What Does it Take to Become a Politician?

George Bush politician

So you want to join the ranks of the movers, shakers and policymakers? You want a plush leather seat and a voice in the decision making of your nation? Well, maybe I can help with these few simple steps to take in order to become a politician. Mr. Future Hypothetical President we are waiting for you to take the floor. Just wait until I get my bit in.

1. Money

Yes, my public service orientated friend you need to grease many a squeaky wheel to take your slightly deserving, slightly bought place in the political firmament. The illustrious leaders of the ‘free’ world were selected only from the elite-iest of families with the oldest type of old money in the world. If you don’t have any money, then I’m sorry to say, you will have a hard time making a platform, especially when you can't even afford the lumber.

2. Sociableness

I could never be a politician myself. Why you ask? Because I would prefer to sit in my apartment watching the paint peel off the walls and my imminent demise approach minute by minute, than be out and amongst people. You’re right, maybe I should get this checked out. None the less, you must be sociable to be a Politian. You’ve got to get out there, wave your hands with confidence, kiss babies and equal amounts of butts to make a footprint in the political scene.

3. Being an unwavering member of the status quo

Politics don’t like difference, they like the same old thing as its comfortable and well tried. Who cares if it’s crap! Crap’s better than anything else that you might not know! That could potentially be better! Tired old crap is much better.

4. Being a leader

I know if this was anymore painfully obvious it would be like asking someone if they’re ok when their foot is facing the other way. Also, political leadership is very different for actual leadership. Actual leadership generally nurtures interpersonal relationships, rewards positive behavior and regulates tasks to assist in the accomplishment of goals. Political Leadership is more about having the peoples support even if it’s contradictory to what you’re actually doing. On that note:

5. Rhetoric

Rhetoric is the ability of persuasive or effective speaking. Actually scrap the effective part; just concentrate on the persuasive part because really all you have to do is convince people that you are completely different from the previous guy, yet exactly the same so you don’t startle them. And that my future political-scandal-embroiled friend is quite a complex task.

6. A hole where your soul was

As a politician or even a prospective one, the absence of a soul is interment to the betterment and progress of your political career. Empathy, sympathy and idealism will get you nowhere fast, and scruples will only get you framed for a crime you never committed. If you want to follow the ethical path, become a god-damn teacher, while making peanuts. If you really want to cash in and change the world while doing it, politics is the name of your game. And don’t worry about being exposed, there is a special unspoken bond amongst thieves and murderers…I mean politicians.

Do you know an idealistic politician? Then let’s push for him/her to become President of the World and start saving some people. Add the names in the voting ballot below marked: ‘comment section’.