Hi, the name’s Soteris, and I’ll be your author and guide on this money-grabbing tour of Hollywood. I would like to inform you that in the pouch on the seat in front of you are childhood-ruining sick bags and Dramamine in the case of excessive use of shaky-cam filming. Our first stop on the tour will include egging Michael Bay’s house who has made it his life purpose to desecrate every decent franchise of my childhood. Let’s begin.
Originality? What’s that? Is it edible?
If you look over to your left, ladies and gentlemen, you will see a lowly Hollywood writer shackled to a chair with the studio execs beating him over the head with old screenplays. If you listen closely, you can hear their characteristic mantra, ‘it sold before, it’ll sell again’. At the moment, there seems to be an emphasis on the 80s-90s reboots.
See also: Please Don’t Ruin Ghostbusters
The first movie takes place in a post-apocalyptic world and stars Mel Gibson. The new one will not feature him.
A movie about a group of surfing bank-robbers. No, no, it’s not a cartoon, Tom. An FBI agent infiltrates the group, adopting their surfing ways. The original stars Patrick Swayze and Keanu Reeves. The reboot will not feature either.
A goth-rocker and his wife are murdered and he is brought back to life by a crow as a face-painted goth-rock avenger. See, this one I take issue, I’d even say offense with, because it is completely pop-culturally irrelevant. Back in the early 90s, the goth subculture was emerging (you could even say it was blossoming into an angsty black rose), so a dark, brooding protagonist brought back to life fully done up in face paint and runny mascara worked perfectly. Today, there really isn’t an equivalently dark subculture. Well, maybe Beliebers.
‘They’re coming…’ and coming and coming. Poltergeist was a seminally creepy horror movie that was filmed in the early 80s. It revolves around a family that moves into a new home that is haunted. Things escalate quickly.
As in National Lampoon’s Vacation which starred Chevy Chase as catastrophically family-endangering for comedic affect father Clark Griswold. Which will now be played by The Hangover dentist, Ed Helms [sigh of resignation].
If I continue this list, I will unfortunately have to drink, and seeing as I’m driving this thing, maybe I should refrain from doing that. Just know that there are many, many, many, many more reboots, or as flighty Hollywood execs would call them, reimaginings, in the works. The reasons why Hollywood chooses to reboot movies is simple: box office bucks. Although the average Rotten Tomatoes rating of reboots is 46% (compared to 76% for original films) the box office cup overfloweth with moviegoers’ money. These movies come with a familiar name, an already established fan base, and even a story to follow. I mean, you already bought the rights to the book, why go out and buy rights for a new one? But the result of the reboot is horrifying.
Your favorite childhood franchises bent over with their rosy bottom in the air
The studio will take a beloved franchise and use it until it is used up and no one wants anything else to do with it. For example, Transformers: although most Americans are sick and tired of their favorite childhood franchise being sodomized repeatedly by Hollywood fat cats, the global market is still asking for more. Those Europeans are freaks.
See also: SpiderMan’s back to Marvel: Kinda
God save Ghostbusters (which is rumored to be rebooted also). How do you feel about the topic? Do you like the reboot, you sick puppy, you? Let me know in the comment section below.