Seriously, being a boss is the worst: all that responsibility, all those complaints, paying people, and what not… it’s just such a hassle. On top of all those inconveniences, you also get in trouble for other people’s mistakes, but that’s not even the tip of the iceberg. Because being a boss is a real struggle and, unfortunately, it’s really lonely at the top. Here are some of those struggles that only you and your upper managerial tier brethren will understand.
1. It’s Lonely at the Top
Being an authority figure means you need to have a certain level of professionalism. You can’t joke around, and forget about playful inner-office camaraderie: that’s for the riff raff of the cubicle farm. You need to keep your composure at all times, inspire with your steely expression, and basically act like a numbers-obsessed robot.
But you’re human; you want to joke around, play slap wars with your co-workers, and have a steamy workplace affair (that’s what the peons do, right? Your management style is pretty hands off, so it’s hard to know). Nobody wants to be friends with you because you’re a “micromanaging prick” and a “slave-driving taskmaster”, but it’s just part of your job – they just don’t understand the nuances of being a competent supervisor.
Sure, you can sometimes be a bit abrasive while most of the people below you are slack-jawed yokels and, sure, you sometimes crack the whip a little bit more zealously than you should, but that’s what it takes to keep people on track. They just don’t understand.
2. Complaint Department
The workplace is basically a kindergarten class: people create close-knit groups, they bicker, and occasionally even bite each other. Although the biting is usually of the more erotic type… the things people are into nowadays, am I right?
Well, anyway, in the midst of sexy nibbling, food stealing and temperature discrepancies, you are basically the principal. Not only do you have to moderate workflow, you also have to mediate this adult populated playpen-cum-tickle-room… Like the last time someone brought cheesecake and it disappeared, prompting a confectionary manhunt (is it a “man” hunt if it’s a cheesecake? Yeah, it’s probably because “cheesecake hunt” isn’t as catchy). You had to head the investigation and take time out of your day to send an office-wide memo regarding the unmitigated thieving of sweets. Sure, it was you who ate it but have you seen how fat those people are? You ultimately did them a favor – which they will never understand or appreciate.
3. Never Appreciated
Employees always gripe and moan about not being appreciated for working overtime, taking on more responsibility, doing your laundry, and washing your car [scoff]. You have to pay the cost of being the boss – so what if that cost is sharing DNA with the company founder and your dad not letting you use company funds to “invest” in that 7-bedroom beachside property in Cabo? How does he expect you to keep your statuesque model wife happy? Does he think that she’s with you because of your personality?
Well, anyway, next time an employee complains about not being appreciated, just ask them if they have ever been shot down for a 7-bedroom beachside property by their father. Chances are they haven’t. And that is the definition of being underappreciated.
Most people look at your lavishly decked out office with its private bathroom and 65-inch Ultra HD 4K television and think you have it easy. The Italian leather office chair you have is incredibly soft and supple, which feels like sitting on a pile of kittens (which is so uncomfortable, compared to your home cinema recliners you would be sitting in back at your place) but that doesn’t mean that spending 4.5 hours a day in it isn’t tiresome.
It’s a lot of work to maintain the company’s brand identity by browsing YouTube all day and commenting on videos on aforementioned 65-inch Ultra HD 4K television. Let alone the eyestrain you get from it, because every single pixel is over-rendered. On top of everything else, you have to deal with people talking about “high overhead”, “overinflated administrative salaries” and “low profit margins”. You don’t care about that – especially when your $10,000 Japanese automatic toilet just arrived and you haven’t even had the time to try it. Yes, you are so busy you don’t even have the time to have your ass pressure-washed and blow-dried while it Bluetooth streams Nicki Minaj in peace… that is the tragic reality of being a boss.
5. Like a Baws
You have to endure endless streams of the “Like a Baws” jabs from you douche-y friends on a daily basis. Well, you’re douche-y too, so I guess you never realized that your friends are, too. While it’s amplified to others, it seems to cancel it out internally. That’s all.
6. Benefits of Boss-dom-ship
You run your (dad’s) company like a mini kingdom which, as history has shown us, is the best way to control your subjects (if you ignore that Napoleonic mess of course, with the beheadings and what not. On the other hand, Queen Elizabeth has been sitting on the throne for like 600 years). Sure, they might not appreciate their health benefits being levied to pay for the company’s third private jet, but every king needs a carriage, right? How else will you travel the world, sourcing ideas and the latest paper-related technology?
Did that person walking by just whisper “Liberté, Equalité, Fraternité” or was it just me? Hey! Who left this copy of Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar on my desk? Hi, Brutus! Sure, come in! We used to give each other nicknames and backrubs at my old college frat – you know what? Ignore that backrub part…
7. You Never See It Coming
Although it feels nice and secure atop Managerial Mount Olympus, the mighty do fall, and the higher you are, the louder the thud your unconscious body will make when it hits rock bottom. Although you can spend most of your (short-lived) career blissfully unaware, there will come a time when you will be deposed, hopefully without violence (even though you know your brother Tommy always gives you wedgies). You need to be weary of the Ides of March because, sooner or later, your number will be up and there will be many lining up to piss on your position’s grave. Even you, Brutus?
Can you think of any other struggles bosses have to deal with at work? Let us know in the comments section below!