Being a badass sword-wielding warrior in black animal furs and leather might seem like a great career path for the incurably nerdy amongst us. But you know nothing Jon Snow. This is why it would suck to work for the Night’s Watch. Oh by the way, there might be some spoilers down there, so tread carefully.
It Would Be Painfully Boring
As anyone in any type of military will tell you, action is just a brief terror inducing interlude from endless, long stints of inaction. There is even a widely used, amongst military personnel, saying because of it: “Hurry up and wait.” What soldiers or general military personnel do during these stints of inactivity is maintenance of equipment and facilities, training and physical exercise. Your entertainment options at the foot of a 700 foot tall, 300 mile long ice wall are limited to say the least. I mean there are only so many times you can polish your sword ‘til it gets old.
If You Did See Action it Would be Soul Destroyingly Terrifying
So you are the last line of defence between the sexy people of the South and the selectively sexy people of the North. Amongst those attractive Northern oath-breaking-assisters (wink, wink) you will also see a veritable mixed bowl of nuts that include Giants, Cannibal Wildlings and White Walkers. Sorry fans, got to explain it to the non-watchers/readers. Giants are, well, multi-story high monsters that brush off killer projectiles like toothpicks (see arrows), Wildlings are basically anarchists that do not follow any political system or authority and White Walkers are mythical creatures which kill anything in their path and reanimate the recently dead to help them. So if you thought that the North was going to be like a Swiss Alps ski trip you might want to revise your career choice. Oh, by the way, White Walkers can even reanimate animals (great now we have the prerequisite for Pet Cemetery and a zombie hoard).
No Marriage, No Children, No Land, No Problem?
Not only will you be socially poor as you can’t have a family, you’re also not allowed ownership of land as a member of the Night’s Watch. On the other hand if you’re a social misfit, degenerate, deviant or criminal, entering the Night’s Watch will absolve you of all criminal accusations and further prosecution. Hmm, that reminds me of some other organization but I just can’t put my finger on it.
It’s not all glamorous sword-play
Only one of the three groups of the Night’s Watch is actually a warrior’s order. The Watch is separated into Rangers (only for the most gruff and brooding sword-weilders), Builders (that maintain the Wall) and Stewards. As the name indicates, Stewards tend to the day to day needs of their Oath-Brothers (the other Night’s Watchmen… Are you going to watch some episodes or do I have to explain everything?). That means they are the homemakers of the Night’s Watch basically. I wonder if they nag the other members if they leave their swords strewn around the mess hall or leave their socks scattered on the floor. Below is a picture of the Night’s Watch waiting for a Steward to bring them tea. Not really but it makes the image seem funny right? I’m funny.
After my mud-slinging campaign against the Night’s Watch, do you still think you would like to join? Let me know in the comment section below!