Career Testing
Career Testing
Career Testing
WORK-LIFE BALANCE / MAY. 22, 2015
version 9, draft 9

8 Surefire Ways to Make Your Future Boyfriend/Girlfriend Love You

What is a relationship if it’s not based on lies and manipulation? If you don’t trick your partner into loving you, then how are you possibly going to keep a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Do you really want to live in a world where romantic relationships are defined by mutual understanding, affection and love? Of course not! You are the soulless husk of a human being that feeds off the misery of the world around you, but even people like you get lonely from time to time.

The human mind is a wondrous, inventive and creative thing. It also horribly manipulates you without you even knowing about it. These are a few items that you can actually take advantage of that.

See Also: 5 New Dating Apps for the Busy Professional

1. Mirroring

This could also be considered responding to social cues. Basically, you should subtly copy the person’s body language that you are interacting with. Don’t do a cartoonish mimicking of every single thing they are doing as insanity is off-putting for most. Remember: subtly. If they smile at you, smile back; if they lean back in a relaxed position, fight your impulse to jump on top of them, and instead assume a similar body position.

2. Proximity

If that word is too hoity-toity for you, let me simplify: proximity is being close to someone. Not necessarily European close, as seen in the image above, but close. It has been found that people that spend extended periods of time around each other in the majority of cases develop some sort of intimate feelings. Also known as the mere-exposure effect which disappointingly has nothing to do with meerkats but with the fact that familiarity plays an immense role in attraction. The problem with this technique is you need to be able to distinguish between proximity and creepiness. For example, taking a certain way home because you might bump into the person you’re interested is fine. Hiding in the bushes outside her house and waiting for her to return crosses the line.

3. If You Walk in Pace

You know, like a sexy two-person marching band, without the instruments, the hats and the cool uniforms. You know what? It’s nothing like a marching band, but it seemed like an appropriate allegory at the time. Yeah, so if someone is attracted to you, they’ll actually synch up their pace to yours. Science dudes and dudettes at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign established that when men found women they were attracted to on a running track, they would make their strides smaller to keep in synch with the women they liked. But the researchers are still baffled as to why the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign has such a long ass name. Couldn’t it have been the University of Illinois at U.C.? Or even better: the University of I at U.C. or just U.o.I.a.U.C.? A.E.I.O.U.?

4. Look Like Their Parents

Yes, if you have a few hundred dollars to invest in plastic surgery, this might be the way to get your partner to love you forever and ever. Although creepy, science has proven that people are attracted to individuals that remind us of our parents. The creepiness is the result of this effect called imprinting and the mere-exposure effect which frustratingly still has nothing to do with meerkats. Imprinting is when you are initially exposed to a parent and is the only adult you trust, and the second effect is the one I spoke about directly above; no, go up a bit more, a little more…it’s in italics, do you see it? Yup, that’s it.

5. Don’t Worry, Be Happy

It’s stuck in my head and now it’s stuck in yours. A sunny disposition actually plays a huge role in someone liking you. Really?! As if there has never been anything more obvious… people dedicated money and resources to research this? Pft! Anyway, if you’re a happy-go-lucky type of fellow or gal, then that will reflect positively on how people view you. Obviously.

6. Certified Friendly

No matter how much you hate them, and loath their “ethos”, “morality” and “decency”, making nice with them might be your way into the bosom of the one you love (you like your men like your condoms: big and busty. Your biological clock is clicking away furiously, after all… Too far?) I know you’re nauseated by their refusal to be horrible, detestable human beings, but buck up and deal with it. You’ll be able to lie and weasel your way through the group once you get accepted. The prospective to lie and weasel in a new social circle excited you a little bit, didn’t it?

7. Gain-Loss Theory, colloquially known as ’women like assholes’

OK, so this is a bit risky. When you eventually meet the person you like, try to show them that you dislike them, just a little, and then come in for the kill, but kill them with kindness. That should get any female swooning over you in no time. This effect is grounded in the gain-loss theory which is based on the contrast of feelings. Let me elaborate: basically, if you show a person you like them and then that you don’t, when you show attraction again it will be more pronounced or, transversely, if you first treat someone with a blasé attitude to begin with, then a show of attraction will be more pronounced. Ultimately, we come to the conclusion yet again that our brains are assholes that are conspiring against us.

8. Hot or Cold

The brain is dumb, an impulsive collection of biological matter that controls everything. And it’s a drunken conductor with brain damage that’s driving your train to Heartbreaksville. Comforting, ain’t it? Well, the brain is so stupid that it can be manipulated simply by holding something warm or cold (that’s what she said! Yes, I went there, deal with it). Psychologists have observed an effect called “Priming” which shows that the brain will take external stimuli and use them when making observations. For example, when researchers spoke to their test subjects and mentioned ‘Florida’, ‘Old’, ‘Weak’ and ‘Grey’, people subsequently walked slower. No, you’re not trying to slow down your potential mate so you can catch them (creep), you’re trying to prime them to perceive you in a certain light. Here’s how: the researchers gave subjects a cold drink or a hot drink to hold, and then asked the participants to rate a person’s personality if they perceived it as hot or cold. Guess what happened? Yep, you guessed it: the people that held a warm drink saw the person that they were supposed to judge as a warm personality, and the opposite effect was observed when they held a cold drink. What if they held a tepid drink? In any case, maybe you should consider going to a cozy coffee shop and ordering a warm cup of Columbian gold (no, that’s not cocaine, smartass; it’s actually a strain of marijuana…but I was talking about coffee), instead of a bar (most drinks are served cold, remember. I know you don’t get out much), and your potential partner might cozy up to you.

See Also: Working with your Life Partner: Will it Ruin your Relationship?

Now that you have a step-by-step guide to manipulate yourself into a relationship, go forth and scar, and psychologically maim as many people as you please. Just don’t mention that I helped you. I have a public image to uphold after all, and that image involves not being perceived as a sociopath.

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