We’re running out of fossil fuels, we’re making the hole in the ozone layer bigger, we are poisoning the sea. Wah, wah, waaaaah. Are you tired of dreadlocked hippies making you feel guilty about driving your twin engine EXESV SUV that needs a fresh tank of fuel every time you drive to the corner store that’s two minutes away? Are you tired of your smug hybrid driving neighbor giving you the stink eye every time you start your EXESV SUV and the plume of black diesel smoke makes birds flying overhead crash to the ground? How are you going to get to work, buy groceries and go off-road mudding on the weekend without pissing the tree huggers off? Well I might be able to help you with that.
Dogs have been living with humans for thousands of years and had many different roles both our primal and modern society. Today, dogs have become family pets, protectors and companions. But who wants a docile French Bulldog that you can keep at your side in a Louis Vuitton pet carrier? What are you, one of those hoity toity hooha-flashing Hollywood types? Of course not! You’re a rough and tumble Insurance Claims Officer and your means of transportation should reflect your ruggedness. What better way to express your inner ass-kicker than arriving to work on a land-sled pulled by barking, foaming mouthed hounds? Not only will you look like the tamer of wild (domesticated) animals but you’ll also be part of the most recent fad of keeping high energy dog breeds called Urban Mushing. Visualize this impressive image: You’re speeding along at a commendable 20 mph, standing with your chest puffed out, your head cocked back and your tie flittering in the wind. The cars behind you now enumerating in hundreds, are filled with seething commuters cursing every single maternal figure of your linage. But I ask you, fair reader, what other form of transportation affords you the experience of picking up its poo? That’s right no other form…ehm actually most of these forms of transportation will.
If you like a bird’s eye view when you’re commuting but would never be able to afford a personal jet or helicopter, and your city doesn’t have a Cable Car network, then I might have the thing for you. A Camel stands at an imposing 6.1 ft. (at the shoulders where you’ll be sitting). It’s absolutely perfect for anyone with a Napoleonic or Inferiority Complex, I mean it’s a little weird that you’ve been carrying a step ladder around so you could look down on people, but you’ll finally be able to leave those days behind you. Also, if you live in an arid environment, worry not because Camels have been adapting for hundreds of years to survive in the driest most desert like environments. If you’re a bit of a speed demon then Camels have got you covered there too. They can travel for an hour at a time at 40 km/h and a white knuckled 60 km/h for short sprints. They also spit, bite and pack a pretty hefty hind-leg kick. So if you survive getting on one you’ll be riding high to work.
If there is one animal in the world that commands respect, evokes awe and astonishment, it’s definitely not the ostrich. Its long naked neck with a small bald head perched atop it, combined with its ungainly gait, long disproportionate limbs and flightless wings makes this bird seems like it was God’s animal joke. But as goofy as it looks, it’s also fast as hell. Just think of it as a very fast, very ugly motorcycle. Added benefit to keeping an ostrich as a means of transportation is that they lay humongous eggs. One ostrich egg is the equivalent of a whopping two dozen chicken eggs. Let’s see your Honda get you to work at 70 km/h and dispense breakfast from its posterior. No matter how many spoilers you put on it, it’s never going to happen.
Come on don’t be silly.
If you are all about sturdy stability as opposed to full out speed then you might want to try the elephant. These gentle giants are the tanks of the animal world, and they even have a convenient lifting device attached to front of them called a trunk, when you need help moving fire-wood, hanging Christmas lights around the house or disposing of very annoying people by throwing them great distances. On top of being a towering 3.5 meters at the shoulders, it can also reach a respectable speed of 40 km/h. It can lift up to 400 lbs. and African bush elephants live for a whopping 70 years. Added bonus is that an elephant will never forget were its parked. Also if that stupid Smart car is blocking your drive way entrance again you can just push it over, and when he comes to give you trouble just have your elephant run him through with its tusk. Speaking of which, elephants also happen to be the only vehicle in the world that can still have ivory on them!
Sure most forms of transportation won’t spontaneously try to eat you, but if you have a devil may care attitude regarding personal safety in lieu of looking bad-a** then the bear will be a perfect fit for you. Available in a nice selection of colors including black, white, brown and brown with a chevron on the chest you can be sure that your bear will be a head turner. The Polar Bear even has an Eco mode which it can use to slow down its metabolism to the point where it doesn’t need to eat for months. They are also invisible to infrared and night vision goggles because of their thick insulated fur. It’s almost like Batman’s Tumbler, but a bear.
If you know of any other animal based form of transportation, please let me know in the comment section below.