Since the beginning of time men and women have engaged in epic, grand-scale, cut-throat contests, to prove well…who’s crazier. As society evolved the games that we competed in also evolved. The gladiatorial blood sports and much more elegant and civilized jousting were gradually replaced over time with less and less brutal competitions.
We are currently in an era where our competitions don’t involve any type of impaling or stabbing apparatus or accouterment, but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t epically awesome. Here is a list of some of the most awesome competitions ever.
Look Olympic Diving is impressive, top athletes from around the world participate in a contest of skill and athleticism. Sure it’s impressive, but it also takes place in a very controlled environment without jagged, skin flailing rock outcrops or wild marine animals that might eat you. So if you want to be safe, go with boring Olympic Diving.
If you want to jump from almost three times the height (compared to the Olympic Diving platform), travelling downwards at about 60+ M.P.H. into an inky sinkhole in the open waters of the ocean then you should maybe check out Cliff Diving. The primary organization for competitive cliff-diving at the moment is the Red Bull Cliff Diving World Series where competitors travel from all over the world to dive from perilously high precipices.
Extreme Dinghy Racing
A dinghy for the non-nautical amongst us, is one of those tiny little row boats, that bigger boats usually drag behind them to navigate to shallower waters, you know what? Just look at the image above. Indicative of the people crazy enough to live amongst the killer flora and fauna of Australia is a sport where you travel through heavily overgrown areas in a tiny, flimsy boat with a huge engine at break-neck speeds while narrowly avoiding huge trees. Of course, as with anything with the moniker “extreme” this is also a Red Bull sponsored sport, so you can expect this demon’s piss of an energy drink to be heavily represented in this article.
Darpa’s Robotic’s Challenge
Who doesn’t look forward to the post-apocalyptic future when we will be slaves to our Robot-Overlords? DARPA (Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, which doesn’t sound ominous at all) has a competition that will help that future become a terrifying reality! Unimaginatively called DARPA Robotics Challenge, the competition tasks engineers with completing a gauntlet of tasks that must be accomplished by an autonomous robot that they built.
This is an evolution of DARPA’s previous autonomous vehicle competition. Luckily judging from the (oddly comical) drunken performances of most of the robots we won’t be seeing a homicidal Jonny 5 anytime soon….
Oh, wait the winner is horrifyingly capable and also travels on wheels. And is just me or do the scanning cameras at the top its head look terrifyingly insect-like?
Ansari X Prize
What would be more terrifying than our Robot Overlords being restricted to the terrestrial plane? Giving them the ability to travel and watch us from space, you silly goose! OK, I’m being a little fastidious with the whole robot overlord thing, but I grew up watching Blade Runner, Terminator and reading 1984…bad combination for tech-based paranoia.
The Ansari X Prize is a competition which involves scientists and engineers (again) creating manned spacecraft that will allow people to travel to space like they do on commercial airliners. I wonder if they’ll offer space peanuts and space coffee or space tea, will they give you hot little space towels?
So bringing it back to the down and dirty Earth, this has been an annual competition since 2009 and to win it you have got to fake it. As in fake sex acts with an imaginary partner. The competitors have to get up on stage and pantomime raunchy and salacious sex acts as a room of people giggle and laugh awkwardly…
Turkish Oil Wrestling
Have you ever wanted to shove your hands down a Turkish man’s pants that was covered from head to toe in olive oil? This strangely homoerotic sport pits wrestlers against each other that are as oiled up as an 80s Bodybuilder.
The point of the game is to pin your opponent or get a hold of his kisbet (the specially made pants, what did you think that meant? Aaaaah, yeah I guess I did kind of insinuate inappropriate touching) which are much easier to get ahold of from the inside. You know the area where his junk and ass crack are, also known as an area the rest of the world would completely avoid when approached by and oily Turk.
Keep watching the video above once they stop dancing like slippery peacocks they’ll promptly commence with trying to put their hands down each other’s pants. It kind of reminds me of high school.
Full Contact Jousting
Remember in the intro when I mentioned the evolution of competition and how it evolved into more elegant forms? Well, throw that out the window because I didn’t account for the less than elegant members of society. These guys missed the days when the only form of entertainment was armored people charging at each other with pointy sticks and avoiding deadly dysentery. Because who wants to sit and watch multi-million dollar productions from the safety of your couch when you can risk broken limbs, becoming paralyzed and being stomped on the head by a huge horse?
World Body Painting Competition
Any competition that involves fewer clothes than normal is better in my book. Women’s Tennis, great, Beach Volleyball, awesome, World Body Painting Competition, right on the money! Artistry is combined with the artistry of derobement in the epitome of spectator sports: body painting. You look at art, you look at nude bodies (you dirty bastard) and you breath heavy, thus the spectator sport.
If Boxing is too brutish for you and chess is just too boring, then this sport will satisfy both your lust to see someone physically damaged and also keep you cerebrally content. The competition is pretty straightforward; you play chess for a round then you box for a round. You can win via a checkmate or a knockout, leaving very little wiggle room for a draw, which is fine because draws suck. Added bonus is that it features self-beating chess nerds.
Is there another awesome competition you would like to add to the list? Let me know in the comment section below.