other government money to rebuild… oh, you know what? You’re so poor and stupid, you would never understand (again, I’m sorry. He told me to add that, even though I told him that it was a bad idea, like, six times. But he threatened he would fire me, so there it is).
So Much Champagne, So Little Time
Do you know what it feels like to sit on a $3,000 bottle of champagne? NO! Not in a sexual way – has poverty shrunk your brain? As in having a bottle of relatively expensive champagne and not drinking it; that’s what I meant by “to sit on”. Yuck, disgusting peasant with your disgusting sexual urges.
Well, anyway, it’s torturous to know that you have a bottle of Krug Clos d’Ambonnay champagne, just waiting to be opened but not having the appropriate company to enjoy it with. When I say appropriate company, I mean people with a palette well-versed in the finer things – not people that have been nurtured with the $500 swill that has the audacity to be called champagne. How will you appreciate the subtle notes and the perfect marriage of the caviar if you ruin your taste buds with the acidic slosh that you call sparkling wine? [Scoff]
How do you think I got so much money? By sitting on my expanding posterior like you? No… my expanding rear is a result of multiple portions of only the best foie gras, $1,750 meat pies filled with Wagyu beef, and black truffles cooked in a 1982 Château Mouton Rothschild wine sauce. Of course those meals are all shared with only the fattest of fat cats because every meal is a networking opportunity. Eating in the world’s finest food establishments can be exhausting business; the rich, decadent Wagyu beef is impossible to digest but you have to make sacrifices to sustain your fortune.
Lobbying Is a Pain
Sometimes the wine and dining must be forcibly lower brow, especially when dealing with politicians. Sure you need them to support bills and laws that will help you accrue even more money, but a 10-day excursion to the Maldives is so exhaustingly working class. I mean, lawyers, doctors and politicians vacation there – you might as well be camping in the gutter. Then, on top of everything, you have to go to restaurants with second-tier chefs that offer measly $200-per-head menus. These slobs would be impressed with a 1995 Château Margaux Bordeaux! But you need to oil the squeaky wheel they say; just oil it with truffle oil.
It’s Hard to Find Good Help
You already find it hard to find one decent personal assistant, what makes you think that finding an entire legion of people to cook for you, clean for you, drive you, fly you, and manage your investments is going to be easy? It’s practically a full-time job, finding the person that is going to hire them for you, especially if you are as persnickety as me. Yes, I used the word “persnickety”, because how else would you know about my astounding pedigree? Only years of preparatory schools and associating with extremely wealthy white people can linguistically train someone to use words such as persnickety.
Poor people tend to horde very cheap things they think are extremely valuable, things like wedding photos, childhood photo albums, and their computers (that they persistently say “their life is on them!” I have stolen one such laptop and found no life on it whatsoever, thus this is still perplexing to me).
Now, imagine someone like me who has millions of dollars in cash sitting around; do you know how much room a million dollars takes up? Well, in hundreds, it can cover the entire top of a 14th century armoire. I need that space to put my 15th century Ming vases on. Notice that I said “vases”; yes, plural.
I see that you are hungrily looking at me, but forget about trying to rob me. I’m not that stupid, otherwise I’d never be rich! My house is a proverbial fortress with electrified fencing, a booby-trapped front entrance, and a private army. I’ll even email you the address – should be fun to test out all of my deadly security measures on an eager volunteer.
See Also: 7 Deadly Sins of the Rich
Can you think of any other horrible human beings that are stinking rich and think it’s the most horrible thing in the world? Well, let me know in the comments section below!