If you ask how work is related to drinking beer, then I’m going to assume you haven’t worked a day in your life. Happy hour even relates to the happiness that can be experienced by consuming alcohol after work. What if you worked for beer though? OK, let me clarify, I mean worked for a beer company. Well, it would perpetually be happy hour, and these are some of the craziest ways people engaged in perpetual happy hour tried to market their beverages.
Rocky Mountain Oysters
For any of you unfamiliar with the regional lingo of Colorado, Rocky Mountain Oysters are balls. Usually bull, buffalo or sheep balls, but they are uniformly balls. OK, so people like their pluck (which is anything that comes out of the middle of the animal…ok and maybe towards the back too, let’s just say it’s things from the animal that people don’t have to eat anymore), but that doesn’t mean you have put in a stout.
A craft brewery named Wynkoop didn’t have any reservations about putting bull balls in their beer though (roasted of course for extra smokiness!) and created the Rocky Mountain Oyster Stout. Although it seems like the stout isn’t available from the brewery anymore, a review described the stout as having: a luscious mouthfeel and deep flavors of chocolate, espresso and nuts. I’m not sure if the reviewer was trying to be funny with that. I mean a beer that features bull balls tasting like nuts is a little too convenient.
Space Beer (laser sounds!)
So if you grew up in the late 50s or early 80s you probably miss all the ridiculously space themed items. Everything was “Interplanetary”, “Galactic” and “Out of this World”. Well, if you want a stiff kick in the nostalgia (sorry still recovering from balls beer) look no further than Doghead Brewers. They offer a brew called the Celest Jewel Ale. So we all hopefully know what an Ale is right? What about that Celest Jewel business. Well, celeste originates from the Latin caelestis which means heavenly. Jewel is a precious mineral or stone. I bet you weren’t expecting a linguistics lesson in an article about beer, were you.
Well, the beer lives up to its namesake, because, within the refreshing bubbly brew, you will find finely ground lunar meteorites. The only place you can drink this space brew is at Doghead’s own Rehoboth Beach brewpub, and it comes in its own spacesuit. I’m not even joking, the company that makes space-suits for NASA was commissioned to make “coozies” for the beer, that includes Kevlar, Mylar (Lars from Metallica…joking, please don’t sue me Lars), Nomex, Orthofabric, Gore-Tex and Nomex to name a few. This beer coozie can withstand tempetures from +250 degree F to -250 degree F, is fire proof and tear proof. Since the Bar only had ten of these sleeves made you have to give them a valid ID and drink your UFO brew at the bar. But it will totally be worth it to pee it out five minutes later.
So you might be familiar with the sought after Kopi Luwak coffee, or coffee that is eaten by a jungle rodent known as the civet cat and crapped out. In fact, because said rodent eats the beans, it not only craps out the undigested coffee beans, it also imbues them with a smell from its anal glands, which makes the coffee have a musky smoothness…yeah, no thanks. If you need a lot of poop coffee, you’re gonna have to go bigger, how big? Elephant big.
A company appropriately named Sankt Gallen created a beer using coffee that was made from pre-digested coffee beans. Because that’s exactly what you want in a fancy coffee based beer, the raw materials must have passed through another mammal to enhance the taste. I guess that’s a requiset from more people than you might think, as the $100/bottle beer was sold out within a few minutes. Ooooh, now I get the reviews! I’d say it tasted awesome as well if I dropped $100 on a single bottle.
OK, maybe this sounds weirder than it might actually be, but a company called New Belgium makes an ale that is brewed with coconut and curry spices. The Coconut Curry Hefeweizen features an insane bouquet of spices including coconut, of course, but also: ginger, coriander, cayenne pepper, kefir lime and cinnamon. It comes with a bit of heat (as can be expected from almost anything that has the word “curry” in it), but according to the website the alcohol soothes the drinker after the heat. Because as everyone knows nothing numbs the senses like alcohol!!!!
What goes better with beer than oysters (and no I’m not talking about the aforementioned Rocky Mountain type)? Well, that’s what the Flying Dog Ale Company thought too. But instead of shucking the oysters, battering them and frying them (like normal human beings would do), they just shucked them directly into the fermentation tank of their wink-wink named Pearl Necklace Stout. Because if there’s something you want your beer to smell or taste like it’s shellfish.
I’m joking, though, the beer doesn’t taste off, or odd, and part of the sales proceeds go to an environmental initiative that looks to help the plummeting oyster population in the Chesapeake Bay.
So are you unhappy with the coconut curries inability to make you’re a** burn the next morning, and you just want to feel your insides boil like you’ve just swallowed a piece of red-hot metal? Well, I am sure this beer will more than happily fit that bill. This beer is made by a company called Twisted Pine Brewery and features the infamous Bhut Jolokia or Ghost Pepper. Inspired by its main ingredient, the wheat brew is named Ghost Face Killer and ups the fire ante with the addition of Anaheim, Fresno, Jalapeno, Serrano and Habanero peppers.
I’m pretty sure that your first bathroom break at the bar will involve fire, smoke and lava-like piss shooting out of your urethra…don’t believe me? Check out this video if you don’t believe me…If you want to see the reviewer in serious pain, just jump to the 4 min. mark.
Get Drunk and Freak out!
So what is lacking from most beers? Hoppiness? Sweetness? How about a taxidermied squirrel wrapped around the outside of a bottle that holds the hardest beer made by human hands the End of History brew. When I say hardest I mean it borders on being hard liquor with its 55% per volume alcohol content. And I reiterate it’s wrapped in a dead squirrel almost as if it’s a warning: “if you drink this $750 bottle you will look like this…” Oh right, it also costs more than most luxury bottles of champagne. Don’t worry though they offer two other high alcohol content beers at a little bit more reasonable price and without the creepy squirrel wrapped around it.
See Also: Beer for Breakfast
Do you know of any other gimmicky (or surprisingly good) beers flavors used to market the famous poor man’s elixir? Let me know in the comment section below.