Ok, so let’s get the most obvious out of the way like fats, sugars and chemical preservatives. Sure those chemical compounds can kill and infirm you, but it takes a very long time, and honestly I’m very impatient. Instead, let’s take a look at some organic ingredients that have great health benefits, but at the same time have enough poison to make the witch from snow white envious.
I should point out at this point that while poison can kill or do serious harm to you, it can also make you trip balls. But while tripping you could be bleeding from your lower intestine and folded over from stomach cramps. Which is kind of a high price to pay to see pretty colors. So, please don’t ever take poison to trip balls. It most certainly will not be a good time. On that note, let’s take a look at some natural ingredients that contain poison.
This is not only the national fruit of Jamaica but the second component in the country’s national dish: Ackee and Saltfish. It also has the potential to poison you. If the ackee fruit is unripe when harvested it can give someone what is called Jamaican Vomiting Sickness, and you know something happens a lot when they have a name for it and even an ER episode dedicated to it. Basically what the poison does is it prevents the body from producing glucose, resulting in hypoglycemia initially and then seizures, dehydration, death or a coma.
I put death second to last because I feel like it gets enough negative publicity as it is. Although deadly it also happens to be Jamaica’s biggest export and the ackee industry is estimated to make around 400 million dollars. Don’t worry though not all ackee is poisonous just the unripe fruit. Still about 23 died in 2014 from eating ackee the fruit.
Rhubarb has been used for millennia by humans. The earliest use of the plant was as a cure for constipation and stomach irritation. But eating it can also carry many benefits: it’s packed with vitamins C, K, A, B and a myriad of antioxidants such as riboflavin. It’s also lethal [dum, dum, duuuuuum]. The only part of the plant that is safe for human consumption is the deep red stalk. If you get curious though and make a rhubarb leaf salad, you could have difficulty breathing, diarrhea, seizures, fall into a coma or even get KIDNEY STONES!!
This isn’t some Romeo and Juliet stuff folks; this will make you pee blood from the inside. That is if you actually retain the ability to pee at all, because an extreme case of rhubarb poisoning can result in kidney failure. I will never look innocently at a rhubarb pie again…I will assume they are all out to kill me in horrible, painful ways.
Yes, the raw form of tapioca, the cassava root, if not properly prepared can result in a horrible death that involves bleeding from your eyes. Actually that’s not true, it just kind of seems like the motif here. In reality, the toxic compound in cassava converts to cyanide when it enters the body and kills you silently like a ninja via cardiac arrest.
No violent vomiting or prolonged urinal bleeding, just darkness. Wow ok, that went down a corridor I wasn’t expecting. Anyhow, the cassava plant is packed full of starch, protein, minerals and vitamins. In fact, it has so much starch that it’s a staple amongst poorer communities.
Bean there DON’T EAT THAT
Castor Oil has been used for hundreds of years to calm irritated stomachs and color various foods and candies. But, just one castor bean contains enough poison to kill a child. The scariest thing about ricin (which is the poison found in Castor beans) is the fact that it doesn’t immediately kill you. It could take a week of fast heart rates, low blood pressure and seizures, which are common symptoms of other illness as innocuous as the flu.
Also, there is no antidote for ricin poisoning. So, the only way to treat it is to pump the poisoned person’s stomach in the hope that you get as much of the toxin out as possible. As you can imagine this would be hard to do if the doctor thought it was just the flu. How can a small little bean be so terrifying!
Fugu The Crazy Choice!
Let’s play a game: what cost $200 and can kill you by trapping you in your body while you suffocate. Oh, and you also stay conscious for the entire thing? I know it’s a hard one. Give up? Its tetrodotoxin and it can be found in the skin, liver, intestines and ovaries of the puffer fish, or fugu. If you have a death wish and an adventurous palate, then you can try this Japanese delicacy that only certified chefs that have undergone 3-4 years of intensive training can serve.
However, if you choose to cut costs and try some back alley fugu, your nervous system will slowly shut down, eventually turning off your vital organs one by one until you suffocate. Just like the horrifying food stuff above, tetrodotoxin also has no antidote…On the upside, it has been used in voluntary poisonings for centuries. Sorry, not really an upside that was my horrible attempt at lightening the mood.
The Stone Cold Truth
Almost everyone loves cherries right? They’re sweet, shiny, red and spherical, and that usually meets at least two food requirements for most people. I’m about to ruin yet another food for you, though, just because I’m that special type of a$$hole. Just two cherry pits or “stones” as they are also known have enough cynide to kill a full grown adult…how are them apples (whose seeds also contain cyanide)…uhm….I mean cherries?
Don’t worry, though, you can pass the stones without dying if you accidently swallow them as long as you don’t break the pit. That’s another two pies that you can add to the list of "Pastries Out to Kill Me". That list might get a little bit longer if I tell about you peaches, apricots, plums and even pears.
So you might not know what fiddleheads are, I sure as hell didn’t until I started writing this article. Apparently Fiddleheads are the tender spiraled tendrils of the Ostrich Fern that sprouts during the spring. The terrifying thing about these buggers is the fact that authorities in the northern United States and Canada know that they cause foodborne illness (or food poisoning), but don’t know why…such a scary conclusion to an otherwise horrifying article.
You know what just eat celery…that should be ok right? Otherwise, let us know in the comment section below if there are any other foods you know are poisonous.