Why Are You Single?


Being single does have its benefits. For instance, being able to break walnuts with your (mysteriously) strong right hand, spending endless hours on the couch watching Friends while covered in Dorito crumbs and wearing pizza grease stained sweatpants all day (that’s what those stains are right? On second thought never mind, I really don’t want to know). The thing is that at some point you are going to see a couple lovingly embracing, kissing or laughing together and you are going to get a tinge. You know the feeling, that little pinch right under you sternum that feels like someone punched you in the stomach while you were hungry. That my friend is called loneliness, and it happens to people like you quite often. There are many reasons you are alone, but first please change out of those sweatpants, there’s a stain right next to your crotch that looks like exactly like Eisenhower and its staring directly at me.

See Also: The Science of Love

Personal Hygiene

Yes, the clothes-pin I’m wearing on my nose while talking to you is not a fashion statement or to make my voice sound like an old timey operator for comedic effect. It’s because you have been sitting on the couch for the entire weekend, and the aroma of shower-lessness and fast-food stained sweats emanating from you is making my eyes water. You see, society and most potential mates have this thing called “standards.” One of which is they like people to smell nice, because there’s this strange correlation between smelling nice and being clean. Shower, brush your teeth, burn the couch you were sitting on and the clothes you were wearing and you should be on your way to finding a partner. Be careful though; don’t go too crazy on the body spray or cologne/ perfume. You don’t want to smell like a shiny shirt wearing club-rat on the prowl for a one-night stand.    

Playing Hard to Get

This is supposed to be a good tactic however it baffles me because why would you want to meet someone to make a meaningful connection, yet still play hard to get? Could it be a defense mechanism or holding out until Mr. Right or Mrs. Right comes along? The “Rights” most likely won’t show up anytime soon. Obviously they’re married to each other, I mean they have the same name too.

Having a Type

So you like your women with long green hair, a half-shaved hairdo, facial tattoos and work as corporate lawyers. First off unless she’s doing her lawyering at Red-Bull or Extreme-Sports-R-Us I doubt you’ll find those attributes. Secondly having any “type” can set you up for failure. It restricts your pool of potential suitors, and if you concentrate on personality types, you could end up with someone like one of your exes. You wouldn’t go to the same restaurant and eat the exact same thing every day would you, especially if that food emotionally scarred you for life, broke your heart and started dating your best friend? Oh, you would? You might want to get some help.


Just by looking at you I’m going to assume that you’ve heard the phrase: “He/She reeks of desperation”. Scientists speculate that when you are desperate the body actually releases a pheromone similar to the one released when someone’s afraid even if it doesn’t usually (consciously) register as a smell. Instead it creates repulsion on a biological level that when combined with behaviors that further indicate a lack of confidence such as: fidgeting, lacking eye-contact, a small defensive posture (shoulders forward, hands clenched) and self-comforting (i.e. when someone rubs the top of their legs when sitting) can contribute to a person finding you unattractive.

See Also: Every Single Person Who is Reading this Should Watch this Video!

I have tried my best, and even though you want me to, I will not go find you women to date, that part you are going to have to do yourself. If you want to let me know about the results though I would love to hear from you in the comment section below. Please do not leave, numbers, emails or names this is not a dating site…