“Call Steve…call Steve…call Steve. OH MY GOD YOU STUPID THING CALL STEVE!” It is only a matter of time before people start visiting therapists to deal with tech-induced-rage syndrome. Tech-induced-rage syndrome is undiagnosed and non-existent at the moment yet costs millions of dollars a year in propriety damage from phones and other devices being thrown in angst. T.I.R. syndrome can also damage people’s public image significantly as it results in indignation, embarrassment and mental angst. Not only does technology make us slightly insane when it doesn’t work, it can also make us look pretty stupid.
1. Google Glass
I don’t even think this needs a description really. Google Glass looks like you took your sister’s hairband and put it over your eyes like a 5 year old playing Star Trek. It accepts voice commands, so you can walk down the street saying: “ok glass” as if you were talking to imaginary toddler. The other option is to turn your head up like you’re confused about something. So your choices are if it doesn’t wake up are to repeat ‘ok glass’ as if you are in a lovers quarrel with a window or tilt you head upwards again and again.
2. Yelling at an inanimate object and it being social acceptable
If you were walking down the street and saw someone screaming at a tree you most probably switch sidewalks and then call the police. It is totally socially acceptable though to completely, utterly and unapologetically lose your mind and use a colorful palette of profanity directed at your phone, laptop or tablet. Those things are actually less inanimate than a tree if you think about it.
3. My phone told me to
GPS navigation is a great technology when it actually works. We drive around for hours in circles expecting the polite voice to tell us were to turn, where to go straight and even when to merge. I’ve heard more times than not “I got lost because of my stupid phone.” Is the phone really that stupid though? Aren’t you the one that put blind fate into a device that helps you spend hours farming virtual carrots?
4. Talking to ourselves
Luckily Bluetooth headsets aren’t so widely used anymore. The reason I say luckily is because those virtually invisible headsets must have caused embarrassment to thousands if not millions of people. Even if we won’t readily admit it we have all responded to a stranger’s: “Hello?” while they were on a completely invisible ninja-like phone call. Worse yet when the phantom call is made from within a bathroom stall and our response was panicked and awkward.
5. Using an unending database of information to win a bet/ argument
Almost everyone in the first world carries a device on them that is a bottomless well of information. Those same people use that ‘well’ most of the time to win an argument. This is like having a knife capable of easily cutting through any material and using it primarily as a butter knife. Speaking of bottomless wells of information…
6. We don’t remember anything
Most of us would be hard pressed to even remember our home phone number. With everything stored away for us we have forgot well, how to remember. Birthdays? Nope we have calendars on everything that sync up to our social media for that. Telephone numbers? Why would I? It shows my girlfriends face not her number when I call her and her face is so much more pleasant to look at than stupid numbers. Except when she’s pissed at me. You could say that not using up cognitive real-estate is a good thing, but tell me that again when you Google: “God-d*mmit where are my keys?”
7. I’m reading a book
No genius you’re reading a tablet, or words on a tablet, or maybe a novel? You’re definitely not reading an actual book, though claiming, such is blasphemy towards the not-so-powerful librarian gods (for the young ones out there libraries are places where people stored reams and reams of paper with words on them. They sometimes even had these colorful shiny things call magazines. Isn’t history fascinating?)
8. We go out to “socialize” and pay for what we do at home anyway
We go out to bars and restaurants with friends, sit down and the minute the waiter comes we ask for the Wi-Fi password. After that everyone sits around with an illuminated deadpan expression surfing the web. It’s almost like a futuristic praying circle expect on occasion when someone smiles at their crotch. Speaking of which
9. People seemingly smile at their crotches in public
For some reason the most comfortable way to hold your phone and browse media or content is with your elbows at your side and your device squarely over your fun bits. If you’re at a bar, restaurant, morgue or anywhere where your bottom half is covered it literally looks like your smiling at your crotch. I’m really looking forward to time-machines for this exact reason. I want to bring a prudish unsuspecting person from the fifties plop him down in the middle of a restaurant and tell them: “This is how we say hello in the future.”
10. In the dark everyone looks like they’re going to tell a ghost story around the campfire.
If you’ve gone to camp or had a sleep-over you know exactly what I’m talking about. For the uninitiated when you were about to tell a ghost story you would take a flashlight and illuminate your face from the bottom up. Booooooo! You have a Farmville invitation! Noooo not again!
Has technology ever made you feel stupider than a dead smartphone? Then let us know in the comment sections below.