It’s admirable that you followed your calling, but as you know being an ardent practitioner of the Clowning Arts can lead to a life filled with obstacles, prejudice and floppy shoes. It’s not a life everyone can lead (purely due to the fact that most people are genuinely horrified by clowns). On top of the inherent terror that you inflict and the lasting childhood trauma you create you also have to struggle with the realities of the profession. Here are some struggles at work only clowns will understand.
Getting Punched in the Nuts/Hoohah
Occupational hazards can vary greatly from the mundane such as a paper cut to the life ending such as being run over by a cement truck or falling to your death from a skyscraper under construction (I apologize I have had many construction industry related nightmares). When you’re a clown though an annoyance can quickly escalate to serious personal injury. As per the main responsibility of a clown that is keeping kids entertained you will be unequivocally exposed to the aforementioned children.
The thing is that sticky fingered sugared up demon spawn have this weird tendency to want to hit clowns in their external reproductive organs. They won’t do it to any other adult (maybe their father occasionally) or another child. But donning white face paint, a polka-dotted jumpsuit, and stupidly large shoes will almost guarantee you a shot in the crotch. Male or female you are going to get a munchkin sized sugar-rage clenched fist right in the seat.
People love hating clowns. They mock them, parody them and all they want is to make you smile…and occasionally kill you for nailing their floppy shoe to the floor, but mainly they want to make you smile. WHY IS THERE SO MUCH HATE FOR CLOWNS???!!! Oh.
Find Clothes is a Bitch
Normal professionals can go to any run of the mill shop, clothing outlet or shady car parked in an alleyway. Oh, sorry just thinking about a few things I had to do after work, to get work appropriate clothes. You Mr. Bobo have to either travel far away to a specialty shop or have a tailor mock you for half an hour until you finally convince him that you really do want a pair of baggy polka dot pants and then tolerate another half hour of laughter as he takes your measurements.
Let’s not even get started on the wig situation, because no matter how wig-shop heavy your city is it’s almost impossible to find a bright red, purple or green wig. Oh, you can? God bless those weird little emo kids and their grape smuggler pants.
You Walk Funny
No not as part of a shtick or routine, but because after years and years of wearing un-orthopedic novelty shoes, your knees, back and neck have been kinked to no return. Also all those voluntary and involuntary spills probably did quite a number on you. Let’s not even get into the miniscule cramped size of those infernal clown cars. I’m surprised you can still stand.
A Clown’s life is a lonely one
Most people can overlook someone’s profession if they like them and there are few jobs that would be a complete deterrent. But you my unlucky friend have one of those few jobs that send potential mates screaming in the opposite direction, just remember it’s not you…or them…it’s your creepy ass face paint.
Are there any clowns out there, let me know of any other trials, tribulations or pain in clown butt you have to deal with.