I'll start with the obvious.
Bums may have beards, but beards are no longer bums.
The days of "hey shave that beard you bum" are over. At the turn of the century (plus a few straggling years) we watched triumphantly as the world righted itself, bringing the universe into order by placing the beard back on its throne of prestige. And it's about time. History itself attests to the immortal glory of the beard. How many of the world's ancient Kings and Generals brought shame to their family by baring their face with a razor?
Not many. Rome nearly killed it for all of us, but the cream always rises to the top. It may be moderately disturbing to mention cream and beards in the same sentence, but the point remains — beards can't be kept down. They're just too awesome.
Let me count the ways.
1. Beards are weapons
Which do you think stands a better chance against a knife or baseball bat, the clean and remarkably vulnerable shaven face or the invincible by all reasonable standards bearded jaw? Johnny Hendricks knows what I'm talking about. His beard wins UFC championship titles. Seriously though, there's no way that bushy shield doesn't enhance the fist-immunity of his jaw. Not to mention the first half of point #5.
2. Beards are a right of passageway for the most important careers
There's many doctors, lawyers, and CEO's that prefer the baby-buttcheeks look, but let's talk about what really matters. How many Vikings, lumberjacks, dictators or kings stroll around without a gratuitous endowment of facial hair swinging in the breeze? It's just common sense.
That is all.
4. Shaving goes away forever
No more rushed and bloody late for work shaves, littered with tiny chunks of toilet paper. Gone are the days of razor burn, ingrown chin-hairs, and dull disposables.
5. Beards are intimidating and yet disarmingly sexy
This is science. Women find beards more attractive, and beards repel would-be competitors. This study by the University of New South Wales offers overwhelming proof of sex appeal. Refer back to #1 for the fear factor, or read what Dr. Paul Vasey says:
"Beards make you more intimidating to rivals, says study coauthor Paul Vasey, Ph.D., a psychology professor at the University of Lethbridge." (Source)
6. Growing a beard immediately increases organic respect (in direct proportions with length and density)
True story — I stumbled across a picture of Fidel Castro without his beard and peed myself laughing. Interestingly, he didn't reach the peak of his power until he had fully bushed out the beard. Google "Fidel Castro no beard" and you'll know why. The ancient Egyptians respected the beard so much only the Pharaoh was allowed to grow one. Even Cleopatra had one. The priests were allowed to sport fake metal beards, but only for special occasions. We really should take notes from these guys — respect the beard and watch your karma grow.
7. Beards are subconsciously associated with Greek gods
Zeus is typically the first that comes to mind, and the Nordic gods like Thor come in a close second. Both are good. Alternatively you can lift weights until you get ripped like Hemsworth, but really? Work smarter not harder — growing a beard is easier.
8. Success always follows a beautiful beard
Dictators like Che and Castro demonstrate the "Law of Power Attraction", but the yin to that yang is the primal beauty hidden in a nobly lush bush of bristles. You know Kip from Napoleon Dynamite? Search "Kip with beard" for instant proof, or read this frisky blogger's admiration of the new and improved Kip.
9. Beards inspire feats of honor
Watch 300 for some good examples. That movie is 100% historically accurate. Okay, it's not, but this is:
Just before Thomas More was beheaded for honorably sticking to his guns against the notorious King Henry VIII, he moved his beard out of the path of the blade, stating that his "beard was completely innocent of any crime". That gave you goosebumps didn't it?
10. Bearded men are trusted more
Think about it. Honest Abe, Santa, Jesus Christ — honesty comes naturally to those endowed with the practically holy essence of the beard.
So there you have it — that's why beards are awesome.
Photo from Wikipedia Commons: Image Source
Beards are sexy study from io9.com: Source
Beards and intimidation quote from msn.com: Source
Kip and his beard information from thefrisky.com: Source