The 6 Stages of Unemployment

Up in the Air

Being a contributing member of society feels good and, more importantly, gives you the privilege of angrily yelling “I’M A GODDAMN TAXPAYER!!!” while being tasered by the police (which happens more often than you might think).

Unfortunately, though, the days of you going to work and spending your time designing a solar death ray instead of compiling the monthly expense report have finally caught up with you. Your boss is pissed, and he’s asked you to pack your things and hit the unemployment line. But you’ll show him when you melt his precious BMW with your prototype solar death ray that he knows you’ve been working on… Well, that’s one of the stages – here are five other stages of unemployment.

See Also: The Reason You Were Fired

1. Keeping Going to Work (Denial)

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I understand, you got a pink slip left on your desk last month after being sat down multiple times and told that working on solar death rays and not doing what you were actually hired for would result in termination. Oh, and there was that letter from the company’s lawyers informing you that your contract was dissolved but you were never once explicitly told that you were being let go, so you kept waking up, going to the office, and working on your death ray – what else would you do? Stay at home? Of course not! You don’t even have a computer or an internet connection at home – how do they expect you to develop your weapon? Sure you haven’t received a single paycheck in the last three months but it’s most likely because there’s been a mix-up in accounting. You’ll ask them to clarify once you finish your project.

2. You Will Get Your Vengeance (Anger)

Yes, vengeance is a plate best served cold – err, sure, gazpacho is too but I can’t see how that’s relative to this article. Oh, you just wanted to express your love of cold soup. Fair enough, I guess.

During the initial stage of joblessness you will inevitably become angry, mostly with others, seeing as nothing you have botched in the past had anything to do with you - according to you, at least. You had been a model employee, if model employees worked on their own projects while they were on payroll. You worked hard, dammit! Sure, it was on things completely unrelated to your on-the-job responsibilities, but as the idiom goes: hard work is always rewarded.

But you were rewarded with a boot to the ass and out the door along with a restraining order. How dare they serve you with a restraining order? So what if you kind of vowed it your life’s mission to destroy not only your boss’s life but that of his children and his children’s children? He took your job; he should have foreseen the repercussions of his cowardly act.

OK, there was also that thing about parking outside his office window and spending three hours a day threateningly waving your fist at him in the weeks following your termination… but you didn’t actually threaten him. Well, not after the destroying his life thing.

3. Just Give Me a Second Chance! (Bargaining)

You now realize that your termination might have been motivated by your boss’ envy of your natural talent, beauty, and genius. Maybe if you talk to him and tell him you are completely open to the idea of acting a bit dumber and wearing frumpier clothes (although you will gravely miss your crotch-hugging skinny jeans) if he would reconsider firing you.

It could also be that you were working too hard which intimidated him and the people working with you… yeah, that’s probably it. So buck up, and go and accept that well-deserved apology, and get back to working on your solar death ray on the company’s money. Sometimes you just have to accept that people make horrible decisions, like your boss’ decision in letting you go.

4. Why Me? (Depression)

Aw, stop crying… I know how hard it can be not working on your death ray because you were laid off. I know that it’s hard to lie during interviews when you’re asked why you left your last job and responding: “Due to death ray related disagreements”.

It’s hard, but what if I told you it gets better? I see… You wouldn’t actually say anything but continue to hold both your middle fingers in the air while tears and snot run down your face… Not the reaction I was expecting, really.

5. Unemployment Check (Acceptance)

This is the penultimate stage of unemployment. You will receive a check for the money you used to pay when you were employed. This stage usually coincides with the realization that, without a job, you don’t have to wear clothes or go out in public or stay sober on a Monday morning.

Sure, you might have to change your lifestyle a bit (the unemployment checks are a bit smaller than your paychecks), but you can get just as drunk on cooking brandy as you can on fancy-shmancy dollar-store boxed wine that has the French lady holding her boobies on it… which, by the way, are just bunches of grapes. What do think boobies look like? Oh yeah! The height she’s holding them at is a little iffy.

You’ll be able to heavily cut corners when it comes to personal hygiene anyway, because you won’t have to shower as often since you won’t be going out in public, which will save you money on water bills, soap, shampoo, and loofas. As a rule of thumb, however, you might want to take a bath if your cats start nibbling on your toes to see if you’re still alive.

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job search

6. Total Acceptance

Sure, you’re awesome in every way, and that is both awe-inspiring and intimidating. Nobody is going to say that to your face though; that’s why they keep telling you they’re not interested in you due to your extensive criminal record, and your lack of qualifications and credentials.

The only thing they will admit to, however, is that you kind of frighten them. Yes, awesomeness of your caliber is always a little frightening. You have had hundreds of interviews for CEO positions and yet they have all rejected you because they wouldn’t be able to handle your greatness on a daily basis. So you have accepted that you will never hold a traditional job again, which is fine because you have found that if you sit out on the side walk with a small bowl in front of you, people will give you money just for the privilege of walking past you and fleetingly bask in your glow. Those poor, hapless souls.

Is there another stage of unemployment that I might have missed? Please let me know in the comments section below!