Who Could Become the Genghis Khan Of The Modern World?


The mightiest of empires are usually commanded by the most ruthless of leaders. They rape, pillage and do everything necessary to expand their territory and control, even if that means drop-kicking babies, slapping old ladies and burning effigies of Taylor Swift (oh the horror! Taylor Swift is just the sweetest thing, why would you do that, you filthy uncivilized animal?!). Genghis Khan managed to expand his empire from the coasts of the Pacific Ocean all the way to central and southern Europe. So to be the next Khan our candidates need to have a solid expansion policy, oodles of power, a ruthless nature and an unhealthy contempt for Taylor Swift.

Vladimir Putin

I apologize to all my Russian readers, but when you Google: “The world’s most powerful man” President Putin tops almost every list and also commands a respectable amount of memes dedicated to him. And we all know that you are only as powerful as your online meme presence. Let’s see if this Russian leader has the requisites to become the next Genghis. Cunning? Check. He has a doctoral degree in economics and furthered his studies at the KGB school in Moscow. Military Background? Check. Genghis Khan was not only known for his strategic prowess, but also his abilities as a warrior and Putin being trained as an intelligence officer is no slouch or stranger to armed combat. Meteoric Rise in Political Ranks? Check. When Genghis started his empire, although steadily he managed to conquer and in turn unify all the Mongol Tribes (initially) making him a Khan or Universal Ruler. Putin started as an intelligence officer, then became an academic and then rose rapidly in political ranks, becoming appointed as Russia’s Prime Minister in 1999. Military Presence? Check and check. Russia’s army has immense man power, advanced technologies and one of the most highly trained spec ops forces in the world. Expansion policy? Em, that’s a bit of a touchy subject, I’ll let the next guy take care of this one. Genghis Khan potential 8/10 (according to my non-scientific, completely unsubstantiated method of evaluation).

Barrack Obama

How can the humorist, charming and suave 44th President of the United States be compared to a ruthless Emperor? Easy: Oil. Although the United States is considered (mostly by its citizens) as a bastion and defender of Democracy, it tends to spread its ideals far away and with the assistance of firepower. What? No, Mr. Federal Agent I didn’t say: “oil…with the assistance of firepower, in the same sentence, look there’s a period after oil.” So the ‘Mericans definitely have the expansion policy down. Through both economic and other means (you know what I mean, I really can say explicitly because there has been a black van parked outside my house for the past few days) the U.S. makes sure it has a reserve of the most valuable economic asset of the Post-Industrialized World: Twinkies. No, that’s not it…beef jerky? Nope, um fossil fuels, yeah! That’s it! The U.S. also invests a whopping 598.5 billion dollars on military spending. That includes: ceaseless research into new military applications, advanced cutting edge weapons and highly trained personnel. They have what is considered one of the most technologically advanced militaries in the world. The U.S. Navy even has a working freaking laser mounted on a boat! And if that doesn’t qualify you as a “potential world conqueror,” I don’t know what does. Genghis Khan potential: 9/10 - sorry Mr. Putin, you don’t have a movie with puppets dedicated to your military superiority, see video below, its written by the creators of South Park so if you have sensitive ears you might want to avoid it.

Xi Jinping

Why is this list dedicated to military superiority…oh, right, conquering, expansion and such. Jinping though, is so much more than a pretty (heavily armored) face. He currently holds all three executive offices necessary to be China’s autocratic preeminent leader and considered the country’s most powerful man since Chairman Mao. One of the leaders of the world’s largest economies, he could cripple, literally knee-cap the economy, just by restricting imports to China. It’s not like they can’t make everything they need, as China is also the largest exporter of goods in the world. Add on top of that the fact that China has double the amount of active and reserve military personnel than the United States and over three times the active personnel of Russia….um, you know what, excuse me, I’m going to run to the bookstore for a “Chinese for Idiots” book. Gimme a sec.

Genghis Khan potential 10/10 (once they stopped working for a minute, they’d be bound to realize they can do what they want with the world, pray to God that they keep busy hoarding the world’s largest reserve of foreign currency…seriously? Come on guys; stop taking our money, look at the condition of our economies. You damn Capitalist Communists).

Angela Merkel

Weird hair-cut? Check. Obsession with a very specific type of garb? Check. This pant-suit wearing Iron Lady is the longest serving head of one of the E.U.’s strongest economies with a national income of 3.678 trillion dollars (wait, I thought they used Euros…never mind, money’s money right?). She is also one of the first German leaders to break the post-Nazi taboo of direct military involvement by providing arms to Kurdish soldiers fighting ISIS. Add onto that a bit of a grudge with Russia regarding threats to restrict or cut-off completely the EU’s gas supplies and you have a recipe for Schadenfreude. Expansion Policy? Em, yeah that’s another one of those super touch subjects which I’m going to leave for the next guy(*cough* Poland). Let’s just say check, but leave it at that. Their military presence isn’t even close to what the three previous countries have, but that never stopped them in the past. I’m sorry I know that was horrible but it was an itch I needed to scratch. Genghis Kahn potential 3/10. The reason I gave the Chancellor such a low score is because I’m pretty sure that the minute Germans start dressing the same, standing in parallel lines and marching around, even for fun, the rest of the world is going to be exceptionally quick to say in the same voice a dog owner uses when reprimanding their pup: “Hey, what the f*ck are you a**holes doing huh? STOP! I said stop! I’m looking at you, stop that right now!” I’m going to assume while hitting Merkel on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

Are there any other world leaders that you think could conquer most of the known world? Let me know in the comment section below.